Author’s Note: Before I begin, I just want you guys to know who I’m writing to, but I will not put the customary Beth Taurasi or anything below the Sincerely line of the following prose. Why, you ask. Well, let’s get this out here. I hope you Harry Potter fans are ready for this dark satire of the sad and tragic life of Dudley Dursley, the spoiled rotten idiot son of Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Petunia and Vernon should be familiar to you HP fans out there. Dudley at the time of this letter is a junior at Smeltings Private School, and I thought we’d have a little fun throwing Dudley under the proverbial bus. After using his little cousin Harry, the noble and most awesome Wizard of the House of Potter, and beating up thousands perhaps, maybe all of the children of Little Winging, I want to make something clear. He should have been expelled and transferred to St. Brutus’s himself. So, below this line, here comes the letter that if you are Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, you don’t want to see in your mailbox. …
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,
As Headmaster of Smeltings Private School, it is my job to educate hungry young minds. It is also our job to keep the young men and women who attend this private school safe. As your headmaster, I have noticed thousands of instances where your son, Dudley Dursley, has been bullying younger children. Just because he is the Junior Inter-School Boxing Champion, that doesn’t give him license to practically knock unconscious any student that he doesn’t like. His marks are atrocious, I’ll say that right now. And even with a year’s worth of hard dieting, thank you both for trying to follow the diet sheet the nurse sent him home with the year before, or more, he is still not up to snuff weight wise. HE certainly has grown stronger, but he’s been under investigation for bullying so many times, so many in fact that I have to break the news to you all. We’re going to expel him permanently from Smeltings Private School.
The investigations we’ve been performing, as the board of trustees tells me, involve Dudley doing a number of bad and otherwise criminal things. These things include but are not limited to bullying, rape, battery of all sorts, robbery and kidnapping. The crown Prosecution will have Dudley for breakfast. To prevent further instances of bullying, we have also expelled all of the gang members that have been following him around like disciples of Jesus. These followers include Piers Pulkiss. We’re sorry we have to do this, but again, the Crown Prosecution will have these boys for breakfast. The last straw was an incident where Dudley and his gang beat up a twelve-year-old girl on a park bench out in the garden near the school’s baseball field. the girl will be testifying against Dudley Dursley, who at this pointn the Crown has chosen to charge him with bullying at school, assault, sexual battery, simple battery, and a whole host of other charges. No, he can’t get out of this one.
The twelve-year-old Jane Doh will not give her name, so please refrain from contacting her. I along with the Board of trustees at Smeltings and the Crown Prosecution will recommend that Dudley not ever contact any of his friends, Piers, Malcom, Gordon, and others who have been following him around. None of these boys will be allowed to associate with one another. As this is very hard on all of us involved, we want to tell you that you must teach Dudley to hold himself accountable for all bullying and battery incidents, including that of Jane Doh, age 12, and other incidents we’ve recorded in our school files. Dudley Dursley will be removed from the boxing squad, so please return his uniform.
We regrettably cannot refund you and your family for sending your son here only to be expelled. Please drop off all school uniform clothing at the back of the school, and go immediately to my office. There will be paperwork to sign, seal, and deliver. Regrettably, we cannot reverse this decision because the Crown Prosecution has spoken. Britain’s schools should never tolerate this type of behavior, and we do not have any words to say to mitigate what Dudley has done.
Your Smeltings board of Trustees,
Your Smeltings Headmaster,
and the Smeltings staff