You Don’t Want to See This In Your Mailbox …

Dear readers,

Author’s Note: Before I begin, I just want you guys to know who I’m writing to, but I will not put the customary Beth Taurasi or anything below the Sincerely line of the following prose. Why, you ask. Well, let’s get this out here. I hope you Harry Potter fans are ready for this dark satire of the sad and tragic life of Dudley Dursley, the spoiled rotten idiot son of Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Petunia and Vernon should be familiar to you HP fans out there. Dudley at the time of this letter is a junior at Smeltings Private School, and I thought we’d have a little fun throwing Dudley under the proverbial bus. After using his little cousin Harry, the noble and most awesome Wizard of the House of Potter, and beating up thousands perhaps, maybe all of the children of Little Winging, I want to make something clear. He should have been expelled and transferred to St. Brutus’s himself. So, below this line, here comes the letter that if you are Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, you don’t want to see in your mailbox. …

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,

As Headmaster of Smeltings Private School, it is my job to educate hungry young minds. It is also our job to keep the young men and women who attend this private school safe. As your headmaster, I have noticed thousands of instances where your son, Dudley Dursley, has been bullying younger children. Just because he is the Junior Inter-School Boxing Champion, that doesn’t give him license to practically knock unconscious any student that he doesn’t like. His marks are atrocious, I’ll say that right now. And even with a year’s worth of hard dieting, thank you both for trying to follow the diet sheet the nurse sent him home with the year before, or more, he is still not up to snuff weight wise. HE certainly has grown stronger, but he’s been under investigation for bullying so many times, so many in fact that I have to break the news to you all. We’re going to expel him permanently from Smeltings Private School.

The investigations we’ve been performing, as the board of trustees tells me, involve Dudley doing a number of bad and otherwise criminal things. These things include but are not limited to bullying, rape, battery of all sorts, robbery and kidnapping. The crown Prosecution will have Dudley for breakfast. To prevent further instances of bullying, we have also expelled all of the gang members that have been following him around like disciples of Jesus. These followers include Piers Pulkiss. We’re sorry we have to do this, but again, the Crown Prosecution will have these boys for breakfast. The last straw was an incident where Dudley and his gang beat up a twelve-year-old girl on a park bench out in the garden near the school’s baseball field. the girl will be testifying against Dudley Dursley, who at this pointn the Crown has chosen to charge him with bullying at school, assault, sexual battery, simple battery, and a whole host of other charges. No, he can’t get out of this one.

The twelve-year-old Jane Doh will not give her name, so please refrain from contacting her. I along with the Board of trustees at Smeltings and the Crown Prosecution will recommend that Dudley not ever contact any of his friends, Piers, Malcom, Gordon, and others who have been following him around. None of these boys will be allowed to associate with one another. As this is very hard on all of us involved, we want to tell you that you must teach Dudley to hold himself accountable for all bullying and battery incidents, including that of Jane Doh, age 12, and other incidents we’ve recorded in our school files. Dudley Dursley will be removed from the boxing squad, so please return his uniform.

We regrettably cannot refund you and your family for sending your son here only to be expelled. Please drop off all school uniform clothing at the back of the school, and go immediately to my office. There will be paperwork to sign, seal, and deliver. Regrettably, we cannot reverse this decision because the Crown Prosecution has spoken. Britain’s schools should never tolerate this type of behavior, and we do not have any words to say to mitigate what Dudley has done.

Sincerely,

Your Smeltings board of Trustees,

Your Smeltings Headmaster,

and the Smeltings staff

John’s Story: A Brave New World Comparison

Dear readers,

“Good morrow” is the first quote we hear from John, the young man in Brave New World who discovers English people for the first time in his life. “A most unhappy gentleman,” he says, and goes on to tell his story. In the Brave New World Netflix UK show, is a bundle of curiosity. In the book, however, John is like, I hate twins, meaning he doesn’t like the uniform clones everywhere. But something really weird happened to John in the show. Let’s take a look at the highlights.

I can’t just talk about John without covering the gist of the whole show. I forgot to add that Helmholtz, Bernard’s friend, is a woman in the show as well. Like what the hell is with the producers changing up the source material in the name of a certain look? Like I understand the need for progress, but quit trying to change the source material.

With John, I kind of wanted the whole “Good morrow” thing to get crazier. John is depicted as an American, not a British born boy, but at least is decent enough to do some good. In the show, he warms up to one of the Epsilon Jack workers, CJack60, as he is called. The guy hands John a thing of meat, and he eats it. John is hanging out with Epsilons in the dining hall, something unheard of in the book. John originally said he hated “twins”, and wretched all over the grass. In other words, John got terribly sick because everybody looked alike. In the book, see the prior post on Linda, John hit one of the Delta boys by his dying mother’s bed. Well, John never hung out with Epsilons in the book, so why? Why was he hanging around Epsilons, and it seems CJack60 is going to be more prominent, but we gotta watch more. John watches a training video to understand the New London lifestyle, but in the book, he flies around and explores the city. The big problem with John in the book is the problematic portrayal of him speaking Zuni and other Native tongues, using the words in the stereotypical fashion. But then he laces his insults with Shakespeare. Weird. John tals to Lenina and calls her an “impudent strumpet” in a classic Elizabethan insult. He went off on her for being who she was, and taking off her clothes, she was about to just have him like civilized people do in the Brave New World, when he went off on her in the following manner: “Strumpet, fitchew.” No such insults were in the show, and what is with CJack60 hanging out with John at all? Perhaps John understood something about Epsilons we don’t understand. But will John fall for Lenina and then call her a whore? that’s the worst of it, but no Elizabethan insults could possibly have been hurled at her. In any case, stay tuned.

Beth