I know it’s a bit early. TW mentions of bullying.

Dear Santa,

I know it’s a bit early. But if I was only a child, I’d be on your knee right now, talking to you about stupid stuff like toys, etc. But guess what? I’m 35, no kids, no real house with a chimney, fireplace, and all theh fixings of a Christmas house. Santa, I believed in you for years, and I’ve seen a pattern of stuff going on in kids these days. While somem are saying, oh my god, kids are so spoiled, you know what I also see? Stupid, evil, abusive men. I see men who hit and beat up their wives and children, and the children write you letters saying, I want Mommy to have a ggood husband who does not beat her, won’t beat me up, etc. There are “elves” so to speak here in the real world who read your letters, and their hearts break. I don’t know if my letter will ever be seen by the elves here, but I know what I want for Christmas this year. Please tell me I’m not spoiled for asking this. I didn’t want to ask for anything but a modest clean house with a good walkable neighborhood, friends and a family and community that would support me in raising a child who will believe in you. I have always wanted a child, but that child needs more than I can give, but I would never want my own flesh and blood in the hands of someone who doesn’t get it. Let me begin at the beginning.

It all started with creepy crawly bugs in my apartment, maybe a neighbor has them, I don’t quite know. My longterm care provider, who is excellent and tops in all the things she does, basically had to stop showing up through no fault of her or her supervisor’s. I’m totally blind, and this building sucks. I have been stuck here for ten years in HUD public housing in Denver, Colorado, and I’ve seen my share of heartbreak. My partner and I don’t want to raise a child here in this run down … well, what I like to call a bug infested chateaux sometimes or a run down chateaux. The reindeer couldn’t get on the thirteen story roof and no way do you wanna go down thirteen stories to give presents to all these people who have either forgotten or don’t think you should be here. Some have kids and grandkids, but the grandkids visit on periodic times. I am only 35 years old, have never felt the pains of childbirth, and I have never forgotten you. You have many names, St. Nicholas among them, and if I were Catholic, I’d be asking you to bring me a child, whether through the foster system or by my own body. But alas, a job would have to be procured, but honestly, I don’t think it’s safe for me to have a job. I just want to change the world so that people can be here safely, not kill each other with guns and stuff, not call each other bad names or get unnecessarily bent out of shape just because I did something I had to do.

So the story is that I posted something about a house, an apartment, I just want a safer roof over my head, and families and such. While I have been blind my whole life, I know how this world treats us, but it is also a division of have and have nots. I have a really cool partner who I’d love to know what his child would look like, and all the good things that come with having a child. I’d raise that child to just let their imagination run wild, and every Christmas Day, I want for that child to wake up in a modest house, and I didn’t even post that I wanted a designer mansion in Beverly Hills for God’s sakes, but that’s how two people on my Facebook page perceived it. I don’t want a guide dog, I said, just a small spaniel puppy and nothing too special. I didn’t say I wanted a big yard, so I said I would get a dog with no requirement of a big yard. And the nasty comments came in. “You’re a spoiled brat. How can you afford this and you can’t even feed yourself?” what insults. Santa, I want those people to get rocks and … no, coal is too humane. How about environmentally friendly reminders of how mean they were?

Santa, the girl who also said I wasn’t living reality should get a hallucination from somewhere beyond, and then she’ll start talking to it, and then she’ll ask, is this real? Well, I don’t and have never had hallucinations so … what the hell she was doing was wrong. I’d give her a shrunken brain for Christmas with the words engraved like as follows:

Santa says you’ve been naughty, so here’s the scoop. All you get for Christmas is this … your shrunken brain. There you know what I mean?

My ex boyfriend, I’ve mentioned him here before, I don’t want him to get but anything for Christmas. He claims he has the best life, all those stupid friends of his who don’t even know my name, and frankly, I don’t know who he is anymore. I said in a live feed that he wouldn’t let me have a vibrator and all this and that, but truth is I liberated myself from this stupid prison called this is a sin and that is a sin. Santa, women want freedom and love and that’s it. Children have imaginations, and trust me, it was a child’s imagination and later an adult’s frustration that led to many inventions and concepts. For Christmas, I wish you’d just leave my ex’s stocking empty, and a note that says, you’ve been naughty, so here’s the thing: come Christmas you shall not be able to sing. My exes don’t need to be involved in my search for an apartment.

Do me a big favor, though, please give my caregiver more tools for her profession. Give her a vacuum cleaner that works. Brooms are cool. Please give her more money in her pay pack, and don’t let anyone give her migraine headaches. If she needs days off, please assure I won’t let her go. For her daughter, who is autistic, give her a long and happy life, and she will one day have kids who beelieve in you. But all I want is a modest rental or owned house with three beds and two baths, a kitchen, a living room, a family room, maybe a small porch, a small yard, a flat roof or rectangular roof. I don’t want to be without running water or electricity because hell, this is the U.S. and if the girl who is mentally ill behaves, please if you could just give her back her electricity, and let her glimpse her family members, and let her pee in a toilet instead of a bucket, okay? Fix her house, her plumbing, and all that. She doesn’t understand how awful it is to ask for something as reasonable as a house and get this badly beaten up. I am not asking for a mansion, but if you insist I live in a nursing home, I won’t write you again.

Please, Mr. Claus, I know you only do kids and toys, or maybe you don’t, but if I don’t bear a child, that’s one less person to believe your story. You brought stuff to kids who had nothing at all, but my ex, who’s. probably as immature as a boy and in his twenties, and this other gal he was talking to on the phone with me, look, I have empathy for the girl. But if she misbehaves I’m not gonna say a word. I want her to have the plumbing and heating she needs, and that tornado? I didn’t even know it was over her house. Please, give her a few Colorado peaches.

But all I ask is for a modest living situation, and Santa i’ll be glad to give you everything: my food, my check, some place for the deer to graze, what the hell else should I give you in return/ For my ex, I want him to have a virtuous and very good person in his life who can marry him and call him husband, and I want him to stop being entitled to sexual things with her. He needs to quit flirting with other girls, but she will also be the one to say, “I’m not your slave.” Give my ex the ability to cook for himsef, his wife, and future kids. And when the time comes, Santa, go to his and his wife’s room and I would hope you give them Christmas presents for the whole family.

What breaks my heart is that I’m being questioned about my abilities. I have a special wish for my disabled community members. Do not give us sight. Give us books we can read, ones in Braille and such, and please, santa, keep reading the letters of blind children. Make the parents get them out of bed and get them writing and reading Braille again. Santa, would you fly your sled over to D.C. and tell the lawmakers and old Mr. Joe over there that there are transgender kids who need a ride in your sled to places where they will have life affirming care and stuff like that/ There are many kids who could use my house, and if I get the house or modest rental, please let the kids come and I’ll find foster homes that are life affirming for them. There’s a girl in Texas who has received death threats, and you being the magical one, you know her name. She was born male, but she really is female, pronouns she/her/hers. Please give her lots of dresses, and money so her parents can get the hell out of Texas. Cut the lines of those who are bothering her, and tell the lawmakers in Texas they’ll be getting coal and rocks and useless crap in their stockings, nothing at all, or perhaps a summons letter to report to jail for threatening this little girl. Tell the girl’s mother that I wish her all the best, but that I’d give the shirt off my back for her because she needs it more. Look, if I. had a modest multibed place with no creepy crawlies, I’d be glad to share it with her. My husband and I would give our whole career and lives helping kids like that one. And please send my friends at the Initiative more tools so some more women and children with disabilities can be helped on my behalf. Santa, I know it’s a bit early. But for Christmas, I want to change the world, I want a modest house, and don’t make me copy Amy Grant’s famous Christmas song. Because her list is my list.

I have to see who messaged me, but I’ll see you and all your entourage at Christmas, and I hope that my wishes and the wishes of others come true. I’m sorry to write this early, but you have six months to prep. That’s plenty of time.

Beth

This is ridiculous

TW talk of death, CW talk of racial issues and extreme weather.

Dear readers,

I hate to write this on such short notice, but I’m done. I’m drained, I’m floored, flustered to the point of no return. We aren’t getting services tomorrow at home where they should be at eight to twelve, and I don’t blame necessarily my caregiver for this, but I’ve had caregivers not show up for long periods of time, and I don’t want to hear about the weather here in Colorado. Before you start spouting to me, move to Florida, think about where I was running from. Isolation, overmedication, liquidation, visitation, guardianship Hell. I would indeed happily sell my whole kin on e-bay before I move to a state whose body politic is made of nothing but white people, whose black population acts a certain type of way about me and blindness, whose other populations don’t get it at all. I would gladly upend my dad’s house, sell the trumpet he gave my brother for marching band, pillage the posters and wallpapers on every bedroom wall, and sell the house flipped before I even think of living in Titusville. I would never live there because there is nothing for me. No jobs, no friends, and this is where I am now. I have barely any friends, barely any time to do things, no essential caregiver for Monday, so that means we have to wait till Wednesday for any food and cooking, which puts us at a disadvantage, particularly me, and it’s not even the blindness. I’m sick of cooking and cleaning, not knowing what foods I bought, and during a goddamned pandemic? Give me a break! I can’t imagine what people are doing half buried in snow, but nobody gave me the consideration, the consequence being that I had things in my mattress, namely bedbugs, and the other consequence being that food was made, but it wasn’t healthy food that both myself and my Trenton could eat. Due to inclement weather conditions, we can’t get delivery. Ugh. Would someone please tell the stupid weather man and the weather gods to please please please stop this extreme weather? And before you go spouting off to me about Florida or Hawaii, I’ve got news for you.

As I said, Florida is racist and ableist. I would rather sell my whole family’s possessions and my kin relations and their genealogy before I ever set foot in that place again. It would teach them a lesson, a good hard lesson about what they have forced me into. Trenton wants a world where he matters, he matters a lot to me. If he died tomorrow in my arms because one of these Florida people shot him up with a bullet or two, I’d have to pay so much for his funeral, and before I even say the word funeral, guess what? I’d even do the eulogy and I’d be shouting at the rooftops, “Trenton’s life mattered. And you idiots shot him!!!!!!” I’d be shouting to the rooftops, bring my Trenton back right now, or you will suffer. I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs, this man’s life was snuffed out by your stupidity and I will never see to it that I live near you all again!!!!!!!! Just a half hour ago, I was crying like mad, thinking I was the problem. And worse, this world doesn’t change for people like me. I’d like to see a world where we’re all accepted, broken parts and all, but what we have here is not acceptable. My family didn’t think I was worth saving, that my life didn’t matter, and they stole sixteen years of it and where are Trenton and I going to live?????? If I died tomorrow, I said, well, at least there would be less of me to deal with. While at a workshop with a famous composer, I was confronted with a blatant attack on me and my ancestors, white and black, all of it. The minister was concerned about the agreements and all this stuff, and. he gently reminded me of all this, but I still have to deal with the burden of hurting. My life doesn’t seem to matter to the person who attacked me, and even more, doesn’t matter to the whole stupid world. I don’t blame my caregiver, but I want to see something different. I want to see someone in my building who can adequately cook food to the point of not getting sick after consumption. I wish the snowstorm didn’t happen, that this whole blizzard bullshit wasn’t real, I wanna wake up tomorrow and the thing be normal again. But it feels like a goddamn bad dream, something I won’t wake up from. There’s no lifting up a woman who is the target of attacks, and there’s no jubilee for someone who has not accomplished anything but musical circuses in schools and such. I’m sorry, but this stuff I’m writing here is true to me, and honestly, I’d like the person who tore apart my ancestry and made this rude and evil comment to me at the singing workshop to come forward and apologize. I want a full apology complete with the sentence, “I’m sorry you’re disabled and living in a rotten planetary conspiracy that pervades your existence. I will stop screaming in your presence. …” No, this apology should look this way:

Dear Beth, I didn’t know your story, I don’t know your ancestry. I am sorry I attacked you. I”m a bad consultant when it comes to diversity, and no, I am a racially insensitive bureaucrat.” When I see such an apology, maybe I can shut up and drive the way you people want. How can I be a part of any spiritual group when all I’m seeing is an attack on mixed persons? I want everybody, I don’t care who they are, to recognize the following truths. These apply not only to me but to others.

One, I am blind. The minute that was discovered, my privilege went bye bye.

I am female, and that means guys can prey on me all they seem to want, but that’s illegal. Got it?

Three, who in the world created me? Don’t say the G word, I don’t care about God because God never showed any consideration. Not one iota of consideration for me, not ever. Why’d I become so blind? Why am I the only goddamn person in my family with curly brown hair that frizzed out all the time? Why am I the only person in my family who has chin hairs and is female? Is there a racial reckoning in my family? Here’s another.

Four, the minute someone black walks with me, it’s “Don’t talk to that guy. He’s a gang member/drug dealer/bad news.” Well, haven’t you ugly fools who attacked me taken a look in the mirror lately? You tell me I can’t claim the ancestry of Africans, but it’s written in my DNA, and it won’t lie. You can’t tell me how to sing, laugh, cry, or exist. Haven’t you understood that any so called word you say has a consequence? This means, I’m sitting here crying like the baby you idiots claim I am, and now the day is ruined. I can’t be trusted to cook for myself and or Trenton, and it’s awful. Awful.

I won’t go into detail much more, but now I am wishing I had more support and people who would not attack or insult me about race. Like what am I going to do? Someone please get Cari on the line. Cari would never have done this crap to anyone, and this girl lived in Florida for 15 years. She died at a young age, and we played together as children. I can’t even fathom what she’d think if I brought Trenton to her. “Oh, he’s tall, dark and handsome.” Oh really? Would you really mean it?

readers, if you think this is too much, skip this crap. I’m drained, my eyes are swollen slightly, but moreover, wet and perhaps reddish from crying. I … am … done.

Beth

Freedom for Britney: First Steps and Major Changes in the California and American Guardianship and Conservatorship System

Dear readers,

The following is a very important bio that I want Britney to read, and Britney, if you’re reading this, this is my message to you. You will be all right, and I hope you will take the time to love yourself and get up on your two feet and walk away from your father’s control.

Britney, if you didn’t know me before, you will know me now. I saw you in concert in Orlando, so many damn years ago, I was in middle school, you were a cultural icon then, and the milk mustachios were a big damn thing. It was a cute sticker that perched on my upper lip, as though I drank the Got Milk thingy. I didn’t, of course, but I love the songs you sang, and you even had a Britney wash. Herbal essence was amazing with you, and you had a great time performing I could tell. Britney, if there’s anything i want to tell you, it’s that my life was almost like yours is now. I had a guardianship at age seventeen, and I lost all or some or most of my rights, and my dad told me not to be with so many people. Like your dad, my dad was a total dickhead. My dad wouldn’t even let me marry Trenton, my partner, should he see that Trenton was darker than all the boys at Titusville High school. I hate that school because the professionals there would not leave me alone, and I was denied my chance to go to prom, have a magical experience, all that. My life was thoroughly ruined from birth, perhaps, and I should tell you I was emotionally abused for wanting to see the Backstreet Boys in concert, meet them, and be in the spotlight. Well, now I am going to write you a song. I want you to let me sing this because though you might be called a bad singer or actor, so what? You can still be an author, you can still be a thing to be reckoned with in the circles of corruption and those corrupt idiots in California and Florida have one thing coming. us. Britney, I’d suggest you get a book and read it, go to law school, or volunteer as a paralegal or something. Hey, you may not be blind, and you’re so damn beautiful, so you can get jobs easier than I will. But if we team up, well, I want to show you that it’s okay to be you and you need to fly. Spread your wings and fly, why don’t you. Just cut your dad and his pinions off, and go for a flight. You’re an eagle, fly as high as you need to, and let your voice be your guide. Just be yourself, and I’ll be there watching you spread your wings, flying like the bird on the wing you are. Britney, it’s high time you knew you’re a grown woman, and your daddy doesn’t deserve one iota of your wealth, so let’s get ‘em, okay?

With love,

Beth Taurasi

Shut Down Christian private schools? Let’s Take A Look, And a Life Affirmation for One Student

Dear readers,

I’ve been hashing this issue out for a while, but schools that purport to be Christian private schools should never get the chance to put bisexual and homosexual kids down. Chloe Shelton was kicked out of a school in the second grade because she supposedly had a crush on a girl. There was another teen that was kicked out of a school for having a rainbow cake for her birthday. Sexual immorality my ass! The kicking out of Chloe Shelton was pure and inadmissible bigotry and hatred. This is not what Jesus would say if he came back here. What would Jesus do? If a child has homosexual tendencies, that is no grounds for dismissal for any reason. St. Teresa’s School is a perfect example of a school that bans LGBTQI+ individuals because of their so called Catholic teachings. I’d like to affirm Chloe’s decision, and I want Chloe to know a few things.

1. God loves everybody. Jesus loves everybody, he loved people who were considered outcasts, so why this school kicked her out is anyone’s guess. Bigotry and hatred have no place in this school, or any school at all.

2. You can’t fix stupid. I’m sorry, but fixing stupid isn’t the way to end the practice of expelling students from school for being gay or transgender or anything. the Unitarian churches I see don’t put up with things like this.

3. Every child is precious in the eyes of the Lord and the universe, and I believe that if Jesus truly understood what humanity did or said about Chloe’s actions, he’d be all, no, that’s not life affirming. This school should burn in Hell for what they did to Chloe, and there’s no excuse for any Christian school to be operating under the banner of bigotry and gender conformity.

I showed you readers the dress code from STS and wanted to let you all know that it screams rape culture, gender conformity, and a hatred for those who don’t marry before having sex. Teenage pregnancy is not the girl’s fault, and especially if she’s been raped. I hope the Christian schools today will analyze their Christianity, and understand that the way they practice will get them burned up by the lightning that God will supposedly rain down on these schools. They don’t practice love, only hatred and bigotry. Private schools are also expensive, so expensive that I would never send my own future children to STS and schools like it. Chloe, if you want to know what I feel about this, you are welcome to read my blog and understand that life affirming care is the way to go for you. If it becomes evident that you are bisexual or have a crush on a female, don’t be afraid. Come out and play with your friends. I hope you can find peace in knowing that one day, all the bigots and those who hate you for who you love and who you are will not get God’s blessing, not ever. Jesus never said that gay people were evil or wicked, and all this crap about sexual immorality makes me sick. To tell the truth, Chloe, I threw the Bible back in the preachers’ faces because of this whole bullcrap about sexual immorality and marriage or living with a man outside legal tying the knot. I’m a disabled girl with a disabled partner, and if we legally wedded, we’d be losing healthcare, protections from SSA, social security administration, and our future would be bleak for the kids. Imagine my children getting nothing but hand me downs, going to schools where they are treated like garbage, bullied, whatever. I don’t want that for you or for anyone’s kids. Chloe, you don’t even have to believe in the God of the Bible, you can do the things you want with whichever practice you want, and that’s the beauty of America. The United States of America clearly states that in the first amendment that Congress shall make no laws, “establishing the free exercise of religion, and of the right to peaceable assembly and of the press.” The First Amendment also can be interpreted to say that you have the right to an opinion, but you don’t have to kneel on the floor and pray to Allah or get your head cut off. Most Muslim places have repressive regimes and laws that say that you have to be Muslim and marry a man and all that crap. Just remember, you are in a blessed country, a place where you can be you. Just do your thing, and in your new school, I hope you will find new friends who actually like you, and a teacher who believes in you.

With love,

Beth

Letter to All Guardians Out There in Florida, You’re On Notice

Dear readers,

The following piece is dedicated to all those considering or currently holding guardianship in the state of Florida, for those who have guardianship over a young adult with a disability. Please read carefully.

Katy, age 26, can’t even have a boyfriend without her mother knowing it. She doesn’t have a bank account in her name, can’t spend her own money, is micromanaged on the daily. Because of privacy concerns, I’ve changed this girl’s name. Katy is blind, and she does everything she wants, but her mother believes that because of a small problem like blindness, she can’t live on her own. I have a message to all those Katy’s Moms out there.

First and foremost, Katy’s mom could isolate her from talking to me, could easily have swiped away her cell phone, could have taken away all the rights she is owed by the Constitution, could have died early and her ashes stored in an office by a professional guardian. Here’s what you need to know about guardianship.

1. It is supposed to be a relationship that allows a guardian to take care of someone, but guess what it really does? It allows the following items to occur concurrently, or all at once. And the ward has no rights, and it’s akin to human trafficking and slavery. Katy knows what she needs, and her therapist is there to help, but let’s tell everybody what it really does.

2. It allows an evil person, an abuser, a toxic fiend, to isolate the ward. Katy can’t have boyfriends, friends, whatever. Katy can not even marry. This is also very detrimental to Katy as she might end up my age, no kids, no job.

3. Guardianship allows rehab services for the blind to choose your career over what you want. I wanted to be a choral director, but no, can’t do because of flunking class, university costs, and my parents can’t tell me to go back home and sit there, a shell of my former self. I left the state of Florida because of this flunky attitude that the university had toward my accommodations. That was why I do not currently have employment, I was wasting my time in hiding, and even when I used rehab services for the blind in Colorado, the same issues popped up. They decided to scale back my career choices, send me to a bigot for psychological evaluation, and then they said I was unemployable, so rehab services are useless. Katy can’t use rehab services without her mom butting in. This is bad for her business prospects and her love life.

4. Katy has medical guardianship. If she gets pregnant, guess what? Her mom could tell her to abort the baby, which is tantamount to killing in some circles. Or the baby could be signed away to a strange couple or single mother who doesn’t give a fuck whether Katy is blind and independent or not.

5. Katy has probably had her free speech encroached upon for the safety of nasty patriarchs and important people. I had that happen to me. And I hope that guardians understand what their decision really does to a person.

6. My guardians lied to the courts about me, well, my former guardians as of December. It is very obvious why they lied. They created a toxic relationship between me and them, relegated me to isolation or bad people as friends, and when I found love, up till recently, it was always an abusive idiot. That is not okay, not okay at all.

So what do you do as a potential guardian who steals SSI checks? Well, here’s an alternative for you to consider.

Supportive decision making is a very good alternative to guardianship, and if you don’t consider this, well, you’re evil. YOu have to understand, there is no excuse for guardianships, and when Katy grows to be aged 90, she could end up beat up in a nursing home, but supportive decision making will help with Katy’s needs a lot better, that is if she was intellectually impaired. Don’t like the things I am saying? Well, put the mouse or keyboard down and don’t comment, because gguess what? You can’t. I’ve been trolled on the subject of guardianship, and it is an evil practice akin to institutionalization and human trafficking. When my former guardians are sued, I’m going to ask that my lawyer help Katy out. She will be free, along with thousands like her. Young adults with disabilities deserve independence, dignity, and human rights.

Beth

DCF Needs an Overhaul: The Ballads of Tekiah Innocent and Kayla McKean

Dear readers,

Imagine you are eight years old, were told to do your chores, and for failing to complete your chores, your body was covered in first and second degree burns. This was the case of Tekiah Innocent. This woman was abused as a child, and DCF has had a long history with the innocent family. From the news, I gathered that this young girl was neglected at birth by her mother, so went to live with a divorced father. But there’s a catch. Stepmother Tansy was abusive, making her daughter do drudgery like Cinderella, and for failing to do chores or lying about such things, Tansy spilled hot water all over her stepdaughter. While I tried to research this girl’s life and legacy, I can’t find any such stuff on the web. But I’ll never forget what happened after it was discovered that Tekiah was burned by her stepmom. She was transported to the Shriner’s Burn Unit in Cincinnati, Ohio to be sent there by herself with no family to comfort her. A trust fund was set up for her, thanks in part to the police officers responsible for arresting her stepmother, who was due to give birth again after getting herself pregnant on top of burning her stepdaughter. She had a little Anastasia or whatever on the way and Tekiah could have been sent back to live out her days as a Cinderella in Tansy’s house. DCF stepped in only because the grandmother did something about it. Mr. innocent, Tekiah’s father, failed to report abuse and was charged. Why was this done instead of failing to come through as DCF did for the next girl I’m about to talk about?

Kayla McKean was a girl of age 8 who was killed by her family and there was a lot of signs of abuse in this girl’s history. The family took no responsibility for her death, and worse, the teachers saw a fractured nose and soiled clothes on the girl when she was six. Now, her face adorns a “my expressions” box in her school, and children draw faces expressing themselves for her. Kayla was killed because DCF didn’t notice and didn’t bring charges either. Maybe because she was in a relatively stable family otherwise? We will never know.

Tekiah was adopted by a kinship group out of state, as far as I know. She’s in her thirties, but I’m sure she never forgot the incident with her evil stepmother. There are many things I wish I could have said to folks like DCF regarding my own mother. She used threats of violence to keep me out of her way, worse yet telling me she’d do damage to my humanity if I didn’t behave in a white girl way. Parents, take a lesson from the dead. Kayla McKean was beat up because she was female and young and vulnerable. Take a lesson from survivors like Tekiah. She was burned so badly that one leg was slated to be amputated. Below the knee, she may have a prosthetic. The girl was left crippled and unable to participate in the military, and if she hadn’t needed a prosthetic, she wouldn’t have experienced discrimination against the disabled. I don’t know what Tekiah’s current last name is, whether she married or not, or whatever. Tansy will never see her children again because she committed abuse. Serves her right, for if she struck again, there might have been death in the family.

My own story with DCF was because my mother slapped me in the face, kicked me in the leg, left me with sore bruises and muscles that were sore. I personally can’t forgive her for swatting me at seventeen, telling me I couldn’t cry for help, and when I wrote a letter to the professionals I trusted to help me, the parents retaliated by punishment. Well, they’re probably going to have to answer for going overseas on my dime, selling my things, and allowing Danny to marry before me. They should answer for all that when they meet their creator wherever they may be.

As for the DCF, they could have charged my parents with abuse, which they should have done, and if I had to live in a foster home, so what? My parents weren’t equipped to deal with blind people, much less a mixed race personage. Then my brothers called me crazy and accused me of being in a “crazy hospital” at age nineteen, when I was committed to LaAmistad for brainwashing, since i had no substance abuse problems. LaAmistad actually brainwashed me into accepting control, and they failed to tell my parents they were toxic. I can’t get along with my parents in person now, especially because I want to have children of my own with a black man. my parents probably have disdain for Trenton, for Michael, and for a high school friend whose name I fail to say because he has a slick job as a flight attendant and was furloughed because of covid. Michael Bonnehome was a Haitian born man who swore he had a crush on me, and I understood because we were both singers, pianists, whatever. michael did music for a living, and that was why I was so drawn to him. But the parental units, as my buddy nick calls parents at all, decided to put a stop to the relationship because michael was black, Caribbean, and had a child. They had no right to do this, even under guardianship because then I was relegated to men who were cheaters and losers, the kind of men who would say fuck off because you’re under guardianship. I was abused by a man called jason, of whom much is written here, but Jason accused me of defaming him, but he has been stalking girls a lot. I was told not to speak against him by numerous people, but it is a ploy to keep jason in the privileged white man class, where he doesn’t belong. Jason and Donald Trump have a bunch in common, except Jason’s hair is natural, whereas Donald Trump has a fake toupee. Donald spends millions styling his stupid hair, but Jason? Well, I’ll leave it up to the taxpayer to decide whether it is fair to spend millions of your tax dollars on a disabled and grumpy young man’s hair. jason is also someone I would never trust. There are a lot of men like Jason in the society we live in, and we must confront these stupids. It’s guys like Jason who make it harder for ladies and women like me to cope with all the crap i went through. jason was the reason I failed to go to appointments and failed to pick up prescriptions. I’m in a happy relationship now, but I feel sad for the girls who willfully let jason stalk and harass others, including Caitlin. She was friends with me before, but now she’s gone because she made threats against me for speaking out against jason. That guy seriously has his head on wrong.

Well, to get back to the point, I was relegated to dating guys like jason because all the good ones’ families would reject any possibility that their son could marry me and tell my parents everything. Deq and I sat through a phone call with my parents, and Deq said he wanted to marry me, but the parents rejected, basing their claims on racial bias and the Somali culture. I was a convert to islam at that time, but Deq was a born Somali Muslim, and my parents discriminated against him too. Deq, Michael, and Trenton all have one thing in common: they’re all in one way or another black. Black men are my parents’ worst fears, but they needn’t fear any hellfire from the universe if they can’t answer for their actions. Even on the last day of the world, according to the Qur’an, all people have to answer for their actions. No matter what religion you live in, perhaps my parents will burn with Tansy and kayla’s dad, Richard McKean or something. I forget the man’s name, so please forgive me if I get it wrong.

DCF must be willing to make sure that the first signs of abuse and toxicity in a family are addressed, including bias and racial motivated stopage of relationships like mine. If they planned to sell me to a white asshole, my parents just lost that opportunity. While they send me $200 every Christmas and $100 every birthday, they spend hundreds and thousands more on their sons. That is stupid and unfair. They spent billions perhaps on themselves in a lifetime, if i may exaggerate. DCF failed to approach my parents and they accused me of lying about abuse when it was happening right under my nose.

If you work at DCF or any child welfare org, hear me out. I know you’re burned out, but look carefully at the signs and symptoms of child abuse and family toxicity, and take the kids seriously without telling them you don’t believe them.

Beth

Guidelines for Gifts with Adults in Mind

Dear readers,

Have you been invited to the office Christmas party and not been able to find the perfect gift? Well, with Covid, offices have had to cancel their Christmas parties, but you can still buy gifts for people online, but I’m not here to tell you specifics. I’m only telling you what sort of thing to look for when choosing the perfect gift for your loved one this Christmas. Here’s the skinny.

First, get to know the recipient of a potentially awesome present. Think of this as the beginning of Secret Santa. We did this in chorus a lot, and we also did stuff like this in other settings. Ask the recipient what they like, dislike, and what’s special about them. Examples include that the recipient likes dogs, their favorite color is red, and they are allergic to nuts. I’m not thankfully allergic to nuts, but that is just an example. If a gift recipient is blind, take note of this and find a gift that fits the budget specified in the event you’re attending, but make sure that gift is usable and not something that you wouldn’t see ever again, or something you’d get in a landfill real fast.

Make sure you have a budget. For my chorus gifts, I think the budget was $20. Reasonable, as some of the things people want would be very highly expensive, but even a $20 gift would suffice. Here’s another idea for your budget: make sure you think about gift card values in $25. If your budget allows, ask your recipient where they like to go on a good day, what they want to do with money, etc. Gift cards are always a great idea or perhaps these days, purchase them something they can use. Does your friend or family member like Disney movies? Purchase them a free month of Disney Plus, the Disney streaming service. Does your friend like to read? Audible gift cards are a must. So, if you really want to buy something thoughtful, those are definitely good go to things to try.

When you are opening a gift with family, you want to know what that gift says in the symbolic nature of things. Never ever give out guns and rifles to anyone who is experiencing depression or suicidal ideations, etc. It is imperative that when you give a gift, especially for someone with disability or mental illness, you keep the message in mind. What does a gun say about your relationship with that person? Giving that recipient the family’s old weapons could lead to disaster. Always keep in mind what the person actually wants. If you give me a box of red and gold Christmas lights, I’ll be darned happy about that, but however, I want to make sure that those Christmas lights are used every year. And it has to be done in my own home. I got the most inconsiderate idea for a gift, a white elephant thing of party lights although it was a luck of the draw thing. Wrong colors, I thought. They were orange and blue, not reddish gold. Those are inappropriate to use for holidays, I thought. It’s not that I’m ungrateful for your gift, but you didn’t consider or take notes. White elephants are usually not thoughtful things, so I wouldn’t participate if I had a choice. In any case, please make sure your gift is inclusive, thoughtful, and kind this year. I had to tell my own parents that Denver has no indoor dining, same with Lakewood, etc etc. I told them that Olive Garden likely isn’t my choice of restaurant this year. GrubHub or Door Dash gift cards would be a better option and or a visa or something more flexible. It’s not that I’m telling them that I”m expecting this or that, or entitlement or all that. We are in a pandemic year, and restrictions are everywhere, so my parents should no doubt buy accordingly. If they send me that stupid card again, I’ll have to do curbside pickup for Olive Garden, the only restaurant that card goes to in Colorado. The other restaurants are in Florida, how convenient. But they have no locations near enough for myself and my partner. So we need to change how we do things, especially during Covid.

I hope everybody has a safe shopping experience. For tips on online shopping, you could turn to just about anyone for that. Pay attention to shipping deadlines, buy before deadlines and all that stuff. There’s something called shipageddon going on, which is sort of … well, shipments are overwhelming the system. Please, whatever you do, pay close attention to the deadlines for your kids and the adults in your life as well. Thank you for reading, and have a good Christmas. I hope to write more here soon.

Beth

Children’s Holiday Gift Guide

Dear readers,

While I don’t have any links to specific toys for your child, I do have some guidelines for parents shopping for a blind child today. For one, a lot of toys are interactive, board games seem visual, and there are a multitude of coding kits and so on, but almost none of the robots, board games, and educational games were made with blind children and adults in mind. I have blind parents who are enthusiastically trying to raise girls and boys and … well, nonbinary people too, of all ages and types. The big thing is that if your daughter wants a science toy, more power to her, but when you look at toys for blind kids, you have to look at toys the child can easily play with. Think about, for example, the toys you played with as a child if you’re the parent in this case. Did you like fashion dolls? Did you do beads? Sewing/ I can’t stand doing needlework, but I did do fashion dolls and stuff, but here’s the big thing: if youru son wants a doll, more power to him. Buy him that doll, even though your gendered programming may say otherwise. Here are some toys for all children you could try, and I’m not naming specifics, but here are some to buy and some to avoid.

1. Buy toys that educate, and think simple. Examples include Play Dough and slime. I did a ton of work with play dough when I was a kid, and there are still play dough kits and sets you can purchase online through Amazon. They have a compound kit for kids that’ pretty hot this year, so be on the look out. Play dough is a tactile alternative in my opinion to coloring books and such, where the coloring book has no tactile lines to color within. My mom had to puff paint one such book, and I’m not so sure those will work with totally blind kids with no color or light perception.

2. You can always get Star Wars toys. Those are always fun, but then there’s the risk of losing half the small pieces/parts and your 2-year-old mouthing those small parts and choking to death. Avoid buying small figures and small parts for the obviously very very small child. Just be careful, but if you have an older child who loves these toys, go for it.

3. For children who love being a bit nerdy or perhaps the child who is curious about the world around them, there are augmented reality toys and things that will quiz your kid on things like world geography and such, but I’d avoid those toys since they may require vision to operate and is the app accessible? That’s a question your blind child or you the parent should always always ask before you want to up and buy the latest gadget for your child.

4. For any child who is curious about women’s history, Pleasant Company has the American Girl collection, and I think they’ve come out with inclusive story lines and other things. If anything, books in the dolls’ collections may be in print, but there are Bard equivalents in the American Girl series available through NLS. Your child historian will enjoy these kinds of things, and these are stories as told through the eyes of such characters as a runaway slave, a Mexican immigrant, a Native American girl, a WWII era girl, a WWI era girl, and a girl from the Vietnam War era, and oh did I forget there’s a turn of the twentieth century girl too? And to round off all the girls, you have a colonial girl from Williamsburg, and it’s pretty interesting what the American Girl collection has in store for us these days. You could buy your own subscription to the American Girl magazine, I would hope it’s still there, but then there’s more to it than this. You can create customizable dolls with a variety of skin tones, abilities, and stories of their own. You can also buy lots of accessories for that doll. I want to point out that the Native doll is amazing, and she comes with different clothing and a powwow outfit and stuff like that. Through these dolls, your child will learn more about American women and, as an added bonus, literacy will come right along for the ride. Like I said, there are American girl stories available on NLS Bard, and you will be able to look at the history of each doll online.

5. Avoid toys that promote violence and gender discrimination. This may sound odd, but certain Disney characters may include the princess as a marriage piece. While it is okay as an adult to go through the Disney classics, I don’t want the next generation to get hurt when they realize that singing doesn’t get you anywhere, that marriage is not the end all destiny of every woman, and that dresses are not just women’s clothing today. These days, the princess culture can be seen as gendered and specifically geared toward putting a girl in her place. If your three year old daughter, however, wants a baby doll, fine. Just don’t necessarily emphasize caregiver roles for her. If your 6 year old son requests a paint ball gun, be smart about it. Why buy a paint ball gun for a boy his age? What will that encourage? My brother kept asking for a damn paint ball gun one year for Christmas, to which my mom said, I’m not buying it. Smart move, as this would have promoted violence against people. I don’t think paint balling is any fun when women in their underpants are forced to run around a little arena where men hunt them down and splatter them with paint from a gun. The women get paid, but I would feel sick about giving any male or female child a gun of any kind for Christmas.

6. Avoid toys that don’t include the child should this child be disabled. Also, if you have a black or mixed race child, there are plenty of inclusive options. There’s a Rosa Parks doll out there, but black fashion dolls are now becoming more needed than ever. Kids need to see themselves in the toys they play with, see themselves in stories they read. Refer to option 4 and learn about the American girl dolls I mentioned earlier. they have lots of dolls that are black, white, brown, whatever. Girls can customize the doll if they want to see themselves and write their own story.

7. For very young toddlers, see option 2, but avoid small parts and only buy toys that are easier to manage for this kind of child. Between 2 and 4 years of age, toys become things that a child can or will put in their mouths. You don’t want that to happen, so try buying toys that don’t promote wasteful packaging, contain small parts, or don’t have the bright fun coloring kids like. Toddlers of all types enjoy playing, no kidding, but plush toys and bigger packages and parts will work fine. IF your kid has any kind of diseases that include Pika, be careful when purchasing matchbox cars. Most kids love matchbox cars, even I had a couple of those myself.

8. Encourage your child to dream big. Buy them legos. when in doubt, buy legos, and legos are awesome. Why? Because everybody can play with them. Just remember, you don’t have to buy Lego Friends for your female child but if you wanted to buy that Harry Potter castle Hogwarts set for her, fine by me. You could also encourage your child to build legos into things they dream up, and here’s another reason why we need brainy people in the world. A seventh grader made a very much in need product out of lego blocks, a Braille embosser. Who knew! Legos are one of those fall back things you could try and when you buy them, encourage your kids to build the world they want to see.

9. Avoid the toys that belonged to a dead person. Depending on the psychological ramifications of a person’s death, please, I beg parents everywhere, listen to your child. the toy that belonged to someone in the family that choked to death or killed themselves is a recipe for disaster for the living child. Be extremely careful. Also avoid used and broken toys because what will your child say if your toys are broken before they have a chance to play with them?

10. Set a budget for all toys you buy for your kids. Given the Covid pandemic and so many families struggling financially, you might want to consider toys that are in budgetary consideration. Example, say you want to buy toys for four children, and you have a lot of bills to pay. Try setting a budget, say about $20 per child per toy. Or, you could try $25 per child per toy. Either way, budgetary concerns are real and you and your family may want to consider those a priority. $150 for all the kids’ toys is another idea, but don’t just go up and buy that Arendell play set from frozen because you can, and don’t just up and let your child purchase that thousand buck dollhouse and cookies. Oops, one six-year-old girl actually did that and her mom was like, what???? the mom and daughter eventually gave the stuff away to charity, and the mom? Well, she set up purchase pins and disabled voice purchasing for her daughter. Good on her because she couldn’t necessarily afford the cookies and the dollhouse. Ugh, the only thing a child really needs is validation, but pay attention to what the child says and does not say when you are surfing the web for gifts this year. If you are struggling, and cannot buy toys for your child at all, consider applying to do Toys for Tots. Toys for Tots is a very awesome organizational effort done by the U.S. Marine corps. they’ve been doing this for a long time. If you do have enough money, and you want to donate, consider donating money or a new unwrapped toy to Toys for Tots.

Be on the look out for the guide for adults, but for those families who fear Santa won’t be there, do not be alarmed at all. Santa will be socially distanced, or physically distanced should I say, for photos with the kids. Also, if you want to write a letter to Santa, write to 123 Elf Road, North Pole, 88888 as far as I know, and get your letters in for Operation Santa as soon as possible. The big man isn’t taking the year off.

Beth

Letter to My adopted Fathehr and a Message for my Biological Father

Readers, have you ever had that parental relationship with your family flooded with resentment, where there was a possibility that even if you spoke up and said you didn’t like a decision they made, they didn’t care? This is the case for Mom and Dad Taurasi. They have been guilty of making many deeper bad decisions than they claim I made. Let’s just have this letter tell you what the decisions were and the impact they all had. Have you also been in a situation where you the college student was slept with by someone who later denied the resulting real live baby? There’s something for that one as well.

 

Dear Mr. Taurasi,

Throughout your life, you always have to make a decision about something. We all have choices to think of, and each situation is different. You remember that choice begins at toddler years and earlier. Your mother might have asked, “David, do you want the red cup or the blue cup?” Or she might say, “Do you want to wear a blue shirt or a white shirt with that new pair of pants?” Your dad might have asked, “David, do you want a toy airplane for Christmas or do you want a collection of matchbox cars?” Your brother and sisters also had to learn to make basic choices. Toddlers, however, do not make deep decisions based on thought. After all, they are tots and their brains do not develop or do things like an adult brain. When you got older, Dad, you were taught the value of what your choices have on you, those you make the decision for, and others you may have never met. Ever had that situation where Grandpa said, “David, go walk the dog please.” As a young teenager in school, flooded with homework, you could say you thought “No, I don’t wanna walk the dog. I have hours of study to do. I was also invited to a movie with a friend or to a burger stand with my buddies.” You were also asked to do other things, and presented with multitudes of choices. As a high school marching brass member, you had the choice to join. Grammy might have smiled and blushed proudly as you took your first blasted notes on your trumpet, and remembering how Danny practically reminded me of a dying cat the very first time he attempted a simple Mary Had a Little Lamb, your decisions about your playing should have come as no surprise. Remember, however, that Grammy and Grandpa, your parents, still had to bust the bank for your band uniform rental, your band pictures and formal senior portraits, and did you forget you had to make the biggest steps of your life besides? What, then, drove you to decide to then attend the University of Notre Dame? It might have sounded great on paper, but did you ever stop to think that the school cost too much, that it was in South Bend or that you would be sheltered and shielded from the cruelty of the real world? Well, Dad, listen up. It was your call on that, however, it probably did not open you up to the ideas I was exposed to because of Catholic teachings being the way they were at the time. You never saw the existence of gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered, queer and ally individuals who currently populate the worled. To you, everybody must abide by traditional marriage rules. Marriage was between a man and a woman. But more so, marriage would later be defined as being between two sighted people of different gender identities. Did you ever stop and ask, well, what about those who are attracted to the same sex persons such as gay and lesbians? How about if I said transgender people exist? Would it ever cross your mind that Notre Dame disrespected your elected government officials due to faith based hogwash? Guess it never did because your family and the family after was Catholic from the cradle, and all you wanted was a faith shaping from childhood through college. Let’s just say you also developed a patriarchal attitude toward a woman who is blind.

Let me ask you something, is love blind? Why on Earth would you marry a woman with a child? You should probably have given it some deep thought. Is it desperate the way Mom wanted it? Oh, sure sounds like it to me. Many single moms of any time period will oftentimes make bad choices about the man they pick based on their desire to put a father in the child’s life. Aunt Cathy did it, so I would say Mom could have done worse. You two did unite in the parenting department, however, it is apparent that your union was a terrible choice for someone who is blind. Let me explain your decisions and why they were tantamount to terrible misdeeds.

First things first, what was really your wish? You wanted a sighted family, a sighted child. You desired for me to know that we live in a sighted world. Well, we live in a world that is not so much sighted, but filled to the brim with people who would not consider the blind in their access and purchase decisions. You included.

In my life, all you saw was a perfect Catholic daughter, but due to blindness, you saw more exploitative opportunities due to musical talent you saw while I played many pianos and other instruments. In your mind, I was the little curiosity shop. You could have sent me to a school for blind children, yes, but maybe you are glad you didn’t. Well, even if you wanted to, you could not have done it with a good conscience. Jennifer Driggers, age 9, died at the facility in Vaille Hall, the multiple handicaps dorm at the time. Christine Edelmann, age 10, died because of her head being in a plastic bag. She suffocated. There were also frequent reports of staff and students in inappropriate intimate postures. Robert J. Sandefur, graduate of a Baptist theological school and doctorate of pastoral studies at Andersenville Theological Seminary which btw is online, that guy went to FSDB during the dark times. He recalls frequent questioning by his parents, gentle if not a bit prodding for his sake, the question including, “Did anyone touch you on your pee pee?” It was needed but look at how backward the poor school has gotten!

Marriage education isn’t so much an educational joke as much as it is a reflection of your choice of the most backwoods part of the country imaginable! There is no comprehensive sex education class offered in most blind schools.

Trenton Matthews, my dear consort for a long while now, testified to me that health education was canceled in the school at Colorado Springs, where he is a graduate. Sadly, for you sighted cronies who believe blind schools are bad, not so much with CSDB. Trenton learned and had better luck with some friends, although getting himself into trouble as well, but hasn’t all of us done that?

What you decided upon, oh my abominable mistrusted father, was this: it started with my desire for a violin. Why oh why, must you have asked, why is my daughter wanting this? You had a wanton desire to send me to Catholic school just because you went there. Does that really mean anything? Let me explain why this decision was bad.

You should have been more investigative in your research into a school like St. Teresa’s School. It had ZERO special services, and you initially would have had to fight as you and Mom had had to do. On top of ZERO services for the blind, this school would not be a good place to learn about real issues affecting OUR nation, not Ireland, not Scotland, not any other place, we must learn about OUR national issues. Instead of a comprehensive health education for only puberty ridden middle schoolers, you have a school teaching second graders what the hell an ovary is. What the hell is this!

I would be glad to tell a young daughter of mine at that age the very very basics, like look, child, your father has a big fat … say it you little scallywag, penis. Do not blush or act all squeamish about it, it’s a damn word we all must learn. And it showed itself when the St. Teresa’s School kids were all gathered together and unable to read the passages about genitalia! How the hell do you cope! Middle schoolers at this stage in my book should be absolutely required to address words like “breast” and “penis” and “vagina” with all the formality of a medical student, and they should know this stuff by heart even when they’re young. Suppose my son comes home molested by a preschool teacher, Mr. Bob. I would ask a prospective son, “Where did Mr. Bob touch you?” If able, he would have to describe the proper wording for that thing between Mr. Bob’s legs, and without any giddy laughter, describe the pain and humiliation he felt at seeing or feeling Mr. Bob’s penis. Your schoolkids at St. Teresa’s were programmed for a marriage only track. Traditional marriage, I’m sad to report, is dead and gone. Face it.

You also had a choice to try a more tolerant state for those with disabilities, and you claim that in high school, I had it all. Wrongo. My band director, we know who he is, did give me the opportunity to be in band, but Mr. Schwindt could not replace the emptiness that you yourself caused by not allowing me to form bonds and relationships outside your Catholic family group. You chose a backdrop to this thoughtless education that contained a backwoods Republican ultraconservative government who hated disabled people’s autonomous existence. Why oh why?

Your thought is only that of a tropical sunset on a beach. Well, given the choice of a day at a beach alone with no friends and only your filthy rich mantras around, and then a lifetime in blissful freedom with Trenton, I am choosing the latter due to your thoughtless task.

We’re closer than ever to deciphering why you can’t think. Your brain is corrupted so far with thoughts of yourself and the boys who make up three and the wife makes four. As the black lamb or ewe in this family, I was treated with more disrespect as the years rolled by. And you fail to ask who would marry or have anything with me besides friendship or a use relationship with exploitative qualities to it. This happened with you. You used me, your daughter, as a glass centerpiece to your other projects. You used my talent so you could just make me swallow the painful truth of your stupid decisions, including what I mention next.

When you got the guardianship, what went through your mind? Three words: I love you. Doesn’t sound like a love to me, but you do not know how to interpret love as it should be. Another three words in your mental screen: who’s the parent. Guess what? Now I am. I’m the one who does my own thing, and if you ever so much as tries to contest marriage based on ability to understand sex, consent to sex, etc., you will lose. I was labeled border line for no reason, and I’m becoming a lot worse off with MHCD and medications that have not arrived. I’m not going to take antipsychotic drugs that limit what you want limited. You had me on mood stabilizers, and you hate birth control, which is not just pregnancy prevention. St. Teresa’s school taught vehemently against birth controls in the form of pills and such, but they taught false and inaccurate information. Catholic schools teach kids only the doctrine, not real education. Education involves forward thinking. The guardianship was not a progressive thought in your mind, in fact it was a bad decision. Look who left and look what was stolen from me as a result of your forceful patriarchal crap toward women! Look at me, young … middle aged man, look here. You aren’t a real man. You made bad choices, but the guardianship took the cake for the worst choice ever. Trent and I are preparing a possible marriage and we’re not backing down, I’ve been informed. If you contest our marriage based on false evidence of “meltdowns” or older test scores that do not matter, you will lose. Fight our marriage, and you will lose yours. Deal?

 

Dear Mr. C.,

I am here to announce that you’re my dad. Right? Say it, young man. You’re the father of a blind woman. You slept with my mother, right? You knew she was a Catholic woman in a so educated Catholic family, so why on Earth did you two elope in a way like that? You tell me, what is it like to sleep with a pure virgin who later runs off with … your baby, yes, and marries a pile of rock? You deny my existence, and for this, you will pay dearly. I have paid dearly for life because of the disability I was born with, and I have also paid for having an illness or two. I’m forced to pay for my marriage to Trenton Matthews, and he is the only person who gives a crap. If you’re out there, you will do the following: write me a note of apology for your role in creating this mess. You denying my existence is dirty on your conscience, trust me. So to both Dave and Mr. C., you both need to do your homework. Denying my existence will cost Mr. C. his lifeblood and birthrights and all that, and as per the couple responsible for protesting against a simple act of love, you will lose. I am done with these parental figures, and this is the end of life itself.

Another Audition, results, and Blake and I

Another Audition, Results, and … Blake! I Am Here!

Dear Diary,
It is now October, and I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a while. I auditioned for Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ, but was told to do a pre prep workshop before I could perform. Darn it. Honestly, what if they teach me to polish a look? I can’t do that sort of thing if I can’t see myself in the mirror. Ewwwwww. I can’t see myself in the mirror, and that is a bad idea. I’m not in favor of basic modeling, and of course they’d want me to be the very best, but as a blind woman, I can’t make eye contact with the camera. They’ll demand retakes of all my pics, and I’ll never know what they all look like because I can’t see. This is stupid. I can’t see why they’d want me to do modeling and acting, which is both inappropriate for blind people and in the case of modeling, insufficient to let a blind person do what he/she wants. I can’t, for instance, say I’m looking good enough to model for a car company. I can’t do that. I can’t model for people because I don’t believe I’m good looking enough. The Voice rejected me because of blindness, I swear it was blindness. They should have taken me on and allowed me. Also, it was because of my body image and they don’t want that kind of “image” on stage. What if this happens at the pre shine workshop I’m probably gonna register for? What about the Bridge tuition? I need more money for that, and I want to see where this goes. Idk what I’m going to do. I’m just not good looking enough, and as a disabled woman, I’m probably undesirable to a lot of people, except Blake. Blake wants me because it’s my insides, but what do sighted guys want? Looks, looks, looks. I’m not going for that. Envy is a plant that should never be watered. I’m not trying to say I shouldn’t look clean and groomed, but if my body is the way it is, I can’t change it. I can’t get a tummy tuck and plastic surgery because it’s not covered by insurance. My parents might even tell me I can’t walk around in a certain gown and so on. Well, they could tell me no even if I’m 50. So I’m out of their grip, and I”m gonna stay that way. But for Blake, there’s more desire in me. Blake desires me because we’ve both been through hell with family stuff. I can talk about family probs with Blake because he supports me in all ways. Jessie, one of my newest friends, is from Florida, and I’ll have him guard me when my parents walk in to the hotel room. I’ll just have him say, “You’re not welcome. A performer is in this room, and you aren’t allowe4d in.” IF that doesn’t work, I’ll call the front desk and say they’re not welcome guardian or not. I want them gone, out of here, whatever. The only time they can be welcome is if they promise not to take me to Titusville, and they will sign a paper that says they can’t do so. That’ll do it. But what if they disobey the rule? Jessie is blind, and they could just say one thing and do another. I’ve had many people do this to me, say one thing and do another. That drives me nuts. But Jessie is not like that. He’s sweet, but he’s not the sort of guy who could possibly steal me from Blake. We talk, but it’s not like we’re gonna date. I have no interest in dating Jessie, just being friends. I’m setting the record straight. Jessie and I have no interest in anyone seeing text messages and phone calls between each other. That’s bogus. I would not be surprised if a hacker breached my phone and saw the texts from say, Blake. Blake would say, “I love you. Baby, I wanna feel you right next to me.” I’d go, “Oh, baby. ❤ I love you." Blake woulod throw back at me a message or something loving and stuff, and people would see the texts and go, "Ewwwwwwww. Scandalous." But the big thing is, I am not taking nude selfies. I don't want nude selfies to appear online. I would NEVER take such pics. I'm not stupid am I? Cathy would kill Blake for seeing me nude. IF she saw me in the Nude, she'd probably shoot me silly. So, in light of what I'm about to do, in the singing business, I'm warning you all, do not ask me to send you nude pics and so on. Naked pics are not my thing. I don't send any kind of nude pics, I don't want provocative pics either, revealing clothes, etc. I have a much more modest look, and my body is special. Blake doesn't care if I'm fat, thin, or really plump. I'm going to get plump again, so if Blake doesn't desire me, so what. He has to, I will be his wife, and if he doesn't become attracted to me, then what is the point! I would rather have a guy be attracted to what's on the inside. Blake loves all of it, inside and out. All you modeling agencies out there, don't ask me to model sexually provocative Lane Bryant stuff. Ewwwwwwwww. Don't ask me to wear feathered bras, and don't do it to a toddler near where I'm standing. Ew. Yuck.
Ok, rant over. I'm done here. I just am going to pray and hope that the pre shine Bridge thing works good. They've had broken links like hell, and I'm having to offer to help them keep compliance with the ADA since they could find the next Ginny Owens, who is blind. Peace.
Beth