My Mental State Is Not MY Fault

Dear Readers,

It’s been another while since I posted here on WordPress. I want to tell you all a little bit about me nobody knows, except on FB. I shared on FB and Twitter about having a diagnosis of PTSD, and I see the symptomology of it every day popping up in my life. My heart rate goes up a lot when I get nervous, and that’s nothing compared to what happens when I see names, phrases, and people that I need to avoid to make sure they don’t hurt me again. Examples of these include a young woman who followed me on Twitter and beforehand, called me a slut. Worse, she called me a “dick hungry dog in heat” and referenced my ex, Joseph Hagemeier. I don’t appreciate that and it hurt me lots. Now every time I see that girl’s name on Twitter, my heart races like a car on a trioval track. I don’t ever associate with Downtown Denver too, avoid Lodo because of all the shit that I’ve been through. Trenton and I have been through practically hell, and we’re stronger for knowing this information. I cannot, however, for the life of all things good, I can’t tell you how much both Trenton and my close friend, Clayton, have both been incredibly supportive, even if Clayton or Trenton had weak spots or mental stuff or something dark happened to either. I also want to tell you all, this diagnosis is by no means a license to call me names, call me out, or threaten my life. Clayton especially won’t put up with this. Target me, and I promise there will be consequences.

Another thing, I have to be careful because people have made awful judgments about my love life, and I only have energy for so much time between two strong men. Yes, I’m studying and wanting to explore an open relationship, and Trenton says it was my idea. Even if you don’t read this blog, you should educate yourselves on open relationships. I will only open my heart to one man, and maybe a bisexual female if she likes both myself and Trenton. I don’t want to hurt Trenton’s chances of being father figure at all, but Clayton being the experienced and wise for his age kind of guy should get the chance first because of his experience and because this is a need for him. I’ve never seen a guy cry over stuff and never felt the need to comfort him as strongly as I do now. WE’ve bonded so well, I may be doing some stuff on the internet to help him get money in the jar, and I have promoted the hell out of his Twitter tip jar. HE has two Twitters with tip jars, so the more the merrier. IF you wish to send him a tip, please tweet me, and I’ll show you where to follow and send him a tip. This guy. has been nothing but loyal, sweet, strong, and true to me since the beginning. I apologize if I ever said a hurtful word to him, I regret writing stuff I might have because I was angry that he quit speaking to me for a time, but he bounced back like a boomerang, and he said he loved me too much not to say a word. I owe my strength to his wisdom. HE has taught me loads of stuff, but there’s more we can learn from each other.

AS I watch the Handmaid’s Tale, I can only think of what could have happened if the U.S. fell. Clay would be thrown aside and white old fur dressed men would take the spotlight, ban women from voting, and deprive us all of rights. I swear I won’t let the bad happen to Clay and me, or Trenton either. I told him once that I’d have stormed Trenton’s captor’s plantation and stolen Trenton by allowing Clayton to purchase him as “my wife’s butler.” Clayton would spin stories of all this stuff. He’d have banged up a few bad guys, and we’d flee to Canada, just like in the Handmaid’s Tale. Clayton would not be forced to command a dangerous regiment of sighted guys, but rather, I bet he would have to gather the nerdy among us and we’d have to, I swear to God, use every weapon at our disposal to rid the U.S. of these dangerous people. I want a country where Trenton and I and the babies are safe, no matter what. I’ve got many ideas on how to raise a family and even I have received much support from both of these guys, and they love me to no end. I thank the Gods every day for the blessing of these wonderful men, and more. I’ve got two girlfriends who want to hang with me, one other who wants to send me clothing. My mental state is a direct result of my toxic family, however. Clayton and I bonded over our family issues, and because I’m trying to be strong for him and Trenton, trust me sleep is elusive. Blame it on me, I don’t wanna wake up and find any of these guys taken from me, dead, or worse. My diagnosis is not shocking, and I think I see myself in Clayton, he is like the male versibon of myself, sort of. WE’ve gotten that much closer, and I can’t wait to meet him at some point. This won’t be discussed here but please bear in mind, I’m letting him call out the first things about us. I want him to make a move. Not me. Thank you readers for reading this, and if anyone wants to comment on what I wrote here, tweet or send me an email or contact me on my socials on the main website, which is listed in my twitter account.

Beth

Author: denverqueen

My name is Beth. I'm blind from birth and enjoy the blogging atmosphere. I am a creative person, a musician, a writer, etc. This is me. Take it or leave it.

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