Ever wonder if you’ll be happy with MyPillow Guy and his stupid infomercials? ARe you tired of his raving mad conspiracy crap? Well, I kinda thought about this and want alternative jobs for this dude. Here they are:
1. It started with a joke. My partner has a habit of stealing my actual bed pillow at night. So I humorously said, “If I catch you stealing my bed pillow, you will have to put the MyPillowGuy up for $5.” In other words, the first alternative job for the MyPillow guy would probably be a male sex worker. Simple, right? Well, at least he’d be shipped off to a different spot on the map and wouldn’t do anything there but hang around the red flag districts in a place like Amsterdam and go to strip clubs where women frequent. He’d have fun giving lap dances to ordinary gals, but as a sex worker, he’d be like, oh, okay. He’d go for whatever price he could put on his own self, and he’d be contributing to Europe’s economy, some other place’s economy and not selling fake pillows.
2. Well, if this guy didn’t like the shipping out thing, maybe he should try male private freelance stripper. He’d be able to entertain the top elites in their hotel rooms, go to strip clubs, bling himself out, and maybe not sell fake pillows.
3. If MyPillowGuy doesn’t like stripping or sex work, maybe he could try waitering at a restaurant, maybe a place like … um, okay, not Hooter’s. But not Twin Peaks either. I’d put him in someplace like Denny’s or something. Or make him a busboy. He’d have to carry drinks and food to customers, and yes, not sell fake ass pillows.
4. What if he really didn’t like the jobs listed above? MyPillow Guy might want to consider dog food taste tester. It makes good money and you get to make sure it doesn’t kill you off or make the dog sick. And he’d be telling plenty of stories about the nasty tastes of dog food to his colleagues at one of the other alternatives listed above, or to his wife and children around the dinner table. No fake pillows needed.
5. Perhaps he should try donating plasma. MyPillow Guy might enjoy the poking and prodding in his skin, or not. But does anyone know how important blood and plasma sales or donations are? A pint saves quite a few lives. And he doesn’t get to rave on about his pillow crap either.
6. Maybe he should just be a paparazzo and harass celebrities if that’s what could put him to a close but sticky jail sentence, depending on what pics he takes. paparazzi are paid to harass and take pictures of people, and maybe he could take the pics of people wearing his fake pillows around town, and you’ll be darned to see Norwood College nannies doing the defensive driving of their celebrity kids around so that people would really be like, that’s no guy in the Paparazzi at al. That’s the MyPillow Guy. …” The people would proceed to yell out that his pillows are just pillows, nothing special.
6. Idk what you all think, but most of the weirdos who commit crimes are hired as sewage workers or janitors. Perhaps this MyPillow king could sit down and get dirty for a living. Maybe he should be a janitor or house man maid, so he would clean up rich people’s dirty poopy crap and have to unclog pipes like a plumber, but not go super into that. Maybe a handy dude as long as he finishes the damn job and doesn’t promote his fake pillows.
7. IF he could sing, maybe he’d be charged to sing the national anthem at ballgames, but I would go a step further. MyPillow Guy would be required to sing the Black national anthem, Lift Up Your Voice and Sing. Maybe we’d have him sing that while his fake pillows are being unstuffed right in front of him. I’d torture him by making him sing that song twelve times. Okay, moving on.
8. Maybe he could be a construction worker, a builder, building affordable houses for the poor. He would not be allowed to put his pillow crap in those houses though.
9. IF not, just make him contribute to a soup kitchen, one that accepts sexual minorities. He’d be required to put all his soups there, and all the people would say, oh, is MyPillow Guy doing something productive for a change? He donated the shrimp stew his wife made to us. Yes, I’d be clapping hands for this one. And he’d not be allowed to promote his pillows too.
10. IF there’s one thing I wish for MyPillow Guy, it’s that he understand the meaning of life. HE needs to consider if not anything else being a philosophy professor, be forced to research liberality and topics he doesn’t like, and maybe he’d be waking up and changing his name from Michael Lindel to something else. He’d be all, “I don’t like you, Trump.” He’d be going, “Oh, dearest Judge Judy, I want to change my name to John fogerty or James McMichael and I’m not the MyPillow Guy anymore.” Perhaps when he sees the dead people who die because of his conspiracy theories, the deaths due to hate crime laws that Trump doesn’t or didn’t care about, the people being disrespected at Valor Christian School, and he hears the kids cry, well, the answer would be in a song I love so much. Blowin’ in the Wind. Bob Dylan, back me up.
IF anyone wants to tell me how many times must a man cry himself before he notices he is doing such, the many times bullets hit the streets, if MyPillow Guy had any good in his heart, he’d stop doing this crap he’s pulling on the world, and maybe he’d join Bob Dylan on the stage, singing a song that asks and answers many questions, that brings attention to the sad state of our human race. Mr. Dylan, I love you profusely because your music is so awesome. You bring attention to everything, you are a songster. Could you do me a favor and teach this My Pillow trash talker how to be a hippy? I transformed from a Conservative Christian into a life affirming liberal, and I hid all the liberality, but maybe the whole time I was in Colorado, I was and stil am a liberal thinking but Conservative dressing unlady who is so unladylike she doesn’t need to hold a flip you off sign that says, patriarchy get out. Truthfully, I don’t hate people, and I’d be glad to invite MyPillow Guy to become a UU in my church, and get rid of his fake pillow ads for good.
Have a happy holiday season, and I won’t be endorsing or listing Mike Lindel’s crap on this blog, so stay tuned for a gift guide soon.