Trigger warning, content warning, talk of serious trauma issues/mental illness.
Recently, I vented my frustration, wanting not to put this on my choir’s Facebook page for the Denver Women’s Chorus, but ended up receiving a nasty and vulgar comment from someone I’ve known for years. It’s times like these you find out who your friends are, and let me explain how I figure things out.
- The commenter said I was entitled and whining. Goddamn, that is not the truth. Entitlement award should really go to Donald Trump, who fires people he doesn’t like, discriminates against black and brown people, and doesn’t give a fuck about people’s illness and cancers, and if that was me in the White House, none of this would happen. Ever. Because Mr. Trump is inhumane toward everybody but his little buddies in Congress. And by the way, the entitlement thing should really be reserved for criminals and sexual predators, predators like my exes.
- Disgusting post? Bullshit, do I have a right to vent my frustration? Yes, and I do anywhere I want. Without being hanged or whipped, I can write that the prophet Muhammad is a child molester, and I can subvert anything I want. This is America, and you accuse me of being entitled or whatever and being the kind who throws a pity party? Beware, the words are dangerous, and calling out people for being entitled is absolutely disgusting in itself.
- Do you guys have any clue what happened to me at seventeen? I think not. I’ve been given a very bad hand of cards, and that hand included a fifteen year stint in Guardianship Hell. This included not being able to choose and dream, to collect myself, to go to college, not without a guardian hovering over all the papers. I will never go to university again, never read another college textbook, and not without the support of people who actually believe in me. I’m done with people who have jobs looking down on me and saying you’re an entitled brat. I’m done with people subverting my freedom to blaspheme God, putting checks on everything, saying inappropriately hurtful things about me. That’s why I got someone with a football prank, thank God he caught it but he was fucked majorly. I’m not going to tell you the last of it. I have a story to tell here in the blog.
I was on the bus in 2011, going to a vocational rehab required test by a psychologist, Dr. David Benson, who used an office in the Anthem Building as part of the practice he kept. I walked into this intimidating but huge building, sat down and was greeted with “Okay, we are going to administer some verbal and numeric tests.” I was put through a battery of memory tests, IQ bullshit, and other things I could name that are extremely grueling. But then the doc walked in, and I walked into the office. With hijab and all, the doc accused me of flatly pretending to be Arab, but the truth was I had been studying Islam, and in my studies wanted to wear hijab, but the doctor’s reaction was adverse. At best, compounding the guardianship and the fact that I would probably lose my then boyfriend, Deq Ahmed, this adverse reaction and adverse statement which is, simply put, racist and antimuslim, Islamophobic, was not welcome. I could not get a job after this statement was read. I never pretended to be any ethnic group. So to those blinds who think it’s okay to say this, stop it. The ethnic diversity of Denver will teach you all to mind the Muslims and other people who live here. I’ve had enough of people saying that I should “get off my ass” and get a job. There are traumas in life that simply cannot be resolved without punishment of the perpetrators. These traumas include rape, rape and impregnation, ID theft, death of a loved one, and above all, the guardianship that made me unable to make decisions about my life. I want to marry Trenton, but who’s going to support it because of race, money, and the fact that his choice of bride is questionable? I’m done being disliked, disinvited, and disunited with people who should be a coherent community, getting things done. It’s you all that make the civil rights of people like me impossible to have. It’s the idiots on radio, television, and book media who make it impossible for people to view me as a person. The inhuman ways you’ve all talked to me, behind my back, think that committing a mentally ill person is entertainment, etc. Guess what? You’ve lost something precious, a jewel. I hope you all fall down and don’t talk to people as much after you do, and stop talking whatever you do unless it’s something positive or nice or uplifting. There are times people think it’s okay to talk entitlement with me, and that is a dangerous and awful … what I call “fighting word.” Fighting words are protected free speech in some but not all circumstances. The blind community uses these awful fighting words as a weapon, a way to threaten and destabilize the community that desperately needs a 07% unemployment rate instead of that 70% unemployment rate that people often talk about. I am going to be honest, these fighting words, the entitlement, this all has to stop. Just stop it. You all are digging a big hole in the world, and I certainly don’t want to end up in the center of the Earth, so you all can go in there and watch the molten core float about in the lava mantel. If you want to reach China with that same hole you’re digging, you won’t. Not without burning up.
If you dare to read this, realize you’re no more closer to becoming a supporter than becoming the last person in line. I’ve had it with people saying I’m a whiner, let them go to a place where they don’t let you speak my name.