We had to scrap all plans to attend any birthday celebration in California. This is the biggest reason: SSI and not enough money between myself and Trenton and the bills and the apartment needing maintaining because of its status. Sorry, and even more so, I’m angry. Continuing the rant I had earlier on Dabel, well, for those of you who didn’t see it, I’m concerned about a few things: one, a welfare check at the apartment because the cops might get interested when a former friend of ours calls the DPD on us simply because we won’t talk to her; two, we will never have enough money and given the traumatic circumstances of the guardianship in my life, we will never be paid back. I want full payout from my family, restricting them to a fixed income like I have, not allowing them to go on exotic or domestic trips. We can’t take any form of a vacation because of SSI and its limits, and if Trenton and I are lawfully wed, there goes any possibility of a life within a family, and the family will likely not play together. So we could play board games, but they’re visual half the time, and for us blind folks, we have to buy special adapted board games from a company that sells such things. My kids will be embarrassed to learn that “Mommy and Daddy don’t want to take us to Disney World to meet Mickey Mouse because they are poor, can’t afford it, etc.” How am I going to be able to enchant my children with a museum visit without thinking, then what do we do for food? Then what do we do to get the mortgage paid off? And the electricity? Water trash and sewer? We always have to keep this shit in the back of our minds because we’re blind, because we cannot do jobs and job skills training is a big joke in the United States. For those of you in the National Federation of the Blind or the American Council of the Blind, please note that what I went through, I described in prior posts. I could’ve been called a raghead by the same stupid doctor who flaunted his ignorance of Islam. The same doc accused me of pretending to be Arab. This will stop, and the use of racist material to test a blind person should have been stopped before it got started. Now, his words impact where I go, what I do, and how I live my life. Because of Benson, I can’t get a regular job with benefits, that has paid parental leave, that has vacation time, that has a big fat check associated with it, good insurance, all that. My kids should get all their shots, and when they are newly born, there’s still going to be complications. Those little babies if they arrive at all will require immunizations, come Hell or high water. They will learn, regardless of what school they go to. The kids will have a good time with their parents and family, us. And that means Disney World, Universal Studios theme parks, or even Elitch’s. But we can’t even think about that. The first things we have to keep in mind are food, and for the sighted ones, the working poor, they have car payments. One woman in Detroit went on Oprah Winfrey’s show to talk about how she had to make a choice: buy food for her children and risk losing the transport to work, starve the kids and keep the car. This is not the America I want to live in. I want a country that will make it possible for me to enchant my kids with real vacations, in hotels with food and water, and with friends and relatives that care about us. And the best thing about vacations is memories. My kids need freaking memories. Taking pictures, as the old song goes, is making memories. LEt me add another line from the song: catching little pieces of time; making them yours, and making them mine. I could keep going with this song, but think of this. My aunt Donna took me and herself to a dolphin reserve, and we got to play at the now defunct Marineland on my sixteenth birthday. I got to learn how to make a dolphin bow. And I don’t remember the day Coach Bainbridge taught us American history of the bank, but I do remember most of what I learn in history because I love history. But the dolphin park memories stuck with me, and guess what? We have pics of this experience, but yet I have or had a shirt with the trainer stuff on it. I was an honorary dolphin trainer, and that was cool stuff, wasn’t it? This is just one big example of memories I will never make with my children, especially if we can’t make money. We’re not made of dollar bills, and SSI will likely be audited. I really want my kids never to have to grow up in a shabby run down building with bad furnishings, slapped by someone worse than the friend we both blocked, or worse, thrown into foster care because of mine and Trenton’s relationship or blindness. What we want, ultimately, is to enchant the kids with trips to the opera, the movie theater, concerts, ball games, and many other memories they will be able to take home with them to the next life and beyond. Our friends in California understand our frustration, but how many times will we ever explain to their kids even? How is it that these people, both lawfully wed, both blind, etc., will ever say, “Kiddos, we can’t afford theme park excursions. We will never be able to meet this character or do this thing because I have to pay the dog’s or the cat’s vet bills, or we have to pay the house bills.” And worse, how is this couple going to afford a job? Yes, the woman is going to college, but then what? After college, who is going to hire her? Who is going to hire me? Neither of us can either find a job or find a way to live. Teacher’s salaries are hard to live on anyway, and the woman’s husband needs some form of support while she’s gone, and the supports workers have been extremely good and helpful to these folks. But for me, and my soon to be committed partner, what the hell is going to get us out of this rut? I feel ashamed of the country I live in, more interested in the barring of Muslims to Israel than the welfare of a disabled couple who might never see friends, Disney World, or national parks. We will be in a country surrounded by gun violence, a country more interested in how to make a profit than how to show compassion. I am so ashamed of this awful place, where the president we elected likes to make fun of and mock protesters, persons with disabilities, and so many more thoughtless acts. This country could end up becoming Gilead, where the Handmaid’s Tale is set, and I will make this clear: I stand for a flag that represents my personal freedom. I want the freedom to choose whether I will live in a house or a nice apartment with cats. I want to choose to get married without punishment. I want to choose the best answer wthout the best answer leading to a two hundred dollar penalty. So for example, do I get married? The answers: A. yes, B. no. The answer should be A., but the A. answer will cost me and my committed partner a $200 siphoning and more financial hardship. The B answer is a sinful answer that could get me kicked out of church after church and the kids unable to inherit things. So let us try a different question.
What do you do to earn money? And keep care services in place if you need them suddenly? A. get a job. B. Collect government benefits. C. Move in with family. The answer choices are not right or wrong, but let me explain why B. is my answer. A. would lose me the care services, a chance to live full and productive, and for those with wheelchair use or chronic pain, B. is the answer because A. would lose them their medicaid, and C. would mean abuse and too many rules, no chance to attract and keep friends and a mate. But what happens when we choose B.? We get punished, family cutting you off, family begging you to “get a life”, friends walking away and not understanding why. So no matter what answer or logical conclusion you come to, you get a punishment in financial or support things or you have to lose out on enchanting your partner, yourself, and your children. If you do the next question, be careful. Here is the next multiple choice logic question.
IF I am a person with a disability, do I A. go to church/place of worship. B. stay home. or C. Convert to a religion that accepts me for me. Again, no matter what answer you choose, you get punished in some strange way. If A., go to church, you lose out on friends for having sex outside the marriage. IF you chose B. in the prior question, the church will kick you out for not putting money on the offering plate, and then there’s the issue of LGBTQ+ kids. If your child came out to you as gay or queer or something, you would have a choice. See next question below. If you stay home and do things as a family together, and forget the place of worship, you take all the problems under choice A away, but then you get another problem. The kids need a place to socialize, to meet up with other kids with parents in the same boat, other things. And as for you and the partner, staying home means a rusty cane skills set and no social interaction and a chance to meet new people. Enter Soar Youth and Adult Choir, Denver Women’s Corus. Those kinds of activities are great, but Trenton doesn’t sing, so what activity should we do in place of worshipping at a building that doesn’t get it every Sunday? Choice C. might just be the answer, but with a catch. If I said I’m a pagan to any person in my family, they’d automatically assume a few things: that I worship Satan, that I am a wicked person, and that I commit sins and am an apostate. So really, this is a question that no matter what choices I make under this question, I have to suffer or we have to suffer.
The next question is a hard one. What alternative activities do you choose in place of worshipping in church? A. going out to eat. B. Going to the park. or C. Sleeping in. This is something I could add an all of the above to, but if I chose option C. in the last question, going to different sorts of places would work, but remember, money is an issue.
If you’d like to help me get somewhere with the honeymoon costs, please visit http://donate.denverqueen.com, and I will reinitiate the campaign to get the donations. Otherwise, contact me.