Is it worth Making Peace with Someone Who’s Known to be Abusive?

Dear readers,

I’m lost. I’m having to process a big thing that happened yesterday. I was told to let a friend know if I even want to make peace with a man I’m sure you all know has been abusive to girls with disabilities. Girls with disabilities are a protected class of individuals, myself included in this group. Girls with disabilities have a wide range of needs, wants, and safety concerns. Here are just a few:

  1. Blind and deaf girls who get raped often don’t get justice because they’re blind and deaf. Deafblind girls should be at least given the rape kit and DNA tested so the bad guy can be caught. And because she may never be able to identify the guy, he could walk free and do it again. This is a major safety concern in India and other places, but the United States is not far behind.
  2. Girls with developmental disabilities are manipulated by others to believe that their rapists were nice people, that the girls wanted the nonconsensual sexual advances, etc etc. That is always a safety concern at work. Example, the Katie Talbert story in Law and Order Special Victims Unit. Olivia Benson and Eliot Stabler confront a man who’s supposedly responsible for giving Katie “exercise time.” Well, that is actually sex, and because of Katie’s sheltered life, she finds herself unable to process sexual information to the tune of a pregnancy and a baby boy. Well, that just highlights why parents should be teaching their developmentally disabled female offspring about sex, showing them pictures of the body and such. I’ve written extensively about this, and how it should be no exception that these girls should be learning sexual advance etiquette as I’d like to call it. Consent should be a thing developmentally disabled females should be taught along with their male counterparts.
  3. All girls with disabilities who can’t move could be subject to serious violence by their families and others outside the family. If a girl is in a wheelchair and worse off, in state care, she is subject to unwanted sexual advances and custodians abusing her and not giving her the services she needs. There are plenty of characters in the book Good Kings, Bad Kings by Susan Nusbaum that perfectly capture what happens with girls who have disabilities in state care. For example, Mia, the “hot Mexican mama” that Teddy talks about in some of his narratives in the book, is only sixteen and is not given a motorized wheelchair. Mia has suffered abuse at the hands of her family, only to be almost raped by a custodian in the building. I am one who would empathize with Mia because Mia’s story is every paralyzed girl’s story. Some girls with disabilities may need attendant care, and that puts them at severe risk of being raped and so on. If the girl is not taught the proper way to handle fired caregivers, she could die or worse, be pregnant by someone associated with care. Most disabled females are taught to be pliant and obedient to caregivers, which can be a bad thing. As a lady with a disability once said at an Atlantis support group, it gets a bit awkward when care is administered in the most intimate places. Caregivers who have to steady a girl in her bath, help her with bathroom related tasks, or other things might find it easy to get her knocked up if it’s a male doing the job. Example, a case in SVU called Disabled, involving a lady named Kira who has a severe form of MS, involves a man who claims she wanted the sex and he was a bus driver no less. Kira was an opera singer, but she ended up being beaten by her sister and in a nursing home, which could have meant more abuse. The sister was envious of Kira because of her once loyal fans and singing talent but in her rough words she said, “I want her to have a taste of the regular world.” Sadly, the regular world doesn’t want people with disabilities, females especially. However, when Kira finds out that other people on the handicapped bus have been touched inappropriately by the man, Anthony Griggs, she knows to speak up for them. Though she can’t speak with her voice, is unable to move, etc., Kira understands people’s speech and mannerisms, and all that to prosecute a man who rapes a disabled woman. And he said in one instance that he didn’t feel like she was just a woman in a wheelchair. But there’s no license for any person in a disabled girl’s life to rape or abuse her, whether she can move and identify the attacker or not. There are many Anthony Griggses out there who would be more than willing to rape a few girls who can’t speak for themselves, but when Kira does her job of identifying the victim, with much effort, I believe the man will go to jail. There are a lot of angry Kiras out there who will do anything to see the men being prosecuted.

These are safety concerns that disabled females face, now I want to tell you about my own concerns.

 

  1. The man I am being asked to make peace with has a transphobic and homophobic as well as racist viewpoint of the world. He cannot really date black women, but chose to cheat on several girlfriends with a woman who had HIV. Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to do something like this. The girl who suggested I make peace with him doesn’t want me to “blast” him, but this could be outward signs of manipulative behavior.
  2. This man has also made fun of the way people who live on their own with disabilities do things. He should also never talk badly about Latino Americans, especially by calling them “beaners.” Which is worse? Being called the name I just wrote or being attacked? I say neither is worse than the other.
  3. Whether anyone believes the thing about Sabrina or not, the man I speak of should not engage with me. I could say that making peace is one thing, but I can’t talk to him or hear his voice ever again. And I wish to keep it that way. I feel unsafe talking to this guy whether with someone or alone. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t interact with his friends in a good way. He sits there watching TV and playing music, which those things alone aren’t necessarily bad, but he opens his mouth regarding race issues and doesn’t get it.
  4. He lied about my ex, and tried to turn others against me. And here he goes asking me to make peace with him. Well, if he wants it, it will happen without me talking to him or being caught up in a situation I don’t feel safe in at all.

Here are the conditions on which peace is ever made with an abuser:

  1. He doesn’t repeat behaviors he did while abusing girls and women.
  2. No more manipulation and brainwashing people and turning them against each other.
  3. Racist and homophobic/transphobic behaviors must end. Now. It is unsafe for him to talk while he still makes fun of my transgender and gay friends.
  4. No more inaccurate facts about Africans. They don’t all have HIV. IF they do, it’s their business, and I haven’t dated someone who is HIV positive. Trenton is not HIV positive, so get that out of your head, people.
  5. That thing where women are under men? Well, let’s make this guy serve women. He should spend the rest of his life serving women, giving women what they want instead of the other way around. Being racist against Asians wouldn’t matter. One more.
  6. No more psychotics and behaviors against me. If this guy is in league with people on the Internet against me, he should simply stop doing it. I won’t fall for that clever trap he’s placed. I will not fall for it.

The kind of behavior I’ve seen in guys who truly abuse women is disgusting at best. Child abusers are the same way, promising not to abuse their child, and then they turn around and do it. My own parents had done some subtle manipulation and such. So I know what that looks like. Please understand that trolls are not allowed here and if anyone wants to swat me, you’re asking for prosecution by a state district attorney and so on. I don’t put up with swats at all.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day.

Beth

Author: denverqueen

My name is Beth. I'm blind from birth and enjoy the blogging atmosphere. I am a creative person, a musician, a writer, etc. This is me. Take it or leave it.

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