Who’s Lying? #metoo and Blind Women

Dear Readers,

Last week, I completed my first choir spring retreat, and the week before, something miraculous happened. The ex that everybody seems to hate that hurt so many women and girls, known as KO, JDO among others, seems to have been locked up. WHoever tries to bail out a monster like that should think twice. First, he blames his victims and the victims are mostly minority blind women who submitted to any number of things, and Jason prefered weak minded souls. But none of the girls were weak, not even Jennifer, on whom may God and his mercy rest, not even myself. As one of 150 girls in a courtroom said to Larry Nasser, and this also applies to Jason, “Girls don’t stay little for long. They turn into strong women who will return to destroy your world.” The man had porn on his computer, both Mr. Nasser (to use his former title would be an insult) and Jason, both had problems with abusing little girls. Jason devalued the girls for their disability or should I say the plural, disabilities? HE even devalued poor Jennifer, and thankfully, the #metoo movement put a stop to many a man’s hard fist against a woman. Jason did lay a hand to former girlfriends, made them cry, manipulated us until we were completely under his control. Now he will have to sit and think about it while in solitary.

As for me, my wedding date has had to change because of finances, and unfortunately, nobody supported the October date. We need a date to commit to, but social security, lack of jobs, and finances are prohibitive of us having even the smallest gathering. Even that would be written off as a fake fairy tale in the eyes of my parents, on whom the devil rests because of their abusive and negligent guardianship. I learned that the late Marie Mannigan loved me, and left behind a husband and children. Sometimes, I wish there was something I could do to bring her back. But alas, I cannot raise the dead. Her friend Mary got in touch with me, and during a Facebook live stream, I heard about how it happened. It was sad, I won’t reveal the details here for fear that many Titusville High alums might find it offensive. But may God open the door to Marie and a graceful mansion shall await her in the Heavens, she will have a balcony on which she can float around and watch all of us, every single person she’s ever touched. Marie is with Carrie and now Stacie Fulford on whom God shows mercy even when the torment of her mental state killed her. Stacie and Marie, you are both in my prayers, your families are both in my thoughts and prayers. Walk in the way of God now, and bless me with your presence every night in bed. Reminding me of the Hansel and Gretel prayer that I ended up singing, that Charlotte Church so graciously recorded, “When at night, I go to sleep. Fourteen angels watch to keep. Two are on my right hand, two are on my left hand. …” You get the picture.

It makes me sad to see all the people I care about, who cared for me, who loved me dearly, these people are dropping like flies. Am I a curse to these people? Or are my parents wishing death on my friends? What is going on? My parents cannot wish me killed, ill, or dead. They could never try a tactic like this on Trenton either. I won’t let their cold evil spells which got them the right to abuse their powers, treat me like a burden, and isolate me; these evil spells that might have killed Stacie and Marie. Marie left with a hero’s homecoming, she surely might have saved my life from being wrecked. Mary has a home of her own, a relationship, who knows? But I have no job, no support from family, and no one will donate to the GoFundMe account that will go toward wedding expenses. 10k for a wedding, that is all I ask, 5k for fifty people at least. I want to be surrounded by well wishers, not evildoers. I lament not being able to call or speak to Marie before her death, and I’m not trying to sound superstitious, but the wrong words uttered by a warrior whether in prayer or otherwise could cause harm to another. Perhaps my parents might get something back, something that tells them that my life is precious and should not be taken from me. I want to die an old lady warm in her bed as Jack said in Titanic, Leonardo Di Caprio playing the part that went down as a love story for the ages. Caitlin Winslett and her character were meant for each other. As Rose mourned the loss of her lover, families broke apart beneath the sea. For me, that ship sank with the tragic words, “We’re gonna get guardianship so we can take care of you.” What did this all mean? What it means is, “You are not a valid person. You are less than, as inferior as the handmaids in Margaret Atwood’s book. You will die alone with no children while Danny and Tommy are showered with estates of gold and silver, their wives teeming with the choices of a boy or girl, all sent to private school.” Well, listen up, I’m not the only one who was able to see through this foolishness. Mary saw it, her friends did and so did Emily. My dear friends in Titusville should see an open door that Denver could be. That town is lost, too Conservative, haunted by the ghosts of those who’d passed.

AS Trenton tries to sleep peacefully, I am not willing to fall into sleep. IF I did, would I have dreams of death or falling? I’ve never had these nightmares, but I don’t want to be the victim of sleep paralysis for long. Nor do I want to be the victim of drugs, side effects of drugs, or lies about a mental state that is just a bunch of hogwash to make sighted superiors feel good about themselves. WEll, as for the rating the family gets for not supporting me, not giving me money for wedding expenses, not supporting my dreams instead of a market I can’t fit into you deserve a poor rating. Don’t tell me you are superior. No, you didn’t treat me like as the Turpins did to their poor children and now the adults are in jail, their kids separated into foster care for the minors and assisted living for the adult victims. You didn’t starve me, but you starved me emotionally, deprived me of individuality because I was a girl who was blind. You also wasted your pennies on private religious school, where it should be spent on orchestral lessons and not Catholic dogma. I do have good friends who are Catholic, but my experience was negative in Florida. I saw my friends in the church get married, both blind, Catholic, but they’re liberal in a lot of ways. They both have diabetes, and they manage it with loud voices that don’t take the crap from anybody. Sheltering me in Titusville will not help the situation, and I lament the loss of friends not to Mom’s fantasy threats, but to possible superstitious and evil witchcraft on the part of people who supported them. If I could reverse the damage, I’d bring back the dead ones, bring back Emily’s lost child, and I’d bring back my ex’s brother if only to tell people that they are the witches Salem won’t admit to their borders. And witchcraft in the way of warlocks is evil according to wicca, which is a pagan Celtic religion. Wicca believes in doing good, not evil, as so many might believe. But wicca rituals I have seen are similar in part to the “hoodoo” rituals that Zora Neale Hurston writes about in her books. But it’s a lot more powerful. If I could choose a faith tradition, it would be the way of the Native Americans, as they treated disabled people as one of their own. Historian Kim E. Nielsen writes that a deaf Native woman could find a partner, have and raise her own kids, and participate in spiritual society. Navajos are no exception. They would have a sing not to cure blindness, or deafness, or the inability to walk, but to combat the spirit or imbalance around that person. Sing ceremonies were common for healing, but for curing disabilities and ailments like blindness, it was not the case. In choir, we’re singing a Navajo prayer, and I hope this prayer will overpower the negative energy that my family has flashed at me like a naked body of a grown man. Father Sun, and Mother Earth, those are the natural parents of animals and humans and plants. I hope to return to as the Natives put it, to the earth, Mother Earth, when I die an old lady having fulfilled my business.


Quick Update and Sorry for the Lack of Rap Up in 2017

Dear Readers,

Writing this blog post on mobile as the Chromebook is being a jerk. Speaking of jerks, a jerk known to the blind community as K.O. Will be going down hard in court today. Why? The baby’s dead. We’re not just talking my friend Bree’s, her baby being a girl, we’re talking the other significant other’s child. THat child was in danger and she died from her injuries, after having been taken off life support. I am hoping the man known to others as JDO gets what he deserves, life in prison. Or the death penalty for killing not one, but two babies.

Another update: I may be getting a Macintosh in the middle of the year, exited much? Yes, I am, but not excited about the sticker price. $600 including tax, peripherals, keyboards and pads. Ugh. That’s almost an entire paycheck. Speaking of which, Trenton and I have had to accept that Social Security is cracking down on people who lie about their relationships. It’s either lie or don’t get enough money to live on and invest in our children. I can’t work the traditional go to the office way because of fears of harassment, and I have no intention to go to work like that because it could mean no maternity leave, no parental leave, no family time. I could end up losing my relationship with Trenton because the Arc Call Center is a factory that doesn’t quite accommodate people like it should. If I have a family, I have to have a few things: parental leave, maternal leave, and a few days off to give birth to a child. I also have to be able to take care of the child if he/she’s sick. That’s impossible to do with low wage jobs. Plus my child must have immunization. Speaking of which, …

If we do get our business off the ground, my buddy Heather recommended Kaiser Permanennte and Kaiser Health insurance because they’r cool and have tech as a way to remind you of appointments. Not that Denver Health Medicaid on’t, but I think Kaiser might work because their app works on oiceOver, will it work with TalkBack? Who knows? But a lot of apps don’t work with TalkBack as I’ve seen before I went iOS. Mac OS is the way of professional musicians, but believe me, it’ll be the best for everybody if I had one. When we get the Legal Shield business off the ground, we hope to get a Braille display as well. I’ll need one for work and Rehab won’t buy anything the consumer really wants or needs. DVR didn’t care to purchase a mac and the Howard Fund denied me. Therefore, I have to save my money and buy it. I’ve tried working with the NFB, but they’d rather buy JAWS, and I don’t associate or do business with an organization who hires a prick who bans me from a list where I met half my friends, preventing me from having a resource to turn to because of his own stupid opinions. Who knows? The blind men who are lost sexually should take a second look within themselves, and stop accusing women of “spreading rumors” about “rape.” I was isolated because of Andrews and the NFBNet administrators and could not join a conversation without criticism. I can no longer communicate with NFB members because of their judgmentality toward women, and the way they make female victims of rape look bad. I’m sorry, but female rape victims are more commonplace than you’d like to believe, and I could have been one of those. AI contraire. There are so many disabled females who are raped or obviously I fronted with sexual abuse, and many others will go against each other and try to put me away for lying. Sadly, most of the rapes, abuse, and assault are done by disabled men themselves, capable of preying on women because they don’t know how to act or behave sexually, and never learned in school. JDO is one such, never learned how to truly care about women, and he has no empathy or compassion for or attachment to others as is demonstrated by his victimization of myself, Carol, the late Jennifer, Bree, and many others. He gets around blocks on Skype, tries to threaten Bree’s husband, and worse, begs and pleads for mercy, which hopefully he won’t get. The prosecutors have to believe Bree and Alicia, the two women who were victimized in this sick game of his. While I’ going to DJ in clubs and at family events, JDO will sit in a jail cell without all th creature comforts, moaning about the death of his and Alicia’s stepdaughter. HE will likely face lethal injection for what he did to that girl. Hoping that’s what prosecutors decide. Sta tuned.

Okay, this wasn’t as quick an update as I wanted, but at least I covered a few things.


Ferry Corsten: My Story of Resilience and the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Dear Readers,

For those of you wondering, Ferry Corsten is a Dutch club DJ who produces his own stuff. I personally got plugged into his stuff when in 2006, I had just recovered from wisdom tooth surgery, February 6 being the exact day of that appointment. I was withdrawn from college, isolated from friends and those I cared about and was not allowed out of the house. So what did I do to pass the time? I started listening to trance and dance stuff, including Corsten’s music. I loved the sounds and the progressions the beats provided, even when they were slightly off key. Temporarily, when my jaw was operated on, the pitch of the world seemed to fall by a half step. Ferry’s music was among some of what was pitched down slightly, and it was me, really. But then, fastforward twenty or even ten years later, seems like twenty years from this view, and a young woman from San Diego mentioned Corsten to me in a Facebook post or two, then we zello chatted and then on Threema. THreema, for those who are total tech idiots, is a highly encrypted social media messaging platform that does not give out your phone number, messages and so on via server, only stores these and an encrypted ID on your phone. The ID consists of letters and numbers scrambled together to form a unique “ident”, to borrow a term from 3000: a Space Odyssey by a famous Arthur Clark I think. I’ve read so many books, but this Threema thing is the first step to having identifications encrypted in your body, except it’s in your smartphone.

Enough of the tech lesson, back to Ferry Corsten. MY friend, whose music and files you can check out on SoundCloud, link available upon request, is also a DJ and wants to make money entertaining folks. I see no problem or harm doing it, as I entertained people with food, music, and conversation, but that is too courtesan like in my opinion. I should be able to choose a career path that doesn’t require vision, i.e. driving. ANd club deejaying may sound unsafe, but why not? My friend is doing it, so why can’t I? I want to learn to mix, rock out, and talk to fans and reach as many people as possible. Don’t bring up CHristina Grimme because she was a YouTube star, and she was probably attractive in the eyes, something I’m not. My eyes are always closed, and I get highly offended when people ask me to open them.

So I wrote an email to Ferry Corsten’s publicist, stating I was a friend of the DJ in California and wished to thank Mr. Corsten in person while he’s doing his gig because Corsten’s music brought me hope, even if I didn’t realize it now, I am no longer in prison by a significant other or parental figures, being that my significant other is sweet and supports my aspirations, and the parental figures will be cut off if they do anything stupid and wield their guardianship, which is abusive. Guardianships for blind people are a disgrace to humankind, and should be thrown away. In Corsten’s native Netherlands, another problem has arisen, euthanizing the terminally ill. I have a friend in Holland who described a friend’s euthanizing because she had cancer, and I’m sure this friend’s former bandmate chose this, but euthanizing terminally ill people could then translate to throwing blind people into the category of undesirables. It already sort of happens in most other countries, although without the needle and liquid meds. Corsten himself has met Heather, my DJ friend in California, and knows she’s blind and can’t see. Of course, as a blind person, I was accused of being entitled to meet people I wanted, accused of being arrogant and bossy, and did not get opportunity to fix the wrongs in Florida’s highly flawed system of schools for the blind and public school mainstream accommodations. I was silenced, but no more thanks to moving out of state, finding love, and keeping my family at arm’s length. Rather, at my entire body’s length, a thousand miles away or more, my family still believes they can trump Colorado’s medical privacy laws, trump federal college privacy laws, and steal my happiness so they can be happy they made me miserable. They’re evil. For telling me I’m entitled to meet any boy band I wanted, punishing me for wanting to meet the Backstreet Boys, and sitting idly by as bullies in a private school setting smashed my dreams of becoming a singer. A pop artist in my teens, I might have never partied, but sex sells, but not with women who have disabilities. Females with disabilities are silenced because of their femininity and because of their anatomy, all invalid reasons to use the word “bossy” to apply to girls and “leader” to apply to boys. I certainly won’t accept a leader for a son, only a daughter or woman should lead because boys are becoming more and more violent in general, being disrespectful and not listening to their moms, sisters, and for the older men, their own daughters. Ferry Corsten has kids, but he’s out most of the time, but yeah, technology enables all of us to connect, check on our kids, drop in for Amazon Echoes and Alexa apps, all that stuff helps the kids realize they still have Dad around, no matter where he might be. The Backstreet Boys, for another, might all have gotten married and some might have kids and pets, wives and aunts, sisters, all that. But these men failed me, so did their management and my family. I’m done dealing with my family, and want a refreshing full circle beginning, and it begins with Ferry’s music, trance, and perhaps a career.

Thank you for supporting this blog for you who read it in 2017, and I strive to continue writing through this year and beyond, thank you for the new year’s greetings as well.


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