Since this hits home here in Colorado, being that a KYGO DJ was fired because he groped a singer’s buttocks, let’s just break this down, shall we? I want to start by addressing the proper way to address a celebrity and the proper way to address females in general.
First, you don’t grope someone in the butt. I don’t think it is a funny thing, guys, to grope a lady in the bottom during a photo shoot. It doesn’t matter who’s doing the groping and who’s doing the posing while the doer of the groping is obviously doing the groping. Yeah, sounds a bit repetitive, but that’s how I want to make this memorable enough. It doesn’t matter whether Jay-Z grabbed my ass or that guy decided to grab, God forbid, SHania Twain’s. Oh it doesn’t matter whose buttocks a man grabs, it’s wrong to do it no matter what subculture you’re from in the United States.
When Mr. Meuller grabbed Miss Swift’s butt, I think there was something dirty going through that guy’s head. While I don’t listen to much terrestrial radio much, I’m sure that Taylor Swift will make Mr. Meuller a number 1 hit for grabbing her bottom. And this is where it all leads to what I’m going to say next.
Dear Miss Swift,
My name is Beth. I live in Denver, and have been watching the story unfold about that bastardly man who grabbed your buttocks, MaAm. I’m sorry, but you don’t grab a woman’s butt no matter what status the woman has. Guess what, Taylor? I support you even writing a song about the ordeal, making it one of your famous breakup style tunes, making it a good example of why you just don’t wanna mess with Taylor Swift. I love your music, how it speaks to me and some of my exes. There is, for instance, one ex who’s just a “picture to burn” as one of your songs is titled. I’ll name him later if you’d like, but think that Christy Lee Cook did it for me, so I’ll shut up and go on. I love the way you just spit it out, telling other girls that men don’t own us, and you wrote a song about how “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.” SEriously, I knew that Jason was trouble when he walked in, and I’d be singing that song with you as a duet if possible to shame that guy into owning what he did to one of my friends, now dating a local Ohio guy.
Anyway, you probably have the public’s permission to shame Mr. Meuller, so go ahead and hit it with the best shot you have. As Pat Bennatar once said, “Fire at will.” You can fire as many shots at men in general if you’d like, and yes, I will keep my hands high up in the air for a pose with you if you’d like, and the difference here is that I’m a female, I understand your logic and how we think as women. Next time this happens to you, just repeat steps 2-4 in the following little instruction thing that might work, might not, but yeah. It’s pretty simple.
- Go to your photo opp, and watch those hands. If a man is making you feel uncomfortable, go to step 2.
- Report this immediately to someone you trust, whether it be a bodyguard or someone you love like Mom. You did that. And if things get any worse, step 3.
- Make sure you have a lawyer on hand to make it clear that sexual assault is not okay. Don’t even look the plaintiffs who filed your civil suit in the eye. Don’t worry about it really, because you know that good should usually always win. If things get worse, see below for step 4.
- Write the most embarrassing song you can about your incident, and shame the guy, even put his name in the song. See Fifteen Minutes of Shame if you are not sure how to put the guy’s name in the song in the most embarrassing way possible. You’ve written a song called Dear John, and I thought it was interesting. However, I didn’t think that was a shame kind of song. Just when you write your songs this time, make it clear that it’s your body, your life, don’t mess with me. Just go nuts and let your voice ring out like nothing else matters.
In any case, Miss Swift and others, all other women in the world, we are not objects to be groped around by men. Oh no, we’re not. You are the queen of man-shaming besides Miss Cook, so show ’em what you’re made of. And you ain’t made of play dough. *laughs ruefully.*
A fan from Denver who think this is a good song subject,
Especially for the fifteen minutes of shame.