Who is God?

So readers, if you’re a churchgoing person, read carefully. If you’re blind, read carefully. If you have SSI and have a relationship you wish to fulfill, read even more carefully. If you’re all three of those things, then read on.
I got back from Grace Community Church, where I spoke to associate pastors about what was up. I was told not to do Behold Our God devo groups. Fine, fine and dandy. But then what? Sadly, my boyfriend, Kahili, had an empathic attack when we got back to my place. He literally balled his eyes out, and rivers of salty tears poured out. The church pastors tried to reason with me about the not living with the boyfriend scenario. But again, since guardianship has damaged any and all opportunity to marry and live a regular mundane life at all, I’m seriously trying to shut them up. If they poke and pry, I’ll just have to say no. Of course, we have decided as a couple that this church may find itself not in line with the philosophy of helping others. With a complicated membership system, the church is asking that you fill out a multipage application to be a member. You must attend Gospel Centered Life Care Groups, and all that, only to find that you have to even meet with the pastor or the pastor and his wife. Then, you must take a Focus seminar. This church seriously does not believe in accepting gays and lesbians, does not even know where to start with acceptance of disabled people. Yes, I have two blind friends at this church, but there’s a problem. If Kahili wasn’t with me at the moment, he’d be sucked dry each month and not able to date me at all. We’re seriously going to leave it up to the both of us, and I say this church may be wrong. For one, the new associate pastor just added to this church’s staff said that there is a conviction that Kahili and I should not live together. Sadly, we are not going to line up with folks who do the foolish thing of thinking that we disabled adults must remain pure and dependent. I’d rather be impure and independent. That’s all. I’d rather we be able to do what we wish, take risks in life, then have to hurt even further. Kahili and I love each other to death, but we do see a need for counseling. The only thing is that counseling may cost us. So what if being a disciple of Christ costs? Well, it’ll cost me all the things a mundane Christian life entails. What is the trade off and opportunity cost? Let’s see, the trade off is don’t live with Kahili and risk being alone and attacked mentally, not have someone to hold me or talk with me during a real crisis. As a mental health system is failing all over the nation, I can’t afford to lose my sanity. The biggest cost would be ever knowing Kahili again. The cost of staying a member of this church is clear: I will be judged, Kahili will have more empathic attacks. God is watching us from a distance as Bet Middler would sing. However, my kind of God is this one:
God in my view is someone who doesn’t give a hoot about politics. Obviously, you shouldn’t do things wrong. God has a moral guiding light around him, something that not all things have. The one true Yahweh who led the Israelites from Egypt is indeed a jealous God who never gives up. But there’s something clear about the God I speak of: Yahweh knows my heart and knows what crises I’ve been through. I’ve been through enough crap. Kahili is the one I want to live with because God knows the irate females I’ve dealt with are no good. Too many females I’ve lived with up and left. I’m done. Done.
Who is the God that this church worships? Well, all of the things I spoke of are correct, except that their God is the God of dependence and purity, self loathing, absolute obedience. I will never hear of this God nor can I. Yes, there’s a certain level of obedience to God I can take. But due to mental health triggers and emotional issues regarding how I am to live my life, I’m as of right now taking the church to some level of accountability. This church, a church I valued for so long, a source of friendships and fellowships and all that, is not the church I wish to attend any longer than I should. This church endorses Republican politics which, given my circumstances, is disrespectful and offensive to the disabled community. My Kahili and I are both blind and Kahili has mild CP in his legs, one being shorter than the other. His balance, therefore is weird. He also may veer into oncoming traffic. No church will accept a blind and mentally ill or blind and physically ailing couple. We’re in a rock and a hard place. However, the pastoral staff at the Sovereign Grace church I attended for a while actually won’t listen. They’ll never even look at Kahili’s face when they even see what is happening. I’ll have to explain his empathic attack he had was a direct result of how not only I was feeling offended by that verse in Proverbs but also the way the judgment went down. God doesn’t care as much about the disabled in their minds, but as a disabled woman, I am not able to obtain friends. I’ve been pained and shamed one too many times. God is love, and all who live in love live in God. Caring for someone should never result in an empathic attack like that exhibited by Kahili. He was literally balling so hard. He ran right into my garbage can. We’re seriously going to need to rethink the whole Baptism thing, and I may have to be Baptized somewhere else. We’re both concerned about checking out other churches for fear of unaccepting people. First Mennonite church is the only one close here. So we were also thinking Christ Our Redeemer African Methodist Episcopal church. Kahili played drums at a former congregation in a Denver AME church before. So I wanted to go with what we could do. The problem with a lot of these Christian assemblies is that they don’t approve of living with a significant other, and in our case, it’s a lot more complicated.
We beg you, Denver based readers and others, to please consider coming and helping us out. Kahili and his empathic attacks are a clear sign that I can’t leave him alone. I still think church would be a great option to meet others in the community of Denver itself, but I don’t think there could be any closer churches than Grace that will accept a blind person. Selena is a friend who attends the church. I may simply have to explain. She may have to speak on my behalf to the pastoral staff and explain that the empathic attacks are important signs to check out. Kahili’s symptoms of emotional empathy are not bad things, but they are good signs that he can be deeply connected to someone. Right now, he lies asleep in my bed. I live currently in a studio, about to upgrade two times over to a two bedroom. So there you go.
Anyhow, the God these evangelical churches believe in is a God that does not care about rape survivors, rape victims, and teenagers molested by their families. Babies come first. Not even the mothers’ bodies are valued. Kahili values my body as anything else. I plan to get birth control so we don’t conceive early on in the relationship. We want to do the responsible thing and go for it. Kahili’s mom is also willing to pop over to Old Chicago to hang with us. Anyhow, the other things wrong with evangelical version of Yahweh include the stealing of disabled adults’ finances when married, unaccepting the disabled adult’s desire not to live in a bad part of the city, not realizing that guardianship is antiquated. Since when did I need that? You all are lucky I blocked some folks on Facebook, that is for sure.
Readers, if you have any comments, please feel free to comment. We’d like to thank Frijolic14 for commenting diligently on later posts.

Author: denverqueen

My name is Beth. I'm blind from birth and enjoy the blogging atmosphere. I am a creative person, a musician, a writer, etc. This is me. Take it or leave it.

One thought on “Who is God?”

  1. Again, my opinion is thus. Firstly I’m not a church going person and nor do I believe in any god. Whether we believe in any god or whether we go to church is often optional like anything. Yes counciling will cost but it’s about finding a councillor that you can trust and that’s not going to put you down about what’s right and what’s not My aunt and uncle are jahovas witnesses and normally they believe in no blood transfusions but guess what? I had blood transfusions because of my health issues and they still visited me almost every day when I was in hospital or when I was out of hospital at the accomidation As long as they don’t preach to us we’re happy whether family members or friends believe in religion if we ask them not to preach to us and just respect our wishes not to be preached to as I say family is often more important than religion as religion and politics in particular are going to start fights.

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