Recently, I lost a dear friend to bad health problems, and less recently, lost the love I shared with another to eavesdroppers. I am so sorry if it was the sound of my voice that scared anyone, but I am a few things, and I am not a few other things. Let me just state clearly who I am, my personality, etc. Please read with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t call me names such as liar, pathological liar, psychosis, etc. I am nobody’s walking psychosis.
First, I’m NOT a master manipulator, and I do not give phone numbers to people, even if you held a gun to my head and asked me to give you my mom’s or dad’s number so they could tell my parents I’m a messed up person, that is not the purpose of my parents. They cared once for me, but they are not providing. I give my parents credit for realizing that I have this whole tragic episode under control. For this, I’m proud that they are letting go. But here’s where the thing gets tricky:
I’m nervous as all Hell, and I’m sorry about this. My latest ex is a sweetheart, honestly. I have a small note to say. I know you might get teary eyed, but read this and listen with your heart.
I am for real a loyal friend, a dedicated partner to anyone who wants me as their partner so long as they can handle this, and I will never stop loving the men in my life who truly cared, but above all, Jesus saved my life for Heaven’s sake.
I am NOT a liar. I wasn’t lying about the painful memories sparked by someone being rrude to a nurse, I was surely sorry for the nurse because she was only trying to straighten the road to independence. I love her, and I love all the nurses in the world because they are the ones who try and make you take meds even when you don’t want to, and I’ll just name one lady I remember. Let’s call her Julie.
Julie got this one patient to take his meds, he refused with anyone else. Nurses like this one dude Bill, a guy I worked with at Parrish Med in Titusville, now those nurses are amazing. We must salute all our nurses, both physical and psych and all. So let’s try and be respectful to the nurses, all the ones who help people we know. Now, here’s another part of me you guys might not understand.
I could never understand myself. I don’t know what makes me tick, but who cares. I want to be at the top of my game. If I recover from this stuff, the death of Weaver more than anything, I will be happy to take back the love I gained, what must not be lost. I don’t want any more tragic endings and drama in my life. I’m done with soap operas, which in some cases, it should be about soap. Not couples splitting up and falling in love etc. I hate soap operas, and if you wanna know the truth, I would laugh at the next bubbles of soap with sopranos singing Viverdi’s the Drinking Song. It’s a classic from La Traviata. It’s amazing.
Well, I will say another thing: I am weird. I am very weird in great ways, I can make people laugh. I can smile and yes, I was encouraged to stay alive with the help of my friends. I’m sorry if I tried to harm anyone. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I want my heart to be in the right place.
Here’s the deal: I haven’t met so many of you readers in the flesh, with the exception of one or a few. But I will not date anyone with flesh and blood only online. I will not meet another man, and I will not let any but the last in the door. I will always have the door open, always have this in mind. I don’t want this to be bad. I just want to be accepted and loved for me, for me and only for the good things about me, well, maybe not.
God made us all imperfect in our thoughts, words, and deeds. Do not blame Eve here. So what if a snake tempted Eve to eat fruit of knowledge of good and evil? Who cares? I did not eat any forbidden fruit here, and if you place the last boyfriends I have had in said Garden of Eden, I would kill the damn snake with a cane. Snakes? I will not allow them in my garden, even in real life.
Another thing, I’m not afraid of snakes. My mom, however, is someone you can’t even show snakes on TV to. It’s like, Mom, close your eyes. She goes, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH” a snake pops up on the TV screen, and we have to calm the poor old woman down.
She is so afraid of snakes, so afraid of snakes that I can’t even think about taking Mom to the Everglades for a visit, or something lik a snake farm. No way.
Which leads me to somthing else. I am a considerate person. I am very considerate. Extremely considerate to the point where I’m trying to save face. I don’t know my current recent friend’s family. I love my friends, and I don’t hurt people.
This leads me to say that I will not have suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, etc. I’ve never want to kill anybody at all.
Also, remember the myths and facts about mental illness? I have a little rant to say about it now.
What frustrates me about life is that drivers never show up, doctors can’t shape up their handwriting, which leads the pharmacist not to wake up and smell the coffee. But as far as the doc goes, the doc is not gonna prescribe me weird meds that make me have funny tics if I can help it. I’ll be honest, trileptol is not safe enough for all patients, and mood stabilizers themselves are notorious for slowing down the brain.
Atypical antipsychotics are not good for weight and stuff, prolactin levels are bad with some. I have a few words to say to anyone who thinks meds are bad, they are chemical compounds used to balance things in the brain. The illness I have is evil, evil and stuff, but it is not caused by innate evil at birth. Now, I’m alone here writing my blog entry.
I am sorry for sinning gravely against you, your family, and friends. I will be hopefully okay in a couple of weeks, maybe we can track the number of times you feel concerned about me. I’ll raise my meds dose. I feel stuck, stuck in 2006 remembering bad things, I want to move forward. I want freedom for this world I live in, but oh well, I don’t have that.
Friend, I implore you to listen to the story of my whole life before I go weird. Now, the real ranting I made earlier reminds me of how bad drivers really are. … Hahahahahahaha.