It has been brought to my attention through the experiences of many of my blind and disabled friends and older teachers I’ve worked with for life that marriage is not essential, or it has no value at all, or someone can leave a person due to illness if they just can’t live with it. All the counseling in the world, according to one person I spoke with today, won’t stop a person from deciding to leave. While this is true, it defies God. God made man, God made love. Love and marriage should be a covenant with God and the couple for life. Here are some examples of good couples who’ve both defied and accepted the covenant.
Let’s start with my friends from church. There’s a couple called the Robles, who have recently written a book about their experience with illness. Michael and Margaret Roble got married so long ago, and took the Covenant of Marriage in the Christian sense. They promised each other a lifetime of love and loyalty. They then found out that Margaret had an illness, pain and all. Did Michael leave Margaret because of her illness? He easily could’ve said, “I’m a sex man. I would like to leave the wife who can’t.” But no, his choice was to stay with her and find strength in God’s word. He and Margaret are still together. Up until the day one of them dies, they will still be together. That, my friends, is example number one.
Example number two centers around a bride and groom that had a problem. Let’s just say that Blake’s biological parents had him, right? Kathy and her then hubby Michael had a baby boy. The boy was sick, cost lots of money to make well, and then Michael had a choice. Before then, he and Kathy took the same Covenant. They got married so they had to have taken each other for life. Right? No. They split up after Blake’s birth due to the possible burdens that followed. Kathy, however, was devoted enough to take care of her son, who is now the love of my life.
Here’s another example of a better couple. While the Robles defined marriage, the Norris family … I mean, Kathy and her then husband Michael, defied marriage at its best. Illness and disabled children are both common causes of divorce. Mike and Margaret care for each other even in the face of Margaret’s illness. The difference is that the two of them, the Robles, are Christians who find a center point. God is their center, grounding them and helping them stay together. God tells us in his Word that marriage is nothing to play with. Unfaithfulness is obviously part of what not to do in Moses and God’s commandments. So why do people do this sort of thing? Yes, mental illness is a challenge, but is no excuse for leaving. Just because I have a mental issue does not make it ok for Blake to sit there and sleep with girls at a bar. He would never do this, though I catch him joking about friends of mine or beautiful girls he hangs out with. Sometimes I wonder where his brain is, but that’s a different post for a different day.
Here’s another example of a good marriage. Kathy, our same lady who had the problem before, raised her son, but because Blake was adopted by another man, he almost never saw his bio dad if not for the fact that Michael wanted to see his son. Right? So then, the man Kathy married next walked out on her. But then, she said, “I will never marry again for a while.” Good move on her part because predators and money stealing idiots are everywhere, and I think any mother would not want a disabled child and other children in her house to have to deal with a preying man. Well, now, about 25 years later, she found the love of her life. In the face of the death of her second son, with whom she had by the second husband, her current husband is like, “I’m with you all the way.” They go to counseling appointments together, they go out together, do everything together. And who knows when one may go? Their marriage is a block of cement. It’s forever. Their love is forever, and it is ok. Joe has a deep attachment to Blake, which totally is the coolest thing on Earth.
I’ve seen premarital relationships go down the tubes so many times of course. The blind community thinks that marriage is just a fairy tale and can happen in a day. Well, the friend I spoke to has not seen what Jason said and did and tried to do to me. Jason’s mother has no idea what sort of hell he put all the women he was with through. The Marriage Covenant was never respected by these Millennials.
I’ve seen even sighted friends who got divorced. I had a friend called C. She had a husband and a daughter premaritally. The premarital child was ok, her name, G.A.W. Well, G. for short. C. and G. lived in a little house in my old hometown. C. married L., a guy who turned abusive behind closed doors. He did not respect his wife, so guess what? The marriage ended. But there are more divorce cases I can throw out there.
Sometimes divorces happen because the people think they can just get out of a relationship. Maybe they don’t like the way the person picks their boogers, maybe they don’t like the way the dresses look on them, or their boobs aren’t big enough. Or worse, a disabled child, an autistic child, etc. Well, parents of autistic children should know this: the child is not the problem. The parents are. When you have a disabled child or a disabling illness like Margaret Roble’s, there should be no question as to what to do. Part of the marriage vows say that you must stay with the bride or groom “in sickness and in health” and “in rich or poor” “for better for worse.” Why has this gotten misused? Why have the vows been misguided attempts for people to leave their parents? Yes, God says that one should leave his mom and dad and join the bride or groom in marriage, but there’s always that possibility that a disabled child or parent figure can tear apart the family. It wasn’t Blake’s birth that caused the family to fall apart, not initially. It was the man’s choice, and his father eventually had a good relationship with his son. I applaud both parents for at least making an effort for Blake’s life to be as good and happy as possible, but there’s something missing for Blake: he has found his true love. Maybe he hasn’t, but I have a feeling in god’s eyes that will change.
There is a girl I know, my good friend Ashley. Ashley has been cheated on so many times, and it is all because of the Blind young people’s misguided attempts to get married young. Some churches are telling millennials to get married young. That isn’t possible or feasible in some ways. Blind adults are not often taught skills that marriage requires: love, compassion, empathy for your partner. I’m sorry, but most of the divorces occurred due to the just plain “I don’t like him.” Or the plain old “She’s a bad wife and doesn’t give me the good sex I want.” I would never refuse Blake’s affections, and I will never do so till the day I drop dead. That’s what marriage and love are about. You share affection with someone, and that in itself can’t be taught. Ashley herself is among many blind females I spoke of in a previous post that has experienced it all, and yet guys think it ok to cheat on Ashley. I have another friend named Kayla, and she’s found her love. It took a bit of poking and prodding, but Max is the one her heart desires and he’s getting her.
Blake and I have been together for two years. However, many disabled people find themselves ending relationships after a month. The shortest I had was two weeks. I ended things with Richard after two weeks because he failed communications with me. We found each other on Craig’s List. Ugh, I’m not doing that again. In fact, I don’t use Craig’s List for any personals or items for sale. Not at all.
Anyhow, the longest relationships were Blake for two years, and Deq Ahmed for about eighteen months. Blake and I are inching close to May, our anniversary month, and we’re excited. Kathy and Joe are doing fine, and I hope that nobody will think it a good excuse for Blake to leave me because I wrote this. The purpose of this post was to show some people a good and bad example of what marriage is.
Now, let me define marriage. Some of you may not agree, but here it is:
Marriage is the love and affection shared between two partners in a lifetime commitment, and it includes the right to mate, have children, and for a heterosexual relationship that is true. It also includes a lot of love and patience, empathy, Godly love and Godly strength. The current millennial definition of marriage is this: it is a committed relationship with all the same things, but there’s a cost. IF one partner is mentally ill, the other can value the ill person less. It’s just a fairy tale thing, happily ever after and that doesn’t exist. I don’t think any happily ever after ending could make that definition of marriage I speak of. Blake and I will never be happy for the rest of our lives. Neither are my own parents. They’re married. My mom and dad are upholding the Catholic teachings that state, along with any Christian church, that marriage is about a covenant. And it is for life.
So Where is there an excuse to leave your spouse on the grounds that the spouse is too much to take care of? Well, there is none. And my definition and God’s definition of marriage is something that includes love and affection. I’ll do a part 2 of this post about child brides. But here’s what I’m about to say regarding this: child marriage is not a good idea. Arranged marriages are not a good idea if you don’t love that guy or girl. Marriage must include love and affection and intense affection at best. That is how I feel for Blake, and that is how my mom feels for Dad, my grandmothers feel for the grandfathers. I’ll go ahead and use another example before I close the post.
John Moore’s grandparents were a good marriage match. They had faced a lot together, including the joys of childbirth, birthdays, weddings, etc. When the wife got Alzheimer’s Disease, which means having memory loss and plaque in the brain, ewww, the man said, “I’m staying with her.” I applaud John’s grandpa for staying with his late wife until she died of the complications due to the disease. I plan to think about what I want out of mine and Blake’s relationship. For one, we have a lot of love and affections. We share our secrets. I’ve confessed to Blake so much of my secrets I can’t explain. Blake is furious and wowed by some of those secrets. Blake is wonderful, and he’s been there from the get go. I guess God made it much easier on us, and then sometimes hard. Nobody realizes that there is no excuse to leave a person on the basis of mental illness. IF our son or daughter hears voices, Blake and I have no choice. God has put the voices there to challenge us. This is as I say only an example.
I’ll do part 2 on another day.
Thank you all for reading patiently and being thoughtful.