Revelations

I was in a car with a lady studying to be a psychotherapist, and suddenly realized how much I have it good here compared with the way it was in Florida. Sadly, my family wouldn’t have approved of me writing this and other things. After I left Florida, I swore to myself I wouldn’t allow my family to get in to my business. I had already used Skype to talk to other people. I had met blind people. However, it was an internet contact that said I needed Colorado Center training. It was Colorado Center’s ability to allow me to have relationships that would ultimately open the door for me and Blake and me and Deq and all that stuff. It was the CCB that would train me to cook, and now I can cook many different recipes and improvise in the kitchen.
To be honest, I love my life here compared to the life I had before. It is better, not so much because of the snow or the buses. It’s all because I’m in charge. Take charge with confidence and self-reliance! I don’t know why I think about this slogan, and now it comes as a big surprise that nobody in the CCB has any idea what is going on. As a MHCD patient, I have to go to a therapist at least once every two weeks, but now I have an hour session. Thirty minutes is not enough for every two weeks. I’d rather it be an hour especially because there’s no way I can do a group. I’m not sure I like group therapy because I’m not stupid, antisocial, or anything like that. Sadly, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be in Titusville’s “Circles of care”. Well, it’s in Melbourne, Florida, but it’s a hospital that just drugs you up.
I’m not one to talk about my past, but it was because of badly done counseling that I had a nervous breakdown. I do not trust the doctors and counselors I had back in that rural outpost in Titusville. I did not get the supports I needed. This includes blind and mentally ill friends, or blind friends or mentally ill patients with disabilities. Not until I found the Groups Io list that my friend Sam has put together. I just want to say if not for Sam, I would not be able to voice my opinion and be able to talk about the real problems at places like LaAmistad in Florida and other Behavioral Care units that do not accommodate the blind. I’d be damned if I ever went back to LaAmistad again. The place had strict HIPA rules, and then they wouldn’t allow me to really have friends or relationships with patients. Women rode with women and men rode with men to the different places. People just did not have any idea what I was feeling, and there was a ten foot of fifteen foot rule between myself and another guy. LaAmistad did not comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act, and my parents did not even care. they just picked the place because a caseworker and my cousin both recommended it. My parents wanted me whipped to their standards, not helped and healed. They had no definition of “healing” that supported blindness training. Well, they didn’t even give me a blessing to go here. Well, now I am further along in my spiritual journey than I ever have, and I feel better about doing things. I make all my appointments, I do all the bookings, and Blake is encouraging to me and it really helps that he cares about me. Not just that, but friends like Bethany and Elizabeth care. God put these people in my life for a reason.
The revelations I experienced were that the support or lack thereof that I got in Florida was only a tool for emotional abuse. I wasn’t fond of the way this went. I was forced to have a one way ticket to Hell, and my parents wanted things their way. All the time, when I told my counselor something I didn’t like, my parents just didn’t get it. Here’s an example or two:
We watched the Matrix as a family. While I think that’s violent, my brothers got a big kick out of it. Two against one? Huh. Well, it didn’t pan out with me because it was too violent and there were some weird stuff in there. All this violence in all the Matrix movies only reminds us of how violent this world actually is. The Matrix is a weird movie that could put others in this weird sense of a parallel universe where a machine tells you everything. I don’t believe any of that crap.
So I told the counselor I had at the time that I do not wish to watch R-rated movies, even if I was old enough. But I also had a problem with the violence and the weirdness of it all. Terminator 3 was ok, but still too violent and action packed. I hate action movies myself, and here I was, sitting in the family room watching all this garbage.
Another example had to do with a wedding I had to attend in 2007. I told the psychologist I hated the idea of leaving for a wedding of for one, someone I had no business talking to and for another, a family member I didn’t want to know. I also had college classes to take, and could not take a whole week off for this wedding. I enrolled for a summer math class, and only to have to double up on work one week, which exhausted the crap out of me. My family didn’t seem to care, and I had to go. I don’t think I’ll ever go to weddings any more because of that one. For one, the day in Cohassett was cold enough to make it look more like a spring or something like the British Isles. It had no warmth to it. For another, my ears rang like bells when I got back to my hotel room. For a third thing, I really wished I was the one getting married, and that Jonathan, my dad’s cousin, wasn’t. I don’t think it really mattered to me who Jonathan was, and I know that Kristin was a sweet person, but I really felt sick deep down. I felt like I was gonna explode all over the place. A week! Away from college, and yet Danny gets everything. I had to sleep with a brother. Either that or in a bed near my parents. Ugh. Well, I’m the girl, right? So I should’ve had the privacy, but no. I didn’t.
The counselors didn’t even take my needs into consideration. What if the brothers had sexually molested or abused me? This could happen, but thank God it didn’t. I praise God every day these days for not having allowed this to happen because had I been pregnant by the brothers or anything else, my parents would have aborted the child or made me give him or her up. They would have also taken all my body parts out, made it impossible for me to bless a husband with a child. I thought this could happen at one point, and I won’t let it happen. Not till I have two kids, they are alive, and we can work it out. Whoever the husband is has to understand that a big family is not feasible. As a blind woman, I want a small family. I can’t afford nine kids like my poor aunt. God, please. I just want a small family, a family of my own, a family that supports and cares and understands. That is the real definition of family. I pray for at this moment all of the families out there with unbelieving people in them. Like, for instance, my own and Blake’s. We heard a great sermon at church today. Now that Grace is able to do sermons again and the snow actually left us, praise God, Glynn and Keith had us doing all sorts of stuff. Keith preached, and it made a light bulb go off. When Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, was mentioned five times in the flow of the chapter of Exodus we read today, I thought of Kathy. I thought of her, and how one day, somehow in my mind, she might see how much my character overshadows the doubts she’s had. Jethro and Zipporah had the same issue. Zipporrah,Moses’ wife, was Midian. Her dad was a high priest. Jethro was willing to give his daughter to Moses because he saw something in him that others wouldn’t. Even when the Midianites were foes of the Israelites, the high priest of Midian, struck by what God did for his son-in-law, bowed to the God of the Hebrews. I pray every day that the Jethros of the world find favor with God and find that God wants them either to come to him or back to him. I hate to compare a lady to a man and there are two different situations, but I will never stop taking care to pray for the families that fall before God or are persecuted. We prayed for the ones in Syria being persecuted due to belief in Christ. ISIS has a problem with Christ, and soon if they don’t realize that Jesus Christ is Lord, not Muhammad, they will find themselves in deep trouble. ISIS members have been recently shown in videos destroying ancient statues. Ugh. What will we know of Iraq’s ancient cultures? It was before civilization began that we thought we’d have to keep the Gods happy. Now, one god came to change them all. It was the Hebrew god Yahweh, the same God who bore Christ by Mary, the same God who now brings Jethro and Moses together. Moses named his two sons according to the stages of his life. Gershom and Eliezer were the boys’ names, and thank God they came back to Moses. It was a great reunion, and Keith’s preaching got me thinking. Yes, it is dangerous when Beth is thinking about stuff. I do wish that someone would tell me what I’m thinking. …
Beth

Author: denverqueen

My name is Beth. I'm blind from birth and enjoy the blogging atmosphere. I am a creative person, a musician, a writer, etc. This is me. Take it or leave it.

8 thoughts on “Revelations”

  1. Beth, I can tell you of 2 instances where I felt out of place as far as behavioural modifications I had are concerned.
    First, I was constantly in trouble at school when I was in year 10 and I was constantly being suspended from school and besides I still had anger management issues at the time.

    I was encouraged to do the walk the talk program which was provided by an organization in the region I live called nesay.(North East support and action for youth).
    Thing about that is and I’m still angry I had to go through all that was that I didn’t fit the mold.
    In other words, I was well behaved at the group but I wasn’t well behaved at school so I felt I was forced to go and if I didn’t go I missed out on extra curricular activities.
    I couldn’t give 2 fucks about r. Scott and what he’s up to now he was a deputy principle who singled me out if I was bullied and the school did nothing.

    Second time I felt like I didn’t want to go through any treatment ws when I had to see a councillor of the hospital’s choosing.

    When I was on kidney dialysis we had a patient who was in his 30’s and he wasn’t exactly well liked.
    I was told he was transferred from the Wodonga hospital’s dialysis unit because it was full but I think there’s more to it than that I reckon he was transferred because of his poor behaviour.

    Anyway, one instance he really let fly was with what I was listening to and I know the sensible thing was to have headphones but I didn’t think about that at the time because I had a lot going on for me that week.

    He said to a nurse and I quote “tell kyle to stop listening to whatever he’s listening to I can’t stand this shit” so I exploded and said some pretty vile things to him like that he should go back to the aboriginal camp where he and his mother belongs.
    Now I was upset as my grandfather at the time was close to death as he’d had a massive stroke that previous sunday and never regained consciousness so it’s probably understandable I was angry and upset and who could blame me for letting fly at this said patient?

    Now back to why I didn’t feel I needed counciling or, why I didn’t have the opportunity to choose the councillor I wanted to see.

    ight be just a trivial issue but morning tea was being served at the dialysis unit one morning, Saturday December 2nd 2006 to be exact, this patient troy complained that he received his morning tea last and why was he always last
    I tried to add that it didn’t matter whether you were first last or in the middle be grateful for getting your food and drink but I was told to stay out of it.
    I got so angry and spat at this guy twice after he had a go at me for trying to calm things down but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when he got off his chair and slapped me for saying that he’d had sex with his mother which is a nasty thing to say but I never liked his outbursts anyway.

    I was made to sign a contract that I wouldn’t misbehave on hospital grounds again or I would be evicted.
    I inically refused because troy was the one who was evicted for his bad behaviour and I’d done nothing for a contract to be inforced upon me.

    The councillor I did see I couldn’t understand half of what he was trying to suggest so I went elsewhere.

    I found out later that this councillor was a bit of a feeler as it was his computer we were trying to fix when I did work experience for 4 days in feburary 2012 so now you know why I often walk on eggshells and fear rejection because I am worried my anger problems are going to return and if they return I’m probably going to be more powerful the older I am.

    Now you also know why I hold my emotions inside of me because sometimes I don’t always know my own emotions nor my self control.
    I try to keep my self control because I fear losing it.

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  2. I loved your response beth,
    As I say it’s easier said than done as far as hugs go but I don’t mean it’s difficult to give somebody a hug by any means.
    I’m often selective as to who I hug and who hugs me.

    I suppose it doesn’t matter if said woman is in a relationship or not but a hug is often seen as friendly and very casual where cuddling is more intimate.
    I’m not entirely sure if this is correct but I’m looking for a woman that will let me back up my theory.

    It’s like the issue of holding hands has its own issues.

    These things aren’t okay in any normal situation but if you’re upset and seeking comfort it’s okay I guess.

    Though I do question if holding hands with somebody can be a factor in a relationship breakup or whether that’s just an unfounded theory I have and I was probably unnecessarily worried about nothing.

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  3. Thanks beth I’m glad you like my comments although you can tell me if you get sick of me going on about the past I know I’ve got to try and comment based on what’s in the present but often times there are things in life we struggle to be able to forget in a hurry.

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  4. Thanks beth I just feel I sometimes go on about the same old thing though. at some stage I’m going to repost a couple of posts that I put up before I got the posts to automatically post to twitter.

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    1. Don’t worry about it. You’re fine. Right now, thinking about what I’m going to do for dinner. Likely going to make chicken cordon bleu. But there’s not much in the fridge because food is food you know.

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