A Few Things I Can Remember and Things About Me You Should Know

Dear Readers, I’ll never forget the loss of dignity I experienced when my mother said, in a threatening manner, not even regarding the fact that I was a person who had a right to feel the way I did, “Forget about Orien and I won’t go up on the meds.” Medications and threats of chemical restraint was eminent in the home while I lived there. It reminds me of stuff that Blake told me, stuff I can’t cover here. I want to make one thing clear: I’m not snotty. What? I’m not. I am a person, and as a disabled woman, I find it hard to live in the world. Please if you may, go to the Jacobus tenBroek Law Symposium agenda for this year, and read the theme. We’re disabled, Blake and I, and we have a right to live in this world. We have a right to basic things such as the right to freedom of movement, which was denied me so many times. Both of us can cook, clean, manage a home. We worked hard for the money, so we won’t have it taken from us because we’re disabled. When I was told that Blake’s spiritual health could be in some way affected by some of the tragic events of last year, I felt like a memory and a bit of a mini flashback surfaced, a memory of my mother’s words. I pulled them out into my little mental screen: “Forget about love and I won’t make you take a higher dose of medication.” At nineteen! Well, even with guardianship, it allowed chemical restraint to occur. As I am someone who does not believe that chemicals are a good idea, the only reason I’d chemically restrain someone in my family is the following: sexual offenses, criminal drunken or drugged behavior, and wild mental illness such as schizophrenia and things, tendencies to wish to kill somebody, or in the extreme, abuse toward a spouse or children that cannot be contained unless chemicals are used. For the sexual offenses, I would never, ever want a male running around and preying on kids. Therefore, even if it were an uncle, my own child, etc., I’d get the guardianship of that person, then put them under chemical castration. Sounds weird, but that happens to men who are serial rapists and predators and so on. They are treated in this manner, and if they are caught wanting to do things with kids, they get an up dose in the castration meds. Oops. Well, you can’t tell me or Blake to stop making each other happy. We can’t stop loving each other, and in this way, restraining him or myself is a felony. I’m free of my parents, almost, but poor poor Nick. I must say, he is probably being restrained unnecessarily. IF anyone in my circle is falsely imprisoned, including myself or Nick or Blake or even my dear friend Haley, who is the sweetest person in the world, I would say press charges of felony false imprisonment. This is something I can’t even get done to the attacker. My personal character could have been compromised, and I’ll just say one thing regarding those incidents Over the past week. It’s been a rough week, and I need help, friends, prayer, and encouragement. At least I took a shower this morning, I went to work, and had a hundred page document to file and remove tractor feeds for. My boss was great, but I forgot about what was supposed to be separated. Oops. Then, oh the joys of computers. We had a router problem, and it happened just twenty minutes before I was to leave. I had to leave due to the fact that the computer and internet was not working properly, and now I have projects I have to do over all again. Ugh! I was going to do links to searches I would do for price comparisons on items the boss needed, and he put me in charge of it. Well, after the recent stuff, I could barely touch the keys. I was sitting at my desk, the stuff running through my head, and the court’s verdict was no comfort to me or anyone in the same situation. I am trying to get through all this with grace and dignity, but I want to see Blake for Valentine’s Day. I know, Mom, you are concerned that he has the same issue that your lost son had, but it’s a different angle. One note for my friends in Camp Verde, I love you all, and all we need to do is stand with each other and help Blake with what he may need in times of crisis. He has spiritual wants and desires like all of us. Blake has a dream of moving here, and that dream will be true one day. Well, it could come true sooner rather than later. I’ve already worked with him on what to do. I have a prayer I will write in the bottom of the blog entry for a few minutes. No, a few lines. Let me say though, those awful and humiliating words don’t leave my head. What if I were in Florida and my poor mother, embezzling my thoughts like leftovers in a pot, extorting love and emotions like it’s garbage, says, “Forget about Blake and I won’t make you take a huge dose of medication.” Just take that same thing she said about Orien and replace it with Blake’s name. Oh, … God, I know you made me the way I am, but restraints with chemicals are not necessary. When I went down on medications, I found that my womanly mark returned. Yeah, it means a mess on the chairs, laundry, stuff on the back of one’s skirt and so on, but it’s better than worrying if you’re 28 and already going to be 80 or 40 years old, and worrying if your body is broken already due to fat and stuff. Ugh! The doctors tested my blood and found sugar in the urine sample they had, and those docs said, “Prediabetes.” Really? I don’t believe it, and I think the extreme and undue adverse feelings I had after my attacks and all the work I had to put into getting some situations taken care of caused the undue illness which led to me canceling my last show. Wow. Let me say this, I won’t write exactly why the words I am remembering are fresh in my mind. Just because you live with someone doesn’t mean they will own you. I don’t want to live with anyone but Blake and our offspring, should we have any at all. Let me also say this: I don’t think that God is happy with some of the stuff that we’re going through. I wrote this poem about a crucifixion. Writing such a poem should not be illegal, right? IS it right to write my opinions, my feelings, in a blog? What the heck is wrong with me expressing freely the fact that such attacks made me feel like I was dead for three days, ill for another, and Blake was the only protector I had from the sting of Hell. I want to go ahead and lift my friends in Camp Verde up in prayer, right about now. For Kathy, I lift you in prayer. God, please come to her. Reveal yourself to her in ways she can understand. Speak to her, however you feel it should be done is how it will be done. Lord, Kathy needs you as much as I do too. Lord, Blake adores you, so protect Blake from any separations from you. Protect Kathy from temptation, and I will say this much too. Please, reveal my true self to her as well. I’m lifting my new friend Pattie, my Blake’s “one true Pattie” up in prayer too. Give her the wisdom to know the way to help all of us involved in the situations we’re in. Lord, please help Kathy in all ways. Shower her with your love and peace, let her know that I do not possess your son, dear one. Why am I saying this! Continue to give her the strength to grieve her lost son, and with Chad at your side, give her the peace of mind to know that Blake is in good hands with me every time he goes. Blake wants to be with me, so Lord, help her to see the things she cannot change such as feelings, emotions, things he will and can do, and help her to see the things she can change such as her own problems. Let me help her, and let us help each other. God, I feel sometimes like no one is listening to me, and I am being threatened with forfeiture of “privileges” on the Faith-talk list for NFB Net. I was recently threatened because of the attacks I suffered just for helping my dear friend Nick. I feel like nobody cares, and nobody wants to talk about it with me, and because some other people post rude comments to me, I want your help. You are the only one who can help me, Lord. Help us all please. I praise you for the sky, the dawn, the sun, and Blake’s laugh, Kathy’s sweet voice over the phone when I accidentally called her like twice. Lord, I want you to use Kathy and Blake for good things, and help us all survive this tumultuous time in our lives. Lord, as Mary said, your will be done. I am the handmaiden of the Lord, may it be done according to your will. Amen.

Author: denverqueen

My name is Beth. I'm blind from birth and enjoy the blogging atmosphere. I am a creative person, a musician, a writer, etc. This is me. Take it or leave it.

One thought on “A Few Things I Can Remember and Things About Me You Should Know”

  1. I still remember things from the past I have trouble forgetting. For instance, when I was on dialysis I used to take a drink bottle with cordial in it to drink when I had morning tea at the hospital. One day I was told that I was using my drink bottle as a dummy when I was drinking which my parents and I found disheartening. I was also told that my touchy feely behaviour might make me out to be a dirty old man and no woman would have me later in life for me to be in a relationship with but my parents being told that they would have to tag along to a date so they could sho me where to put my hands if I’m with a woman is still one thing I refuse to forget about because the visiting teacher in question I don’t believe she had a clue about blindness which is probably predictable as she was from the education department How do you think a child of about 4 years of age would feel having to hear something like that? It’s disgusting and makes them more anxious that they will be believed later And here’s the real clincher. I was dealing with some clinical depression back in 2004 and had to spend the week away from school which I got into trouble for but I said I had no control over it. I was at a community radio workshop with young people from a couple of different schools and my visiting teacher happened to come up to see what it was we were doing and she happened to say that a councillor I was seeing had left her post as a councillor. I was told I made this councillor have a nervous breakdown which was a lie and even 11 years on I still feel responsible for that as it was what I was told so I try and stay aware of what I do and it’s why I’m constantly apologetic

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