Ten Things I Like and Don’t Like About My Current Life/Relationships

Dear Diary,
After looking through my entries from the past God knows how many days, I’ve decided to come out and be honest about what’s going on: Blake and I had a fight. But I’m really mad that Blake just sits there and throws me off the phone after I try and be with him for a while. I told him I needed him, and he goes, “See ya.” What? For reals? After I spend a second on the phone with you after a group call with friends? I am afraid of losing you to someone like, uh, N.C. or some one else who could be in Arizona. Miss Arizona could be blonde, pretty, and skinny as hell. She could be a dancer, model, or singer, and she could attract Blake with her good looks and sweet sounding, practically sick sounding, voice. I don’t want to hear such a devilish sound from a blonde lady. I hate blonde men already because of Jason Lawrence. I would never date a pure Caucasian guy because all of the ones in my hometown rejected me. I’m not saying I’m racist, but I’ve had it with all those sadistic men on my plane, my personal love plane, throwing me around and saying that I’m not included for ever.
Well, Blake got into a fight with me about going out with friends, and he says he’s envious. Well, Blake, here’s what I’m jealous of: you have a brother who cared about you for once. I had two who didn’t. I don’t know what is worse, a brother who wears ties, thinks he can buy his girlfriend flowers, and gold, or someone who plays the guitar of all instruments and can go places with others. Chad went to Australia for heaven’s sakes, and I actually had a memory of someone in Australia. Chris West.
Yes, Chris West was a pretty ok guy, he was sweet in some ways, but there were a lot of things I hated about Chris. Things like his accusations and allegations of harassment and the “flowery words” he so hated about me. Here are ten things, though, I hate about my life, and ten things I like about it.

Ten Things I Hate About Me

1. I’m fat.
2. I’m probably more ill than I realized.
3. I am incapacitated of most of my civil rights.
4. Guys hate me.
5. I can’t go out anywhere because I don’t have much money.
6. Rehab sucks.
7. Getting a job is not as easy as you think: apply, interview, and go.
8. I personally hate when my family wants me down for Christmas, but I don’t know for sure that they’re going to do what they say they’re gonna do. They said I could grow up and live a life, but still, they ask for my lab results so they can skew it to their side.
9. Nobody wants to be a partner to me. Is Blake going to do this? Is he really important to me? Am I important to me?
10. Blindness in so many people’s eyes is not respectable, and I’m not saying it’s not respectable for me.

Ten Things I Like About Me
And I’m going to put these things in order from ten to one
\10. Denver is a good city with lots of disabled apartment complexes for the disabled and stuff.
9. I have a lot of friends who support what I want to do with … number 1.
8. I find solace in watching the Broncos win football games.
7. When I think about people like Kathy and what she’s going through, it reminds me I am sympathetic and empathetic toward others.
6. I have hopes and dreams, like everyone else does, and want so badly to pursue such things.
5. I love food.
4. I wish I could be in Arizona right now, and trust me, I’d do anything to be with … my number 1 man.
3. I love books, and reading is a good activity I use to fill my mind with questions about stuff.
2. Music is a big thing for me. Like Blake’s brother was, I am a musician. I don’t know if Chad could possibly touch Blake’s offspring with the gift of music, but that could be a possibility.
1. Blake Tucker, my one and only. Yes, he may be a flirt by nature, but Jessie doesn’t realize that we’ve had such a close bond that if he breaks up with me, people are already thinking of taking him off the list for Skype. It’s amazing how many people actually supported us and continue to do so. But I do have a note for Blake:
Dear Blake,
I wish you were a more loving partner. I wish you would apologize to me for flirting behind my back with Haley. And Nick wouldn’t like that. Honestly, Blake, you are a sweetheart, but you don’t know how to act in relationships. Learn for a second how to be in a relationship. For God’s sake, please respect my wishes and don’t flirt with ladies who aren’t your girlfriend. Pattie and Tammy are fine people, and they’re Christians. Fine, but Tammy won’t give you a child with her labors because from what I gather, she’s older than you by a billion years. No, not eighty, more like forty. And you know Pattie is married, but please tell me you care. Please, Jessie said you were leading me on. For God’s sake, Blake, don’t lead me on anymore. Just love me for me. I wanted a man who would at least make things up to me, make an effort to see me, promise me he won’t do anything to undermine our relationship. When you said I couldn’t go on a long day out with my friends, you were bringing back a flashback with Jason Owens again. Honestly, we don’t fight. We don’t fight that often, but you’ve fought too much hon. I’m not breaking up with you, but Blake there are three things I don’t like in a relationship: cheating, disrespectful things and moves on other women, which do include sexually cheating on a woman, and abuse of the wife you have. Blake, what is it going to take to get you to be my husband? What will it take? What does it take to get one in the first place? If it means moving out of Denver and into Arizona, that is what it will take. We will be in Flagstaff, settle in to an apartment, and so on. But Blake, what about mental health care? What about a decent Christian counselor who will pray for us both? What about marriage and family counseling and couples and family counselors who are decent enough not to do their New Age practices you hate so much with a passion? What about emergency healthcare, and what will the governor of that state do with Medicaid expansion? Politics are affecting my life as much as yours. We need to pay attention to the politics, and that’s it. Politics will be paid attention to because of all the stuff going on with Obamacare. We have to be careful of our kids. What if my daughter or son comes down with psychological illness like I did, and what if it’s my fault? What if my son drinks like a fish all kinds of alcoholic beverages? What if my son/daughter overdoses on heroin? I want a state that cares about my family and doesn’t blame our blindness and my other stuff for what happens to my kids. I can’t make eye contact, so forget about that. But Blake, I want my kids to be healthy and happy, and strike a good balance between screen time and sports and athletics if possible. If we have a spina bifida baby, we must be prepared to say, “We need barrier free housing because of this child in a wheelchair.” What if we have someone like Dannie DiSpirit, a girl from the Chicken Soup books who has lots of tubes and alarms on her chair to keep her alive. She will die without her vent, and all that stuff. Read the story, “A Girl In a Not So Normal Chair.” You’ll see what I mean. Dannie is a sweet girl, but she has so many disabilities. She seems normal, and she’s fine to me though. She can put makeup on and stuff. But like a lot of other people, society stares at her. It’s like they always do, they stare at us and make a mockery of a society that needs to foster a sense of independence for disabled folks. Blake, I want my kids to stay with us. I want to adopt if we can’t give birth. Either way, I want kids. I want a family, just a couple of kids. I want to have a sick child, a sick husband, whatever. Anything but guardianship and incapacitation. My parents sinned, but I can’t trust them anymore because of that sin. And I wish my church pastor would see this. What ails me is that they’re still alive, keeping me watched and guarded in a prison called Fear of Disability. Fears are stupid, and we have nothing to fear but fear itself, so FDR would put it. Blake, I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me till I see you again.
With love,
Beth

The Workshop from the AMTC Peoples

Dear Diary,
What a weekend it’s been, and what a weird one it will be next weekend. I went to a workshop on entertainment industry stuff, and found that maybe I oughta get my feet wet, but I really am in some dire need. I told the lady in charge that I can’t do head shots, and so on. Not in a pro studio because the professionality of it so might cost me more money than I can afford. I need professional head shots so that I can look nice. I want to do some good ones, maybe some bridal pics and stuff. I don’t know what will happen.
Kathy is fine, but Blake is saying some scary stuff. Clairvoyance, sleepwalking, slurred speech, not making any damn sense. What the hell is going on! Jennifer tested me for that. I’m saying Jennifer S. She tested me for clairvoyance last night. She’s nuts. How could I, Beth Taurasi, an ordinary person who has ordinary shit to do, have such a power? I dreamed about having such things, but no, I don’t. Clairvoyance is the weirdest thing I don’t understand. Clairvoyance is weirder than I thought, and some stuff in it is dangerous. I know for sure that Blake’s would be sister in law is probably a bad spirit, but Chad is good, and he didn’t want to go. But I can’t talk to dead people. Jennifer says I probably do, and I thought she heard shit last night. Holy God. Oh God. Hep! … Can’t think right now.

Another Audition, results, and Blake and I

Another Audition, Results, and … Blake! I Am Here!

Dear Diary,
It is now October, and I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a while. I auditioned for Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ, but was told to do a pre prep workshop before I could perform. Darn it. Honestly, what if they teach me to polish a look? I can’t do that sort of thing if I can’t see myself in the mirror. Ewwwwww. I can’t see myself in the mirror, and that is a bad idea. I’m not in favor of basic modeling, and of course they’d want me to be the very best, but as a blind woman, I can’t make eye contact with the camera. They’ll demand retakes of all my pics, and I’ll never know what they all look like because I can’t see. This is stupid. I can’t see why they’d want me to do modeling and acting, which is both inappropriate for blind people and in the case of modeling, insufficient to let a blind person do what he/she wants. I can’t, for instance, say I’m looking good enough to model for a car company. I can’t do that. I can’t model for people because I don’t believe I’m good looking enough. The Voice rejected me because of blindness, I swear it was blindness. They should have taken me on and allowed me. Also, it was because of my body image and they don’t want that kind of “image” on stage. What if this happens at the pre shine workshop I’m probably gonna register for? What about the Bridge tuition? I need more money for that, and I want to see where this goes. Idk what I’m going to do. I’m just not good looking enough, and as a disabled woman, I’m probably undesirable to a lot of people, except Blake. Blake wants me because it’s my insides, but what do sighted guys want? Looks, looks, looks. I’m not going for that. Envy is a plant that should never be watered. I’m not trying to say I shouldn’t look clean and groomed, but if my body is the way it is, I can’t change it. I can’t get a tummy tuck and plastic surgery because it’s not covered by insurance. My parents might even tell me I can’t walk around in a certain gown and so on. Well, they could tell me no even if I’m 50. So I’m out of their grip, and I”m gonna stay that way. But for Blake, there’s more desire in me. Blake desires me because we’ve both been through hell with family stuff. I can talk about family probs with Blake because he supports me in all ways. Jessie, one of my newest friends, is from Florida, and I’ll have him guard me when my parents walk in to the hotel room. I’ll just have him say, “You’re not welcome. A performer is in this room, and you aren’t allowe4d in.” IF that doesn’t work, I’ll call the front desk and say they’re not welcome guardian or not. I want them gone, out of here, whatever. The only time they can be welcome is if they promise not to take me to Titusville, and they will sign a paper that says they can’t do so. That’ll do it. But what if they disobey the rule? Jessie is blind, and they could just say one thing and do another. I’ve had many people do this to me, say one thing and do another. That drives me nuts. But Jessie is not like that. He’s sweet, but he’s not the sort of guy who could possibly steal me from Blake. We talk, but it’s not like we’re gonna date. I have no interest in dating Jessie, just being friends. I’m setting the record straight. Jessie and I have no interest in anyone seeing text messages and phone calls between each other. That’s bogus. I would not be surprised if a hacker breached my phone and saw the texts from say, Blake. Blake would say, “I love you. Baby, I wanna feel you right next to me.” I’d go, “Oh, baby. ❤ I love you." Blake woulod throw back at me a message or something loving and stuff, and people would see the texts and go, "Ewwwwwwww. Scandalous." But the big thing is, I am not taking nude selfies. I don't want nude selfies to appear online. I would NEVER take such pics. I'm not stupid am I? Cathy would kill Blake for seeing me nude. IF she saw me in the Nude, she'd probably shoot me silly. So, in light of what I'm about to do, in the singing business, I'm warning you all, do not ask me to send you nude pics and so on. Naked pics are not my thing. I don't send any kind of nude pics, I don't want provocative pics either, revealing clothes, etc. I have a much more modest look, and my body is special. Blake doesn't care if I'm fat, thin, or really plump. I'm going to get plump again, so if Blake doesn't desire me, so what. He has to, I will be his wife, and if he doesn't become attracted to me, then what is the point! I would rather have a guy be attracted to what's on the inside. Blake loves all of it, inside and out. All you modeling agencies out there, don't ask me to model sexually provocative Lane Bryant stuff. Ewwwwwwwww. Don't ask me to wear feathered bras, and don't do it to a toddler near where I'm standing. Ew. Yuck.
Ok, rant over. I'm done here. I just am going to pray and hope that the pre shine Bridge thing works good. They've had broken links like hell, and I'm having to offer to help them keep compliance with the ADA since they could find the next Ginny Owens, who is blind. Peace.
Beth