Thoughts about Blake being gone

Dear Diary,

Only if Blake moves here will I ever say this, but what will I do?  I’m not sure what I can do with all my money, and if Blake moves in, I’m pretty sure my SSI checks will be affected.  Help!  We need each other more than anything else, but we need to be able to marry in order for any kind of family to be had.  I’d rather have a family of my own, a family where everyone works with one another and where there is no heart idolatry, where there’s always someone available to talk to the person who needs it.  I don’t know what to do now.

It always reminds me of what my parents used to do.  They wern’t the best, but then again, no parent is perfect.  Perfection is bad in my mind, and it will always be bad.  Blake will message me sometime later on, but the truth of the matter is that I want Blake and no one else.

I honestly think his own mother could be scrupulously using his SSI checks for her bills and groceries, but they need to be used for him and him only.  I don’t know how to say this clearer, only he should have control over his money.  That’s him, not me.  We will have a life together somehow, and that’s what I would like somehow.  It’s only a matter of time before he says he’s leaving Arizona and coming here.  Denver is a place where there’s no transit boundaries and limits.  No, it’s a paradise for the blind.  I suppose Denver is wonderful.

Easter thoughts

Dear Diary,
Easter hasn’t always been a time of resurrection and renewal, but most of all, my parents would go with the pagan rituals of Easter eggs and bunnies to try and fit in to the world. Unfortunately, Christians don’t always see it that way. Muslims never celebrate it, but the Jews have something else, Passover. Of all the religious sects I’ve seen, Islam is so boring and there’s no celebration except for Eid. Sorry, but the Eid Festivals and so on don’t really add up to what Christians are free to do. We’re free to choose our mates in most cultures, and I don’t know about choosing mates, but I chose Blake because he has the same disability I do. Here’s my pastor telling me that I have to do things the way it says right there in the big book, but how can you! How do I get to know Blake without doing anything physical? Sex I can understand, but the whole hugging and kissing part? I don’t get it. I simply do not get it.
As for the thought of celebrating Easter, my parents always went to Grammy’s house. I call my dad’s mother Grammy, as the other men have done so to their grandmothers. My dad’s grandma was Grammy to him, and that’s just the way it was. Grammy’s house was usually packed full of Italian food, family, fun, well, I don’t know about fun. Egg hunts were a part of the family rituals, but I don’t know if I want to do Easter egg hunts with my own children. Can you imagine the girls/boys hunting for eggs in the yard and not getting the kind of eggs they desire? That can really mess with their minds. I don’t mind jelly beans, but still, I don’t know. I’d rather skip the whole Easter egg hunt thing, after all it’s a pagan rite and does not apply to Christians who truly understand what Sunday is about. This current Sunday is about Jesus resurrecting from the dead. Catholics are not always believers in Easter, but Easter was not mentioned in the bible, is not ever involved in Biblical times. Pagans, of course, have their holidays. The new year is October 31. It’s weird, but that’s what it is. It’s drawn from Celtic traditions.
My Easter celebrations have always been about some thing or other I’ve done wrong, so I don’t know if I can celebrate today. My own family would not make it a holiday for everyone, just the boys. Usually, I would be punished for something or other, and it wasn’t something I even cared about. My dad would tell me not to do something or other, and I’d have to get out of my room. Well, disobedience if not outright defiance is something I’d have to do at this point because for one, being in the living room with people who don’t even care to talk to you is downright bad, and for two, the people in the living room don’t really want to do anything but watch a race and play around on the Fan Zones, watch the television or be quiet. They expected quiet from me, and all the while there goes my brothers and parents talking away about Jeff Gordon’s new paint job or other. When I told Blake this, he was furious. Blake is furious with my family, totally furious with my Dad among other things. Blake deserves to know what’s up. I didn’t really like going to Grandma’s house very much during Easter, not as much as Christmas. Grandmas usually don’t have the best food on Easter, but it’s usually good at weddings and Christmas. That’s it.
My parents don’t seem to see the point I’m trying to make. The humiliation and so on that I faced during Easter is not something I can deal with. Not being allowed to listen to my stereo system because of one infraction or another is absolutely horrendous, and I can remember one occasion where my mother had to scream at me because of what she described as “horrendous” behavior. Well, behavioral difficulties or not, there is no excuse for hitting a small person.
This brings me to another thought I had. As a parent, I do not think it wise to hit a small child. My parents think it ok to belt, spank, cuff, or threaten a small child. Well, the smallness of the person doesn’t make a difference in the way physical violence is dealt out. There is no way I can justify spanking or belting or whipping a small girl. Is rape a proper punishment? While that is extreme, some grandfathers have been known to do this. I have a friend whose granddad raped her, and she got pregnant. Guess what? She had to take care and be a mommy because of him, and she never left her baby’s side. But she eventually blessed her relatives with her, and the baby’s doing fine. But to say the least, Grandfathers have a responsibility not to do things like that to their granddaughters. I’m not saying all, but there’s no place for an older guy to have a younger girl like that. No place, none.
As a parent to be, or a potentially good parent, I want nothing to do with physical punishment because kids will be traumatized or become mentally ill as a result of parental mishandling of discipline. Disciplining a child for even the most minor infractions with major punishments is wrong. I will never do this, never. I wouldn’t ban the practice of discipline altogether, but there has to be careful monitoring of what happens. If, for instance, Blake decides to hit his son for not being man enough to do something manly, I’d have to yell at him and say, “No you can’t do that. Now you go make peace with your son, and do not ever do that again.” I’d have to show Blake exactly what he did to his son, and I’d use physical force, brute force, to tell him that making a boy a man is not a physical act of violence.
This is leading somewhere. During holidays, discipline should be administered, but no physical punishment of any sort. There’s no place, I will say again, for a big person to hit or even smother a little person. Just because the kid is little or smaller than you does not mean you hit the person. If, for instance, a six-foot guy hits his little two-foot toddler, there’s something wrong with that. The toddler learns that physical force is ok. Physical punishment makes bullies out of men, passive slaves out of girls, and ruins families all around.
As if that is the only thing I’m thinking about right now, I remember my parents telling me what to write, or risk being punished. I was told I couldn’t write about a certain guy I had a crush on, and they made it impossible for me to express myself in writing. Well, there should be laws banning the depressing of teenagers, and we should reiterate the first Amendment. I will express myself in writing as much as possible, and so here goes:
\I read in a book about Islamic families and how they are bringing their culture to us in America that physical punishment and violence are a really integral part of Islam. And the Muslim culture? Well, ask Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She said frankly, schools always taught that violence was ok and acceptable. Like I said earlier, however, there’s no place for physical punishment or violence in homes. There’s a treatment Ayaan discusses in her latest book, the Itha Shansu treatment. Something about the chapter in the Qur’an that talks about the judgment. They do this in a certain Somali or Kenyan religious school she went to. I don’t know the name, but if a girl or boy was bad, they got the treatment, which involves the girl or boy who was bad being swung around in a hammock while the class hit the person with willow switches or something. All this was done to the cadence of the chapter in the Qur’an that talked about the judgments. Physical violence is not ok, no matter the situation.
I can give an example of another instance of physical force. Ayaan talks about a lady who hit her for getting her math sums wrong. Um, the way to do it is simple: say this is wrong, get the sums right. The answer is whatever it is, so try that again. You’ll see if it’s wrong or right.
If it really was what it was, the child wouldn’t need physical violence in order for homework to be done correctly. Asha Artan always had an abusive streak to her according to Ayaan. That was always a part of the family. Religion, however, overtook everything.
As a Christian, I want to make it clear that holidays are a time to celebrate, not be traumatized by something or other. If a child is sick, go visit him/her. IF a child is or has been traumatized or abused, help him/her. Holidays and Easter time especially are times to bring people closer to Christ. Christ is waiting, so I know what the world wants, but Christ needs his bride. We, the church, are his bride. Men can’t really relate as well as women, but Glynn said this clearly. Pastor Glynn is amazingly awesome, and he helped me to understand the Gospel, and the whole thing was amazing. I will hopefully be baptized in the near future as a Christian, not as a Catholic. Catholic people accept only “one Baptism for the forgiveness of sins”, but it’s usually done in infancy. I will never do that to my children. I want to be Baptized in such a way that the decision is mine. That is it. Blake will never need to worry. That’s all.
Love,
Beth

Dear Justina Pelletier

Dear Justina Pelletier,
Yes, I’m writing you a note because I want to give you some encouragement and a bit of praise for what is going on inside. You had the courage to stand up for what was right when you penned a note to your parents. Why the state wouldn’t let you speak to them I don’t know, but it was the same issue with Jenny Hatch, a lady with Down’s Syndrome recently freed from a guardianship that rendered her unable to make social decisions. Even with a job, she still had to reside in a group home and wouldn’t be allowed a laptop or cell phone. The group home didn’t allow her to see her dear mother figure, Kelly Morrison. It really pained Jenny not to be able to see her friends, and her parents were behind all this. That is bad. As a teenager in a hospital, Justina, you have suffered enough. It’s time to get up, man up, and tell the docs and the state you aren’t and never were being abused or neglected by your parents. Hell, you lived an active lifestyle which included ice skating competitions and so on. Now you can’t even stand up? Your sister’s concerned. Of course, your parents would act the way they did. Linda and Lou Pelletier would be proud to know they have a daughter who really knows what family support means. So what if you do have a mitochondrial disorder? So what? you have family that actually like you. My story is different, but similar in character to Hatch’s. Must I remind you that Jenny, with the Down’s Syndrome has an intellectual impairment? I do not. I have more intelligence, and maybe the world oughta see it this way. I’m not a victim anymore, nobody’s fool. I’m going to try and advocate for myself and Blake, my undying boyfriend, well, my loving boyfriend. We’re going to try. We’re really going to try and marry and have a life together, which I deserve because I’ve worked too hard for my independence, and no sense of entitlement here, you narcissists. It’s called, God, reward me for what I’ve done in this world, and tell my parents they will be given an account they need to read back to you. I suppose that your parents and you will have to give an account to the Almighty that says exactly what you and them did in their lives. My mom and dad will have to do the same, and if they fail, they will have their bodies and souls cast into the lake of Fire. It says right there in Revelation, and that’s what it says. There’s nothing wrong with this, but we’re all pretty sure it’s in the Bible.
Justina, if there are any questions you have for me, you can ask. I’d like to reach out and tell you that I’m praying for you as well as my bf Blake, and all the rest of the Christians and Jews out there. Muslims and Boco Haram can all go fall somewhere else down the mountain. Gotta run. Blake is messaging me!
Sincerely,
Beth

Dear Niki

Dear Niki Wunderlink,
I feel for you and almost want to crush the people around you who aren’t allowing you to speak with me and RJ and Blake. We’ve all been friends to you, but all you’ve done is not allow yourself to be unisolated, and the guardians you have are isolating you. Use of isolation is a common tactic for the guardians at the present, and that’s what they decided. IF there was a word I’d say to describe what you’re going through, it is simple: abuse. I don’t stand for this, nor will I stand for this in your afterlife. You will be in Heaven and in a kingdom someday where inhibitions to talking or speaking to others are not allowed by the Lord God Almighty. The Lord God is more powerful than any guardian, and we are all his children. We are free in the blood of Christ who died for us, and you should live forever in that. But Niki, you don’t understand. I’m going through the same things, and I had an isolatory incident where my dad told me not to talk to a certain guy in California.
Henry, aged 30 years at the time, or somewhat 34, was the first boyfriend I eventually had and broke up with. Henry was a correspondence like RJ is right now, and Henry was in another world, raising a teenage son. I didn’t know this till I called him, but I’ll never forget the ringer on his phone at the time I first called. It was Bob Dylan, Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door. When I heard the song next time on the radio, I remembered. I remembered HEnry’s beautiful voice, his audible smile, and his consideration. But what I did not count on was my dad’s isolation, his taking away of the Internet and phone so I couldn’t talk to anyone outside the locale. This was abuse. This is abuse. I will not stand for this. Abuse is horrific, and either my parents or the state are advocating abuse of the blind and physically handicapped. Niki, I will pray that you come back to us, and I will continue to think about the things we discussed on Twitter. I”m sorry we had to end it like this, but RJ and Blake are really concerned. RJ is concerned you’re being isolated, and we all know that this is not what’s best for you. IF I were President, I’d change the law for you. I’d do what I could to set you free. That’s what I intend to do.
Love,
Beth

My Days at Work

I was at work.  And it’s a great place.  I’d like to say just one thing: I’ll be writing something else later.  At the moment, I am worried about a few things: psych test results, my cholesterol levels, etc.  Great.  It’s like this: you always hear the doc tell you that you need to treat the high cholesterol, but there’s something else. Medications are not always appropriate for young women of my age, so I always hear the advertisements say the same thing, “Not appropriate for women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.” The psych test has to be the best, of course, but hopefully I can stay here. This test could determine the end of my natural life as a free person living in the United States. As far as I know, there are a lot of people who are isolated and so on who can’t talk to any disabled person living outside of Florida or their state of residence. That sucks.
At work, however, things aren’t so bad. My supervisor is amazing. Her son is adorable, and she is super tall. She has a really loud laugh, but I must say, I love the way she walks on thin air. Just kidding. Maybe not walk on air, but she walks on water, and she has a way of doing things that make you think. I’m now doing practice exams for the Comp TIA A Plus exam, and uh oh. I’m not scoring well at all. Somebody help me! I want to take a course in the A Plus Exam Prep so I can possibly get an IT job, but there has to be one open for blind individuals with no experience. Not a lot of blind folks have experience in work, and the shifts are not compatible with transit. I want an employer who will work with me, and that will allow me to use public or private transit given the times that are available and the fact that I’m a woman should be obvious. I don’t want to travel past six p.m. at night no matter the daylight savings issue. I have an issue being a woman and traveling at night, late at night. I’d rather tell you this right now: I don’t want to be pregnant and raped like that at night.
I’ve heard people talk about being pregnant as a result of rape, and strangers will look for both a victim and an opportunity. As a lady, I don’t want to be the opportunity or the victim of a crime. I personally don’t want to have to spend millions of dollars on baby items right now, and millions more if the baby has Autism or special needs. As a result of the medications I’m on, baby could be in bad condition. Neural tube defects are a side effect of the medication I’m on. That is a bad idea for Baby and me.
Blake would need to keep off until we get the meds straightened out, but I don’t want to use contraception if we marry. It would mean that Blake and I are preventing a possible life from entering the womb, and that according to Catholics, is bad. I’m not Catholic as I had been for 23 years, but there is a Christian tradition there still in me. A Muslim can’t use contraception either, but they have no consideration for women who are blind and don’t trust anybody. I don’t trust men, I only trust God. God has found me a proper man, and that man is Blake, at least I hope so.
I’m going to write two letters in the Blog about two different people. I should say that one is for Niki, an old friend of mine who recently emailed a friend of mine, RJ. Niki was told she could not speak to RJ or anyone who doesn’t know her in person. She went so far as to delete me, Blake, and RJ. Her guardians are abusive, isolating her. I think NASGA should help. I’m not kidding. The guardians who had Niki for the longest are not good to her as guardians often aren’t. The guardianship of Niki Wunderlink is a common thing, a whirlpool she can’t get out of. See next two posts. One other post I will write is for Justina Pelletier, and she needs the love of God to get her out of the abusive state home she’s in. The wild child, Jeanie, is also a victim of abuse by guardians or the state where she resides.

Reforming the Juvenile Justice System: Teens Charged as Adults and Other Matter of Peace and Prosperity

I just heard that the stabbing murderer in Pennsylvania was charged as an adult.  Well?  Teenagers are not sometimes old enough or even allowed to understand the consequences of their actions.  Why should we take revenge on our children?  Children are supposed to be the best things we have, our precious resource.  IF they aren’t that precious to us, then yeah, revenge would be the proper way to deal with it.  I was reading a story once about a guy who is so excited about aliens.  The aliens are about to talk to him, and this guy is so excited, but then the aliens send one of their own to him.  The alien says, “You humans are always in conflict with each other.”  He says this in so many ways, giving examples of wars and revenge tactics we take as a race of human beings.  We want revenge, and there’s nothing the Alien said that would stop him from killing the human race in the ship.  This was a story written by a brilliant young person, further proof that the children we have are the most precious things we  have to offer.  This brilliant young man in the Stone Soup magazine wrote this back in 1995 I think, or it could be about 1997.  The story portrays the aliens as peace loving creatures, but they have their own telepathic language.  With the aliens present, the captain of this space ship says he doesn’t like what the alien plans to do, and kills the representative of that race.  Then, the Council of the alien race meets, deciding to kill off the ship and its rank and file staff.

What can we learn from this?  What does it have to do with our system?  Well, if I were an alien, there are some things I would say.  There are some outside observations I’d have to make:

1. Humans are quarrelsome, and always fight with one another.  As in the story, the cone-shaped alien thing says to the captain, “You’re thinking you’re in charge of another person?”  I don’t like ranks and so on, but ranks are an important part of the human class structure.  If I were an outsider, I’d see the Adolescents ranked below adults, but I’d say what my race had in regards to rank.

2. IF I visited a prison as an alien outsider, I’d say, “Look what you’re doing!  And to your own teenagers?”  I’d be upset with the way teenagers are charged as adults in criminal cases.  Can you imagine if aliens saw what was going on?  They’d kill us off and tell us we can’t come back!  What else?

3. I’d be appalled by the ranking of women below men in so many subclasses of human beings.  Let’s say I landed my space ship in the middle of the FLDS compound.  Sound weird?  Yes, it’s weird, but listen.  I’d say, “What is this?  Women have to wear those weird dress things and men have more of them around him?”  I’d be appalled by the teachings of plural marriage and so on.  Yes, I would be.  I have friends in Utah, but face this fact, if I were an alien, I’d say to those weird people who think it ok to marry more than one woman, “What is all this about?  My race never does this.”

4. I’d ask questions of courtship and love and the way it evolved in a humanoid race.  As a space alien, I’d ask many questions, but let’s revert back to a human perspective.

I’d never want to take revenge on my children for their wrongdoings.  God doesn’t like that, this whole taking revenge on children who do wrong.  Why should teenagers be charged as adults for crimes they either didn’t commit or they didn’t understand?  I’m sorry, but if it were my dad’s house, he’d not do that.  He knows a teenager’s place is in the home, under the care of the parents, but being able to become independent.  But oh, … wait, that is if the teenager is healthy and sighted.  Let me say something real quick that could shock you, so just read on.

My parents had a guardianship for ten years of my life which should have been spent doing adult things.  My dad, according to some people, does not believe I am an adult.  That guardianship, according to guardianship groups, is like a whirlpool, I got sucked in, and I’m going to be pulled out.  I’m working on a case that could possibly mean the end of my parents’ reign of terror.  As an adolescent, I was not permitted to do anything, was mocked and made fun of for my disabilities and desires to overcome those disabilities, and was so highly hated or loved whichever way you could put it that my own mother’s family got nothing from me.  For me, there was no multiple birthday presents after I turned 17 or 18.  I wasn’t allowed to celebrate a marriage that should’ve been, and it was with my ex, Deq Ahmed.  Thus, Deq and I broke up.  There was no where for us to go with our relationship, and Deq accepted what lay ahead, no marriage, a break in our relationship, etc.  But as Blake points out, he doesn’t get over me.  He wanted me, but now Blake is my match made in Heaven, but I’m determined to put an end to this pattern.  I want marriage, kids, serious relationship, all that.  The courts do not deem me fit for marriage because they were simply ignorant and stupid, using ignorant and stupid examiners to determine my fate.  I’m blogging mainly because of this and other things.  I want people to see me as a fiery woman who doesn’t give up.  And uh uh, I don’t give up.  I want to be paid, married, and so on.  I want my life back, and I’m going to never extinguish my flames until the road is over, until the day I drop dead.

As for all the teenagers who are disabled, I am honestly going to pray that their parents see that guardianship is a bad alternative to any thing else.  There were other ways to solve the problem, but my parents, like most Americans, wanted a “quick and instant fix.”  Quick fixes don’t work; they ruin lives.  IF I were President, I’d reform the justice system so that guardians who hold the key to people’s adult lives would be prosecuted … all of them.  They deserve it.  Sorry, but then I’d also say that EIGHTEEN is the maximum age for people to be put in jails for adults.  Maybe, there could be an executive order that says that 25 should be the minimum age for all men and women convicted of crime to be put in jail.  The brain stops developing at that time.  As a disabled adult, I think that we should allow disabled people their rights, and as someone who represents the blind community, I think particularly the blind should be treated as regular citizen people.  We are citizens, never second class.  I am done with being a second class citizen of the United States, and I’m not gonna stop fighting till the day Blake or me drops dead.  IF I have to, I’ll play lotto, but if I am rich enough, I’ll buy a house for me and Blake, then donate the rest of my riches to the Ayaan Hirsi Ali foundation, and maybe the NFB and other disability orgs that have some sort of influence and fight for people’s rights.  I’d destroy Autism Speaks, after all Autism Speaks wants autistic children in institutions.  I’d say they can go to Hell with their campaigns.  LaVonnya Gardner is the best autistic source of info I have, and she has an autistic daughter.  Vonnie, you’re wonderful, awesome, everything else.  Also, my friend LeeAnnis high functioning autistic, and I can accommodate her too.  But to see her and Vonnie in institutions would kill me altogether.  Institutes don’t allow intimate time for couples, and make fun of the people there as well as neglect or abuse them.  Blake’s grandfather, Grandma Gayle’s husband, always has to be looked out for, and I’d be happy if Gayle could keep her husband in the home so they could have that time together.  It’s important, and I hope they can do something.  But no, Michael, Blake’s uncool dad, had to throw that poor old man in a group home where abuse and neglect are a common thing.  Not that it’s at this one group home, but group homes are generally full with abuse and neglect, and I’m about to say something quite shocking: Dad said I ought to go to one.  What?  A group home sucks, and I’m not about to lose my freedom and go live with other wards of Florida, and I will not go back.  No matter what the judge rules.  My parents cutting off my benefits will altogether ruin me.  I will not go back.  Florida is closed, a cold place in spite of its warm weather.

I’ve written enough now, and feel I should probably publish this Great American Novel.  So here I am, letting loose my fire and whatever else I might have hidden here.  I’m not going to stop till the day I drop dead.

School Shootings and a Pennsylvania School Stabbing. Omg.

April 20, 1999

I was sitting there in my school, St. Teresa’s Catholic school and in Colorado, Dylan Cliebold and Eric Harris had shot up the school.  This was in 1999.  Those two had killed 13 students and some teachers, including a young woman who said she believed in God.  Then the killers took their own lives.  That was it.

Fast forward to April 9, 2014.  We now have a stabbing in Pennsylvania with 20 students.  I’m listening to AM760 and Gloria Neale, my favorite person in the whole wide world, is sweet.  She said though, with a somber expression in her voice, that 4 students in the school were life flighted to a hospital and they will be ok.  At least I hope.  But what happened to Claire Davis?  She was shot at Arapaho High School.  There was a lot of stuff in all the school shootings.

There is a book I’d recommend.  Ceremonial Violence: the Psychological Effects of School Shootings.  It’s a good book, but still, I don’t know.  I’d have to see more of the serial killers’ names in that book to say more.

This raises the question: should weapons be given to teachers?  Well, what has this world come to?  You got teenagers shooting each other, stabbing each other, hacking limbs off of each other.  What in the world!  Must I say that we need to cover healthcare for these poor people who got stabbed and shot.  Republicans will do what they can to repeal Obamacare.  They’re nuts.  Oh, my radio sure went out.  Why?  Oh, she’s back.

Well, I want guaranteed coverage for preexisting conditions such as mental illness, heart disease and so on.  What if my daughter’s raped?  She needs or would need counseling and other things, healthcare so she doesn’t have a baby too young and so on.

Now I’m on my way to work for the morning.