Reenabling comments with conditions

Dear readers,

As much of this blog from a period of time has had zero in the way of engagement, I reenabled comments, but I have conditions on doing so. One, no trolling. Two, no pro guardianship or anti blind ableist comments allowed. Three, anything sexual other than that posed by my partner is not allowed. Not unless you wanna play around, and you can get here by airplane.

I’d like to say I really can’t delete my facebook page because of the presence I have on a podcast space on Twitter. It’s complicated, but I’d like to point to one problem. People have called me entitled and bratty for all the wrong reasons. You guys really need to look in the mirror and see where you went wrong. I’m talking to the thousands of blind folks on Facebook who flat out troll and sit there and blast me for being entitled, incapable, bratty, etc. This will stop, and in comments here, I won’t accept it. So here are the rules for writing comments in the blog and these are not only the rules, but they are mandatory.

  1. absolutely no person shall write ableist commentary on here. You can’t write things about someone who is disabled and that offends the disabled community.
  2. No trolling comments are allowed.
  3. Anyone who reportedly says that I should be under someone else’s ownership, which is what guardianship is, will be blacklisted.
  4. Anyone who says I’m incapable and can’t do things will also be blacklisted.
  5. Any prior blacklisting folks will not be unblacklisted.
  6. No person shall write racist comments or those supporting one religion over others, including but not limited to Christianity.
  7. No person shall quote scripture to perform an act of spiritual abuse on my blog. Such comments, and likewise the commentator, will be blacklisted.
  8. No person shall threaten someone else in the comments, and the comments will only be here to engage in a dialogue about the subject matter in which the blog post is written about. Whatever.

IF anyone has any questions or comments, please feel free to write them here, but follow the rules. I’m going to follow these rules to the tee because my safety and the safety of my fans is the number one priority.

Beth

Why I Will be Leaving Facebook

Dear readers,

Many of you have subscribed to my blog on Facebook, and for this I thank you all. I’d like to talk about what’s going on in my world as of late.

One, Clayton Jacobs deleted his Facebook page because nobody cared one way or another about his requests for help, and all requests for help went unanswered. Recently, an ID went missing of his, and he needed it, but the trouble is that Arizona will take its sweet old time mailing him an ID. Not good. Also, we’re running into problems with people calling me out as a poor pity blind bitch, and that has to stop right now. First off, when I ask for money, I expect no criminal mischief record on my papers. A woman in my chorus I tried to ask about this with told me not to ask for money, suggested my boyfriend was a troll, using me to solve his problems, blah blah blah. Can I get a Hell no to the Denver Women’s Chorus for being elitist and hogging the wealth that I as a severely impoverished person have to deal with every single day and every hour? What’s it like to live on SSI and have to deal with wait lists, and we’re not dealing with wait lists for housing.

There’s one reason I’m deleting my Facebook and that’s three letters: N, F, B. Clayton is the only reason I would have kept it but he’s with me now, and I’m sick of all the unsupportive dramatic issues with family, and I’m also changing bank accounts because I do not want my Dad on my bank account, no representative payee for me. Anyone who suggests that should take their attitude and check it at the door. I expect expectations, sure, but sometimes you’re just too uppity, if you are a blind person with a family who loves and supports you. Guess what? My family is semi white supremacist, and I’ve got evidence of such.

So here’s the thing about me and Facebook. The big problem with Facebook is the toxicity and sensitivity of the communities at large, and people are going to expect Clay’s wedding pics to come up, but no, they won’t. My beloved Clayton will have all his share of love and devotion, trust me, I’m loyal to Clayton, and the people who are not loyal need to understand why we are deleting our Facebook pages. Here’s my side of why I’m deleting mine.

  1. Jason Owens was a monstrosity and attacked some of my friends, if not most of those believed to be weak and further permanently disabled. Jason might have met me on Skype, but he’s one damn person I don’t want to be around.
  2. Death threats because of this blog, Facebook posts, and other things. I had a friend for eleven years orchestrate a death threat via some Karen from Avilar, and she threatened me with pain, death, all that. I do not want people such as her chasing me down.
  3. I’m deleting Facebook because why bother posting anything if people are going to criminalize asking for money, reaching out for help, fundraising for a wedding or honeymoon, and many other things? Why Why bother? If you read this blog, I had many wonderful opportunities and ideas, but trust me, it’s going to be harder without Facebook, but it will be easier as time goes.
  4. There are people who have accused me of asking for pity pittances. Well, as punishment, I’d like to charge an exorbitant fee for any obvious abuses, i.e. “Stop being the poor pitiful blind person.” That is not my intent, and I’m done with this. Poor pity blind people are those who are elitist, white supremacist, and above all, dependent on family for support and so on. Humans being social creatures isn’t enough of a reason to keep Facebook. Blind community members are toxic, very very toxic and stupid. Most of them are, and I’ve had my share blocked. Let’s look at some.
  5. Two words about me were spoken by a guy in Grand Junction, no, three words. “You are incompetent.” “You are incapable.” This bastard probably committed domestic violence on his ex, the one he had the kids with, all that and I should have seen the red flags altogether. Clayton owns up to his wrongs and does the sentences prescribed, but he does not abuse me. I’m too valuable a person for him to throw aside, and he wouldn’t do that. Not even if I was a piece of trash, and I mean white trash.
  6. Here’s a reason I will delete Facebook summed up in a few sentences, but here’s a simple one. Too many people support guardianship, too many blind people support little old Beth Taurasi being under guardianship, and Clayton knows this. You all are about two steps away from seeing an empty slot where I once stood on Facebook.
  7. Another reason I want to delete Facebook? The criminalization of my asking for help, companionship, and company. I’m gonna call out a few different folks, and please note, it has nothing to do whatsoever with being any member of a minority protected class. Even minorities in protected groups i.e. LGBTQIA+ and Jewish folks and others are putting the blind people at the very very bottom of the barrel because we’re blind. Karen, a woman in the Denver Women’s Chorus, is not someone I would recommend asking for any favors, even those that are nonmonetary. I can’t even ask a favor of anyone in that whole group. Christine, while a loving grandmother, has called me out for being “entitled.” If she wants to read this blog, fine with me. But she needs to understand that blind people are at the super bottom of the pot as far as consideration for jobs, housing, and marriage and social things. People such as this girl called Chantal spread things about me that should have been between me and her.
  8. People think I am unstable, crazy, and other stigmatizing words having to do with mental illness. Well, to those who want to keep saying I’m crazy, stop it. Try going to a mental health institute or mental health treatment center, try going to a homeless shelter, try all of these things and you’ll see what I mean.
  9. There are too. many posts dealing with God and Jesus, religious bullshit that doesn’t apply to me anymore. I’d be damned if anyone even tells me being with Clayton is a sin. Guess what? Your calling me out as a whorish slut is a grave violation of my personal boundaries. So there you have it.
  10. Two words: Joey Hagemeier. HE could follow you around anywhere, and I have nothing against Korean adoption, blind people, etc. But I do have something against the three week dating period Joey and I had. He is bad news, doesn’t get it, and won’t be allowed back on a new FB page.

IF anyone has any objections to me leaving FB, please email me at denverqueen@gmx.com and do the right thing. Tell me about something that doesn’t have any connotations about winning or losing. Haters, you all will burn in Hell for how you treat Clayton and I. You haters will all have to pay a price for telling me I can’t reach out for help. Pay the piper or the piper pays nobody. Do you remember the story of the Pied Piper in Hamlin? Remember the rats? IF you want someone to clean up the rats and infestations of any kind of rodent, insect, or bird from your people’s property, you fucking pay the piper. I mean it, three words: Pay, The, Piper. IF you do not pay the piper, you will lose things most dear to you. I don’t care if you lose kids, dogs, your favorite book. Pay the piper.

Beth

Tribute to Ray Khan

Author’s Note: The following contains some references to drugs and rehab, mental health issues, sometimes even guardianship abuse. Reader discretion is advised. Also, this is a sort of tributary note to Raymond Khan, a young man I knew from way back in 2006, both of us were jailed, sort of, in rehab. LaAmistad should be ashamed of itself for its ableist and controlling approach to rehabilitating substance and non substance use peoples with mental illness. You put up a big fight with me about relationships, and I need to be able to forge connections, not forget them. I want to say a few words I should’ve said to Ray, and I want him to know that things are going good, but without further adieu, here it is.

Dear Ray,

Things have been crazy since you last saw me. I think about you sometimes, although the times I thought of you were very hard ones. When I thought of how you almost lost yourself to crystal meth, how you almost killed yourself a few times, maybe more, my heart went and stopped in the middle of everything. Ray, you really are someone I cared about in 2006, and yet a piece of you stays with me every day. I have at least a few things on my mind I wanted to straighten up with you.

First, I should have never been forced to end relationships and not forge a connection with you. I loved you, and what any nurse or doctor should know is that forging connections helps and stabilizes an individual’s treatment by a long shot. Undoing all the person’s health and well being by disconnecting them from everybody in the world doesn’t help. Ray, I loved you dearly, but I tell you, I have a partner and a good life ahead of me. The guardianship’s been discharged, and you can tell everybody that you and I could have been freed from this had Florida not fucked up and gotten me in trouble at seventeen, and nobody believed that my mother was capable of slapping me in the face. I would love to charge my mom with assault if she ever pulls shit like this again, but no, I won’t. Why? Because there’s. more stuff she did that I could tell you and you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

The guardianship was abusive, I had to stay in loveless or unromantic relationships because of the possibility of being abused at home. Orien, a young man I knew in high school and who’s grown now, will not have anything to do with me. Trust me, not that way. We’re friends again on FB, but trust me on this, my parents deserve a lawsuit and jailtime for committing probate fraud. I didn’t even know what the fuck probate was, and trust me, you would think I was nuts if I told you. Guardianship is evil, it destroys families, it tears apart lives. It did so to me, and did you hear about Britney Spears? She’s out of Conservatorship.

Ray, I hope you are there somewhere in the ashes of my existence, dancing on a cloud, or perhaps you’re alive on Earth somewhere far beyond. Canada? Maybe. But have you watched what’s going on in America lately? Please tell me you’re not cooped up in some prison cell lamenting on drugs, being on drugs, etc. I wanted you to be strong and try and be someone that you can be, the best version of yourself. I cried today thinking of the stuff I should have said to you, but it got worse. When we were in the so called catapult ceremony, the one where we pass the coin and say our goodbyes to the people leaving the treatment center, I was a wreck. You remember right? I told you I’d be the lead actress in your movies, whatever they were to be. Ray, I tell you, I felt the whole time that I was not the lead actress in my own story, not until recently. Ray, if I could only tell you that Clayton Jacobs, the man I call my boyfriend, is the best supporting actor in my story. HE gets the Oscar nod and perhaps he wins Best Supporting Actor in. my personal story. Why? Because Clayton heard your name and your story from my lips, and he understands greatly. Clayton has held me while I cried, kissed me when I was sad or happy, and has made love to me through all kinds of stuff. We’d always had each other’s backs, even through some rough stuff we both had to deal with. Ray, we’re coming up on some currents in our lives, Clayton and myself, and trust me, I am always the lead actress in my personal story now. I changed my bank account, I changed my direct deposit amounts and info on it, and my dad will soon have to close the account. I’m not going to have him sit there and say he can have his name on my account, which he will no longer do. My mother and dad think they can tell me who to be with, but because the guardianship was abusive, I had it discharged. My parents woke up only halfway. They won’t define the guardianship as abusive, wrong, and fraudulent. Probate fraud should and will always be one day against the law, but I want guardianship to be a federal goddamn crime. Why? Because it tears apart families, rips people’s lives to shreds, and for disabled women, sometimes we have to sterilize because in the minds of the government, we are less than, inferior. Ray, I’m sorry to say you weren’t the love of my life, and I didn’t exactly get the chance to give you the flower of my virginity. I don’t care. What virginity?

It started with a Dallas, Texas convention I was coerced into attending by the center in Littleton, Colorado Center for the Blind, and they required everybody to fly to Texas for this stupid conference while you had National Federation of the Blind (NFB) people sitting there praising the god of their own, Kenneth Jernigan. It was a motley crew of idolatry, sexual misconduct, and more. I lost my virginity to Deq Ahmed and Mosamil Yahya or someone like that, but we’ve had to mull over such things. Clayton would never have cared, at least, that I had to break it off with Deq Ahmed because his clan and family didn’t approve of him marrying a blind American woman. I would have argued that the clan had no right to Deq because of blindness and because such honor is antique. No, the word here is antiquated. I would suggest at a clan meeting that we move forward and modernize and recognize the right to choose one’s own mate. Period, point blank, end of story!

Ray, when I was with a man named Jason, the whole time things just didn’t work. Jason was abusive, and he was pro on the case of my guardianship, he wanted to say I needed it. What a very inglorious bastard. He liked the reactions of folks when he said, “You’ve signed your death warrant for being friends with Beth Taurasi.” I call bullshit. Death warrants are for murderers, Aileen Wuornos included, or perhaps Ted Bundy. But not me, I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t do it, and if I did, it was an accident. I have no capacity to see where I’m aiming that stupid gun, and where I’m going to aim it is anyone’s guess. Jason had almost killed my friend Trenton’s current girlfriend, and furthermore, Jason wishes all his exes dead. Oh wait, Jennifer died. I can’t believe she did, and that bastard wants me to forgive him? I can’t forgive myself for even loving the guy. But thinking back, Jason was a big turning point into why I hate almost 80% of guys, not all guys, but I kinda don’t like a lot of them. IF a guy suggests that a woman’s place is beneath him, where she submits, etc, he isn’t for me.

When I dated Blake, things got hairy. His mom said I was “psycho” and should not date Blake. Blake lost his brother to gun violence, of course, but I’m not a fan of the woman who did it, although in some ways gun control might have stopped the murderer from ending the brother’s life, and the mother blames me? She didn’t have to blame me, she didn’t have to justify Clara Deitz dating Blake for the short time she did, and the impression was fake. All of it, fake. Clara should not have broken Blake’s heart in front of the world, and she did. Blake I wish as punishment should “take a wife of whoredom” as in the Bible, Gomer was a whore who went with Hosea, her husband, even when she was being bargained for and such. Hosea brought her back, but they had two kids together, I forget the names. But if Blake wants to try and mess my life up he can’t. Our friendship is rocky because of his mother’s prejudice against psychological diagnostics, and she doesn’t realize I have PTSD. Not quite as bad as a guy Blake knows, but not as bad as my cousin, Robert Zemcik, a veteran in the army who’s survived many many occasions I can’t go into. Zemcik’s experiences in the army should not be forgotten, and neither should those of other vets, Afghanistan and Iraq war vets included. I donated money to the wounded Warrior Project years after Blake’s breakup, but alas, I don’t know where it all went.

Trenton is my current latest ex, after Joey who was a bad boy. Joey tried to mess with me, tried to egg me on, and a troll tried to fuck with me while I was just getting started with Trenton. I was frequently accused of whoring around, told to get a proper marriage, all that. But now, Clayton is probably the only man I could say is doing it right. I can’t believe he would know me for five years, would let me into his life, would hold me the way he did, and would make love to me the way he did. Ray, if you only saw my face when I found Clay at the airport, I was overjoyed. He was sitting there waiting for me, and I ran forward to give him a big giant hug. I wanted to love him right there. We got back to his place, and lo and behold, his hips got close to mine, and his face. Oh, his beautiful face. Ray, Clayton can’t see as I don’t, but trust me on this, he is a good man. Clayton treats me like a beautiful queen, honors me the way men should honor the women in their lives, and in turn, I want to do nothing more than honor him. Like in Gladiator, I will honor Clayton, and because he’s honored me, I will do what is right. I’m behind him 100% of the time, and trust me, he is for me as well. Ray, if you only knew.

IF you only knew the way things were back in the day. I still can’t get a job, can’t do things without verification, oh so they wanna believe I’m not who I say I am? Bullshit. I am Beth, the girl you once knew, and I hope you will always remember me. I hope you will remember me, and it is because I remember you that I can’t forget. I can’t forget the time we were walking around, and we kissed somewhere outside of staff eyes. All this and other bullshit, I just wanted to kiss you again. YOu really do have a lot to offer someone, and I hope you found a beautiful pair of lips to kiss, arms that will hold you, and a pair of eyes to stare into. My eyes, god forsake me, are blind. You never understood. You never wanted these eyes. These eyes cried for you, and my heart beats every day regretfully for all the times you had to stay ten feet away. I’m done, I’m done trying to cry over this spilled milk. I love you dearly. I don’t know what to say. But Clayton is my true love, not you, because you don’t seem to get it. Ray, my pain is great, but my heart soldiered on for years knowing you were out there somewhere.

Ray, if there’s one thing I should have said to you, it was this. Clayton is the right man for this undertaking of loving me because he’s blind, has the same eye condition, and we’re on the run with all the love we have in our hearts. We love one another with such passion it isn’t funny. Ray, contact me if you dare. If you read this, you will be rewarded for your trouble. The water of time may stand between us, but for Clayton, he has ferried himself over the waters of space to me, and has offered me his heart. Ray, this truly isn’t goodbye, not forever. It is a new beginning. Perhaps you will understand if you see this blog and understand what kind of person I am.

Sincerely,

Beth Taurasi

Full Review of the Handmaid’s Tale

Dear Readers,

First of all, content warning, spoilers for the Handmaid’s Tale, all four seasons. I’m writing this as a true tribute to the show that started it all on the Hulu platform, made it possible for change, and opened many an eye to antifeminist belief. While some of us think the Handmaid’s Tale is a bit extreme, and some of us read the book, the Hulu show is worth a watch. I’d give it a five stars, so let’s get started on the meat and potato of this thing.

Elizabeth Moss plays June Osbourne, who is by this time a victim of the Sons of Jacob, one could call these nasty vile commanders the sons of religiosity extreme comparative of the Ku Klux Klan. These men believe that impregnating superior women with superior sperm cells is their mission, so what do they do? LEt’s look at the backstory and I’ll explain.

June Osbourne sees her rights deteriorate little by little, first noticeably at work, then at home. Home is where women are confined, and then she tries to buy something at a mart, only to have her card rejected. Again and again, her card is declined. Ugh. So, here’s where it begins and where it all becomes logic. A pimply faced young man is working the counter, another man calls June and her friend Moira “sluts” and “whores.” Then it becomes obvious when all the girls are fixed with an order to be “reeducated” by the aunts, Aunt Lydia among them. Anne Doud plays Aunt Lydia so well you would have thought she was a bitch, which she does act like one quite a bit. Aunt Lydia does a number of atrocities against the women, particularly Alma, because Alma is disobedient, and so she burns Alma’s hand in one scene. Oh, and disclaimer: I’m not using the women’s Handmaid identifying names such as ofFred, ofRobert, or ofTim. It would be highly disrespectful of the women themselves to use such things.

From the moment Fred strikes his will on June, lovelessly thrusting into her to the moment you see Fred literally drop dead in a ravine, then hang from a makeshift wall with Latin phrases beneath his body, the whole show is a test of one’s mental ability to withstand things. One of the hardest things to process was Season 1, especially when Emily, who went by ofGlenn and ofSteven, well, Emily also went by ofJoseph, but again, let’s use her birth name, she lost her beloved who was a Martha, and that Martha was hanged by a noose on a crane. The poor woman was hanged for being in a relationship with Emily, and I don’t know that woman’s name, but Emily got her clitoris cut off, a practice that you would think had been banned by now, but apparently, not.

Another intriguing thing about the Handmaid’s Tale is the way they celebrate birthdays. Little Angela, a baby begat by such loveless sexual intercourse, and who was taken by Naomi Putnam, this little girl can look forward to a life of no reading, no writing, like nothing else matters to her education but coloring books and knowing how to please a man. Her handmaid mother is forbidden to see her after Angela is weaned, and Warren Putnam, the commander who fathers her, obviously doesn’t get it. He ogled a few girls in this show, namely June Osbourne. The handmaid in question was Janine. Janine, who became a fugitive and was captured in Chicago, that girl had obviously been a pet to the aunts, and was deemed a slut if she didn’t say it was her fault she was raped and how she supposedly played on and led on the boys to do it by her looks. This is a long dead thing in our reality. So one would think.

One of my favorite Handmaid’s Tale seasons happens to be the last season, season 4. We start out by seeing June become a real rebel, and she totally subverts the system, and later she sees Luke and Moira carry her across the sea to Canada. Yes, did I say spoilers? Yes, I meant spoilers. One of my favorite scenes in Season 4 was the last few in the last episode, and it is obvious why. Fred Waterford and his narcissistic Christian wife, Serena Joy, are on trial for rape and for stealing a baby. Sound familiar? Serena passes off Baby Nicole as her own, even if the biological father is not Fred Waterford. Later it is revealed that the Waterfords committed war crimes for real. The American agent arrests Fred but the girls have an idea. First off, they know how to do a particicution, which is a system where the handmaids tear apart a guy for doing bad things. What bad things, you might ask? The bad things may include something like rape, touching a girl even in the wrong sense, child molestation, and many other crimes. Particicutions are done like this: the handmaids act all rabid and such at the sound of a whistle, and the guy is not to be left untouched, and all his limbs and genitals are torn apart. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Fred Waterford, but his makeshift wall is not coated with a symbol such as a triangle for being gay or a cross for being a priest, but a Latin phrase is written beneath Fred’s hanging corpse. It is satisfying to know that Fred and Serena are not only apart, but Serena gets herself pregnant by a donor’s sperm, further proof that Fred is a sterile man and can’t have kids. Serena Joy is a narcissistic woman in a lot of ways, including but not limited to wanting a baby so bad she’d change a country’s laws to get that done. She had written books, one being A Woman’s Place, but the Sons of Jacob decide that women can’t read or write. This is so antifem and puritan in nature that one would think that women are just the vessels for the Sons of Jacob.

Now, imagine for a moment that the Handmaid’s Tale was real. It isn’t too hard to do actually. Afghanistan is a true form of Gilead, and there are places in Europe deemed “no go” zones because of Islamic asylum seeker males harassing women, raping them, and doing general bad things that intimidate them into silence and freedoms are restricted for them. Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s book Prey describes so much of this, and even has references to “The Road to Gilead” at the conclusion of the main text. Ms. Hirsi Ali has repeatedly warned us that extremism in Islam could lead to the loss of rights for women and girls. She’s right. However, we don’t often pay attention to the extremism in Christian senses.

There is one flaw in the Handmaid’s Tale’s philosophy. One, the Sons of Jacob are to me akin to the Taliban, who are Muslim extremists who wish to forbid girls and women from being free and able to work. Girls in the current regime are expected to be sold off to Taliban fighters as breeders, but there is no mention of the actual work of handmaids. Who are handmaids anyway?

Let’s start with the book of Genesis. The book of Genesis is law in Gilead, so let’s start with the story of Jacob and his wives, Leah and Rachel. Jacob loved Leah and Rachel, but he had a special crush on Rachel. Leah, on the other hand, fought bitterly with her sister and Jacob felt ripped off because the father of them both gave Jacob Leah first. Rachel, on the other hand, says she feels unloved. There is something that occurs when Leah and Rachel duke it out. They use the maidservants, Bilha and Zilpha, to determine the bloodlines of their sons. Leah’s and Rachel’s maids are given to Jacob to sleep with and bear his children, thus the whole justification of the use of handmaids as a surrogate for those who can’t reproduce. Now, what’s wrong with this picture?

LEt’s pretend for a moment that I couldn’t bear children. My current love, Clayton, would never think like this, but let’s just forgive him if he sees this and thinks, what??????? Here’s the skinny: so pretend I can’t have kids, and in this reality, Clayton could potentially bed a woman outside the marriage if the woman was designated “ofClayton”, a handmaid, and the sex required is loveless, feelings mute, all that. According to one essay, the sex required and ceremony as it were feels a bit kinky. I don’t think this is rather kinky, but abusive. Clayton would never actually do this, but this is how it’s set up. The ceremony requirement is law, and also has within it a reading of the selected passages from Genesis justifying the rape of the women involved. The handmaids are educated at what we call the “red centers”, the Rachel and Leah centers formally. Rachel and Leah being the wives of Jacob fighting over the number and spacing of their own children, it seems fitting to name the red centers after them. All the handmaids give up their names, and as part of the contract, they are of whichever commander is lovelessly raping them at the moment. So, that is why I refuse to use the of names for the handmaids. I only make reference to them when someone else does, or if it fits a description.

Now, the big thing about this show you want to watch out for is there is a lot of wrong in Gilead, including child and spousal and female abuse. There is plenty to worry about, but like I said, one need not look too far to find human traffickers and woman haters like those of the Taliban, and the needless destruction of women’s lives is the fault of those who didn’t stand up.

As Elie Wiezel once said in a speech, silence is complicit and allows the oppressors to keep at it. This is quite a paraphrase, but it seems that in the backstory of the Handmaid’s tale, there was quite a bit of that. Silence because of the Gilead commanders and all other oppressive persons being so intimidating is quite common in wartime periods. The Taliban successfully silenced women and those who didn’t support them, making it illegal for women to work and do things outside the home. What could happen to the United States in the current state of things?

First, look at today’s abortion laws. In the Handmaid’s Tale, you can’t abort. Period, end of story, you cannot abort a baby because it is supposedly a gift from a God. Babies, mind you they are very cute, but they come with eighteen years of responsibility that not everybody’s ready for. Now, had anyone been aborted because of blindness, I wouldn’t have known them, but I so wish selective abortion was against the law anyway because India likes to think it is making a million men by aborting females or neglecting them to death. Blind girls are especially at risk. We know that infanticide also occurs among rich Indian families, especially when a midwife is directed to kill a female and they get paid extra for doing so. In Gilead, no baby is killed for any reason, and this I can agree with to a point. Babies are beautiful gifts from the Universe and should never be returned to such unless god forbid the mother’s life and health are at risk. Example, some women at my age, which is classified advanced maternal age, have very high pressure in the blood while giving birth, and in my dear aunt Viki’s case, they are bedridden while baby is gestating. This can be dangerous, and pregnancies are becoming a lot safer to carry for these women, and in fact there are women over forty having babies, and one woman in the Carolinas had her first child at nearly or over half a century old. However, forcing all women to carry babies is tantamount to turning all of us into vessels. Women are not vessels, we have brains, and we don’t like being classified as inferior. Women do not have drastically small brains, as one stupid man likes to believe. There are men who believe women are small brained to the point where they can’t make decisions or think for themselves. Women should and will not tolerate such acts of antifem belief on the part of men who don’t get it. I respect strong men, and I don’t mind having a man to guide me through life, but the most important thing about men that all women should know is that they and I desire a coequal relationship, and Clayton and I have such a relationship and it’s beautiful. However, if something went wrong, I would not know what to do these days. I don’t plan on things going wrong, but things tend to always go wrong. For one, some men aren’t strong enough to resist the pull of someone like a mother or father telling them that a girl is poison or toxic or a player. I was recently acccused of such by my former partner’s mother and grandmother. It is obvious that Trenton is standing with me, and he said it would not be feasible for him and Mom to see one another because of the way she’s handling me. She accused me of playing Trenton, but the truth is that Clayton treats me like a woman and a queen, which is possible for all men to do, but it all depends on environment.

Let’s get back to business here.

Abortion law is trying to create Gilead within the U.S.A., but Colorado women are saying no. If my baby is truly sick, if my baby truly can’t live outside the womb, Clayton would truly understand that. Abortion is a decision that should be made between a woman, her partner if applicable, and her doctors and treatment providers especially if the woman has no support from anyone, was raped, or has psychological implications from pregnancy resulting in possible honor killing or breakdown in the sense of mental state. Some women in Muslim society don’t believe they’re pregnant, and it’s obvious they don’t understand the mechanics of sex and pregnancy because it was hidden from them by family. Again, Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Her book Nomad points to a scenario in three words: sex, money, violence. The sex part is so detailed, the details of which range from who marries who, how marriages are performed and all that to the education on sex and how it intimidated Ayaan’s mother, Asha Artan Umar. Ms. Umar was highly intimidated by Ayaan’s and Haweya’s (Ayaan’s late sister) sex education so bad that she would hit both the girls. Parents, and I am talking to all parents, always educate your kids about sex and growing up and all the good stuff, but let’s add something you might not understand. Consent.

In the Handmaid’s Tale, June is in nonconsentual sexual relations with Fred Waterford and Joseph Lawrence, two commanders in Gilead who have barren wives. For Fred, the rape seems enjoyable, and June can’t stand Serena’s evident enjoyment of pinning the poor girl down on her back. In the miniature education the aunts give the potential handmaids, they say the basics of sex, but there is no mention of consent. Now, how such things compare in reality are obvious. Consent should be a big moral framework of relationships. I consent to Clayton every time and he does the same to me, but if a man comes in and tries to kiss me inappropriately, you can bet that isn’t consensual, and consent should be the one thing that guides relationships. I consented to love Trenton, and I would consent to play with him on occasion, but I would never want to be accused of playing him once again. In the Handmaid’s Tale, girls are trained to think that the nonconsensual sex is their “job.” Imagine thinking you’re in an army or you are the shock troops that raise the birth rate. You want a baby? Okay, hire a handmaid to do the shopping and all the dirty sex work. Even in a lack of consent, the girls are required to have sex with commanders they either don’t like or don’t even trust. I can say that this will likely cause a lot of the girls, should this be reality, to have loads of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I bet if Moira was a prison guard, I would have thought her able to cook up punishments on Fred Waterford and his delusional wife Serena. I wonder if Moira would suggest the particicution that brought Fred to a dead standstill.

IF there’s one commander I hate the most, it’s Winslow. George Winslow had his handmaid sealed by lip ring. The handmaid could not talk, she could only be fucked without consent. George Winslow is one of those commanders who comes in for inspection, and my favorite scene from season 3 was when Winslow met a very dire end. June had Winslow killed, and his body was disposed of and burned. Well, let this be a lesson to all guys who want to handle women that way. IF you’re George Winslow, you don’t get to choose whether your women talk. The women will come back and bite you in the ass.

IF there’s one commander I feel bad for, it’s Joseph Lawrence. Joseph didn’t seem to be a bad guy when Eleanor, his wife, liked both Emily and June. Joseph called June by her proper name because he actually respected her, and then he said, I was tempted by a faithless woman. the commanders tried to bomb Chicago and “give the insurgents a spanking.” This was season 4. Old Joe Lawrence was a very malleable guy however, and it took me a little bit to realize that Joe was too much. He had a resistance group in his house comprised of Marthas and Handmaids who’d had enough. I would do the same thing as Joseph, house a resistance, if I’d had enough. Believe me, the nonconsensual sex is the biggest issue I’d have in Gilead.

There’s another thing I want to point to. In season 2, Eden, who is an adolescent, is married forcefully to Nick blaine, a commander in the Gilead district. Eden however has other ideas, and is drowned for her relationship with Guardian Isaac. Both of them are thrown in the water, and they recite the biblical verses on love, which I found dramatic and rather touching. Love is not allowed in Gilead, which makes it all the worse. Eden Blaine doesn’t bear children, doesn’t have the fortitude to leave, and she is only about 13 or so when she’s married. Adolescents and theier husbands are told by the minister in Gilead, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Many evangelical Christian churches go by this and it makes me want to barf. The other phrases in genesis that are quoted have to do with women being subject to their husbands’ wishes and desires, and this gem which says, “YOu shall be subject to your husband, and he shall rule over you.” I wrote the not so flowery version of that one here. These girls are very young, perhaps 13 to 15 years of age, when they are forced to get married to these old and seasoned men. I would never want my child getting married at that age. When I was 15, for example, I was in high school, doing band and such. Marriage would require me to drop out of school, and just like that, so many child brides do. The taliban has forbidden education with any intent for girls to work. The Taliban have also probably forbidden love, they might as well have forbidden romance. All that seems to have been forbidden in extremism of any religious thinking, Islam or Christianity.

I have mixed feelings about Aunt Lydia. I also have such about one woman who died while giving birth to Commander Matthew Calhoun’s child. I do not have a name for this woman, but I dare not say the handmaid’s patriarchal “of” name again out of respect. This woman betrayed handmaids, was shot at a dedication of a red center, and furthermore, she had seizures and was kept alive until her baby was born. This woman wouldn’t have lasted, but the Calhouns had a child out of it. All the handmaids had to stay and watch and pray for this despicable woman, and I felt a bit sorry for her as her baby was removed from her body, premature and unable to feed as well as he should. Calhoun had a son.

The Handmaid’s Tale overall is a riveting roller coaster ride. I would ride it again, but it was quite long and four seasons later, the conclusion is quite satisfying. I did mention Fred dropped dead? He did indeed, in a ravine, during what you’d call a particicution style killing. The Americans and Canadians were unwilling or unable to bring Waterford to justice, so justice, as so happens to be in this case, was carried out in the best poetic way possible. I can’t fathom the Latin on the bottom of fred’s gallows, but I wonder if those gallows would be a lesson to all those who try and force girls into believing in something they don’t, and further than this, I would hope that Fred’s gallows teach all of us that no matter what a regime does to women, no matter how you try to bring a group down, love and right always win. Good and love and all the right stuff usually and about 99% of the time always always wins.

To watch the Handmaid’s Tale, if you haven’t seen it, just subscribe to Hulu for $5 a month or if you have certain deals in carrier phone plans, do use such deals and take advantage of the Disney bundle, but beware of ESPN. I hate ESPN and all things sports, namely because my family would obsess and do things and worship it.

Disclaimers are interwoven throughout this entry so taht I can readily guide my audience. Thank you for reading my blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook and Twitter.

Thank you so much to those who have supported me, including Clayton and Trenton, and all of my dear friends who say that I should take my talents far. I love you all and can’t wait to do more.

Beth

My Fight for Housing Fairness, Denver

Dear readers,m

Imagine you’re in danger of being evicted, all because your former boyfriend is living with you and you can’t just move out. My former boyfriend could steal and or take my place away from me. This is unfair housing, and furthermore, the management at my building refuses to accommodate a blind applicant, so we’re going to have them cut him away and in front of everybody else because they violated in gross negligence the Fair Housing Act and they did it willfully and knowingly, so we’re going to mediate if possible with the courts involved in any case if that’s what it has to be. The building refused to convert documents my boyfriend, Clayton, needed and dropped a bombshell on him about a 3.5 year waiting list that is unfairly administered, and we’re hoping that we’ve got company here. We’re going to make sure that the snitches and bad residents get evicted first, if anything. I can’t be evicted from my apartment because, for one I’m female, blind, and at risk of rape and pregnancy by rape especially if it’s a bad person who wants to put their stuff in me and not my boyfriend, Clayton, who wishes to have his family with me. I don’t want anyone else’s kids, or someone to go, “Oh, I wanna meet my son/daughter,” and then go as far as ask for custody. Some damn sadistic men are like that, and I don’t want any sadistic assholes touching me. I know Clayton would protect me at all costs, but I can’t go back to Florida at any rate because of white supremacist culture, white supremacist and antigay legislation, the attacks on Disney and such, and all other things wrong with the state. Anyone who suggests I let my own family coddle and or make decisions for me should go hike off a cliff because my family is white supremacist, whether they like it or not. The attacks on Disney are clearly a sign that my family and other white folks like it that way. Disney is woke, and the family and other people in my life don’t respect that. Disney is also within their rights not to support a governor who is gangly and dangerous, who is nonwoke and not able to discern the anger coming from the gay community. LGBTQIA+ individuals should not be running scared, and Clayton himself knows this all too well. He’s strong in advocating for black folks’ interests, and even after Trenton, so am I. I’m going to continue the work, even if it makes me sick to have to tell my family they aren’t my family anymore. I have to cut them off because Clayton and I don’t want them messing around with our kids, our grandkids, etc etc. I can’t have people who have the audacity to create and orchestrate an abusive guardianship and keep it for years having anything to do with kids of the same person they victimized. It is disgusting to me that fair housing doesn’t wanna investigate our claim. We need the fair housing complaint to be investigated soon as possible, and the mediation needs to happen soon. For one, I’m not going to risk being evicted, and not have a stable address. For two, this building’s 3.5 year wait list is a testament to the level of discrimination it is having for seniors and blind and disabled adults alike. Clayton and I want to be able to forge a life together, and if anyone says we should not or can’t, just shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about, doing, etc.

For those who do not support myself and Clayton, here’s a hint when saying anything. Don’t. We can’t have anything to hide, but we also have a serious risk of eviction. It’s not fair to me that I can’t just swap roommates and they have to prioritize Trenton and give him an independent place to live, and no they will not make Clayton wait 3.5 years to live with me. That is the problem, he can’t fill out the application independently of help from sighted folks, which is a boon to him. He can’t be forced to take that option, a PDF file being image based. The file should be tagged for accessibility, fillable by accessible means, but no, this management says they won’t convert this. I’m going to have them sit down with us and discuss the issues going forward, and for Trenton, he needs an independent place to live regardless of whether one is available for a senior or a mobility impaired person, in fact prioritize Trenton over everybody else because you violated his rights by making him rely on someone who could be less trustworthy, not that our caregiver is or isn’t, but the risk is there. She’d have taken Trenton’s sensitive and personal information and squandered it or misused it. There are people who will tell you I can’t help blind people fill out paperwork, and that’s a direct quote from a former aid. Unfortunately, this building has targeted me for being blind, depressed, and under a parental guardianship or the victim of guardianship abuse and I survived it. I am no longer spiritually committed to Trenton, and can’t. I can’t commit to someone who isn’t romantically attracted to me, and that’s the fact. Trenton is in bed right now, but he’s threatening to leave, go to Mother, Downing, or a shelter. This is unsafe all around for him, and a lawyer should be there to make sure the building does the right thing by him, and I want him to have a one bedroom or studio so that Trenton can have what he wants, have a good life, and have a roof over his head like everybody else. He can’t earn money, won’t get a job, and I need a stable address to get a job period. IF I raise my money and get and earn enough, I want a houser. Houses are the only place Clay will raise a family, and we’re serious. This apartment building and others will be in deep trouble for violating Fair Housing standards, and this building needs to start caring about who lives here, including Trenton, Clayton, and myself. My good friend art is concerned of course, but everybody is, and the snitches should stop while they’re behind. Police and people responsible for legal eviction should stop and realize what they will be doing if they legally evict a blind person and couple. They will be dealing with homelessness, and nobody will help a blind young couple who’s homeless, they will only toss Clayton in Rescue Mission and me in some women’s shelter, I will not take it. So if you wish to see us evicted, just go. Go yourself. Take a trip to those homeless shelters, look at men who can’t see themselves doing things. I was friends with a homeless man named Eldon, and he was great. He was serious about getting an office job, and he was in an office job prep program with me. The big problem with Eldon was that he didn’t have much to do at the shelter, and had to stay there. He didn’t have a house or apartment, didn’t have stable housing. I didn’t know this, but Eldon was resourceful and able to attain resources. That isn’t always true of homeless people. Trenton is blind and has mild CP, which could make him a liability in some companies’ eyes. It will take more than Clayton’s 3000 applications a year to find a job, especially because Trenton has comorbid disabilities. No charity or church is set up to handle this complicated web of stuff. The only ones who are set up to handle this are creedal churches who wish to make you convert. This is religious suicide. I am a Unitarian Universalist, and there’s seemingly nothing for me as I will be homeless soon. IF this building does not cooperate with us as blind people, we will make sure they pay up monetary damages and do the things we ask, including properly give a one bedroom to Trenton and one to Jay, our neighbor, who is trying to get one but says they rent to people he doesn’t know.

The facts of the case are attached to a complaint that was filed, and the complaint states that the laundry facilities are inaccessible except through visual interpretive services, but Clayton doesn’t follow that philosophy, and furthermore, the locker keys are unlabeled. Some of the keys have Braille labels missing, while the boxes in locker rows are Brailled, but not everything is Brailled. There’s also a plaque missing on Floor number 3, and it should have the print and braile floor number there, but it doesn’t. There are problem areas, all of which deal with blindness, but the discrimination is heavy and needs to stop there while the management is behind. The property manager and assistant manager are about to get something. Something will hit them, and there’s no solution. IF they want their rules, they need to bend the rules because we have a situation with Clayton being independent minded as he is, and he could potentially save the residents. He could save those blind people a lot of trouble, and I am tempted to call the CCB so that they will do what is right and help.

To Clayton, I love you dearly, and keep up the fighting, and we will fight and we will rise. IF these people think they can just toss you in a shelter, fuck Trenton over and all of this, they’ve got another thing coming. I will forever be your warrior queen. Just keep your head up and we’ll stop this mess while it’s creeping around.

With love,

Beth

MY New Life

Dear readers,

I’d like to come forth and tell you all that Trenton, while we’ve split amicably, is still my friend and perhaps he could be a great roommate. Clayton, on the other hand, wants to be my partner, so yeah, I am letting him do this. I will be Clayton’s lover, partner, friend, and loyal supporter. Clayton Jacobs has done something else as well, he’s confessed he loved me, wants to stand by and let me be me. HE looks and acts like the stuff of dreams: he’s sweet, funny, brave, strong, true, loyal, fun to be around, and some aspects of him require a good sense of humor. Clayton is also a very handsome guy, some of my fans here have noticed that Clayton is a handsome guy. Five feet ten inches, very sleek, reddish blonde hair thicker than normal for a typical white guy but that’s great actually, beautiful blue eyes, a big smile every time I notice him and I did so at the airport. His face is beautiful, I’ve even touched it, it’s just pretty awesome looking. His nose is bigger and more prominent than mine, but oh well. Mine is a bit short, but he has this long narrow nose and he has a lovely sense of who he is, and he’s very grounded with what he wants to do.

For those of you wondering, no, I’m not kicking Trenton to the curb the way others do. I’m advocating for Trenton and I to continue being friends, continue being roommates if possible here, but here’s the kicker: Clayton and I want to continue being partnered with each other and stay for life. I just hope this doesn’t break, and moreover, I want Clayton to be my protector, lover, and friend for life. We both want the same things, we both have the mindset to get this done, and he is sweeter than candy. I’ll never forget the night I came home with him from Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport to the town or city of Mesa, Arizona, and we noticed each other. Should I say? Well, his hips are very strong, his whole body close to mine was like being placed in a rocket ship, about to launch into outer space, or deep space perhaps. When we first kissed, held each other, made love with one another, we were soaring high above what was possible for me, especially me, at this time. His life is my life, we are the reflections of each other, but for me, he is the strength I need to get going in life. MY parents certainly don’t need to know what is going on between myself and Clayton, and we’re going to rock this life together like nobody else.

The one thing I want us both to do is heal from whatever traumas but especially for Clayton, I want him to know that there is nothing more awesome than the good things about him. HE has had a toxic and rather violent upbringing, which could have translated to something worse for both of us, I won’t go into details. Most kids from violent homes become violent adults, but not this guy. HE at least has the determination to heal and become someone worth the time of others, to become a strong and best version of himself. I’m proud of him and I’m also proud to say he’s moving to Denver, will obtain a counselor for solo therapy, and eventually we’ll do couples counseling so that we can navigate each other’s particular lives together, heal together, and become stronger and better and break this cycle. I do not under any circumstances want a father, I said, I wanted a guy who would treat me with love and kindness. Clayton is kind, sweet, intelligent, smart, a bit sassy or should I say rebellious? He’s a rebel in all senses of the word, but the best thing about him is he’s willing to admit his faults, and together, we will rise. You know what I mean when I say we will rise? We will, indeed and forever, rise.

I want to let you guys know how we all got started. I can vaguely remember five years ago and I’ve told this story before, but if you haven’t checked out his Twitter space, you don’t know the story. First, I wrote something on Facebook about girls being labeled bossy and boys being labeled leaders, etc etc. Clay supported me all the way, and even if we had fights and differences, he always seemed to come right back around and touch my heart. Five years later, well, it all began with a breakup on his end. He broke up with a prior partner, and this partner wasn’t very close to him in the end because the guy was apathetic toward him. I won’t write down this guy’s name out of respect, but Clayton carried on. I said to him one day I’d give him a lot of affection, love, and all the stuff and what have you he wanted. On Clayton’s twitter space last night, he was all, “I saw her and it was like Bam, she’s the one.” Clayton and I are excited to begin this long and eventually prosperous journey, and I’m excited too because now, I get to kiss the love of my life at New Year’s Eve parties, I get to make love to a guy who has never tried to throw me out, and he understands how the abuse has affected me as well. NOt his, but my own. I have had unhealed relationship traumas because of past boyfriends who were just plain stupid, either they were stupid or unwilling to give themselves to me the way Clayton has done so lovingly. HE has the love in his heart to do things, and he has taken steps to make sure we can have a life together. Clayton and I are very close to being together at last, forever perhaps. I don’t know if there is such thing as till death do we part though, because marriage is fleeting so much so in my opinion, Trenton and I at least did not have a full legal wedding. I was never Mrs. Trenton Matthews, so to be honored with a name like Mrs. Clayton Jacobs, this is a big huge step. I don’t want to jump the gun on Clayton, but he did say he’d marry me, and it was only a matter of when. I’m excited but I’m not gonna reveal any more detail about any such things, not yet.

What I do know is that taking his name would be a big honor, and it would be a bigger honor to carry the little lives that he and I create. It does take two to tango. Furthermore, Clayton has the best personality that matches mine. I am a bit scared of posting this because I don’t know what he’ll think when he sees this. I’ve had people tell me that I shouldn’t be with Clayton, or should be exclusive to Trenton. I was tempted to close the door too, after a young lady from Georgia suggested that mine and Clayton’s relationship should fail. Well, she’s gone from my pages, gone from my phone, I can’t stand this woman anymore.

As for the unhealed relationship trauma, Clayton is one who wants to help me overcome and conquer all the traumatic stuff from Jason, Blake, and Joey. Unlike Jason, Blake and Joey, Trenton is not leaving my side yet. He’s never going to, even when I give birth to child number 1 or 2. Who knows. I don’t want to have more than 2 unless I have money to handle it all. Clayton wants to invest and work and all of that. I can’t wait to start my life with Clayton, and he can’t wait to do this either. We’re going to be a great team, and Clayton is going to be the best teammate and lover and friend I could ever ask for. HE is though wilder than the roses on the prairie in Iowa, he has the gentlest aura and most awesome way of saying I love you in so many different ways. We’re not exactly lost on the Southwest United States and the best cuisine is here in Arizona or colorado. I am sitting in my apartment in Colorado, and Clayton has the best outlook on moving to Denver, he’s going to hang with me and we’ll just have so much fun together. He’s been a tower of strength, an anchor even when Trenton and I were having arguments, fights, and the like. I didn’t want to reveal things because Trenton and I truthfully have a good friendship. We will not stop being friends, but Mom doesn’t think we should even have anything to do with each other. What does she know, however? Guardianizing Trenton was definitely not smart, and he is not a guardianized man, he’s free to make decisions, and Mom should realize that. I have a few things to say now.

Clayton, my beloved one, you are the best thing that’s ever happened, and I wasn’t expecting you to be so up front with me. You’ve been the best I’ve ever seen, heard, tasted, all of that. IF I had written a juicy romance novel earlier, I would have made you my main character. Perhaps I could, but I’m not a reader of romance. However, you are the sower of my plants, the tender of my garden, and many wild roses shall I bring forth to you, many more I will plant too. You and I will blossom into something special, beautiful, and truie. I love you.

Beth

The Fickle bitches of Humanity and Society: Something I Discovered While At the Airport

Dear Readers,

I’m writing to you all here live in Arizona, while spending time with Clayton, and now I have something I ought to tell you all. There are a lot of fickle bitches in humanity, and you could have named a billion of those. But here they are.

1. Real estate is a fickle bitch, right, Kelly and mac?

2. Credit cards and all things financial seem fickle to me.

3. The dog industry. If you buy a puppy for your kiddos, you will find they could be a lemon, and they still wanna sell you a half dead puppy. Its a fickle bitch, quite literally, if you can’t buy a puppy that’s healthy enough to survive the shipping process and not be marked up to a high price. Better, just get a dog from a shelter.

4. Weddings. If you wanna get married to your sweetheart, you’re better off doing it without all the fickle pricing on things like wedding tea and party favors for guests, better yet they tell you to do it in a courtroom with a justice of the peace. The thing is it’s fickle because disabled adults can’t and won’t do such things until SSI and SSDI is deemed an equal to those who earn money through jobs. We are subject to financial penalty, so weddings are more than just a fickle bitch. They are such an evil fickle bitch that they’re not worth spending your money on.

5. Movie theater tickets are a real fickle bitch. How much would you pay for movie tickets today versus the movie tickets yesteryear? Yep, that’s why movie theater stuff is a fickle bitch. Movie popcorn isn’t fresh, either. So go for the nachos. Oh wait, nachos aren’t fresh either, I’d rather make those with killer cheese and not the fickle ass cheese sauce they put on chips. To do real nachos, add beans, meat, and other stuff.

6. Customer service is a fickle bitch. Try calling your computer store or manufacturer and asking for help. Try going to a store to shop, only to have someone rip you off. Either way, customer service is a real fickle bitch. I can’t stand when they refuse services to me as a blind person, and it makes me sick when they don’t help Clayton until I or someone else speaks up. It’s a real fickle thing.

Well, I’m done here. So Im going to stop right. here and I’ll explore more of the fickle bitches of man.

Down to the Last Day

Dear readers,

I’m writing you all to inform you that I did not exactly go to any bar last night. I couldn’t. Trenton, my beloved man of seven years straight, is sensitive to loud noises and crowds, so we opted out. It was a bummer, but I couldn’t have done service tasks with all that music. Oh well. My buddy was on bass, and he played with a country band, but I’ll still be supportive of this band and all its endeavors. I hope they chart and do successful stuff.

In other news, it is Autism Acceptance month. Why not awareness, you ask? For the same reason I want to be accepted, loved, and adored, autistics deserve the same things. Humanity is a fickle bitch, it does not like to accept problems or quirks about people and such. There are many fickle bitches in humanity, but the ficklest bitch in humanity is the unacceptable behaviors of its members. One of those things is called ableism, and it permeates every aspect of society.

Here are some examples of ableism, and how I’ve dealt with those. Believe me, it ain’t easy.

  1. I have been accused at a Walmart in Lakewood, Colorado, of harassing customers when the management couldn’t get help for me. Nobody cared. Nobody looked my way. I ended up calling a buddy of mine, one who lives in the Golden/Jefferson County area, and 20 minutes later, she arrived at the store to help me shop. Since then, I don’t go to that Walmart or even bother calling because the last time I called, nobody picked up. This Walmart has a long way to go to accepting blind customers, especially those on EBT food stamps. Making us get a subscription is not gonna solve the problem of ableism and unacceptable people in the store calling me out for harassment.
  2. There are places and establishments where broken accessibility things exist. When it comes to restaurant menus, for example, my beloved Trenton and I have been to places where the menus look like shit. Well, okay, the binding is falling apart, the Braille itself has been riddled with oopses, like errors in the Braille exist too many times to count, and here’s this former Braille proofist saying this. I have had to tell my former boss that there are so many weird format inconsistencies, point them out, and so on. I could write a novel in which all the menus I’ve seen had this problem or that problem, but I digress.
  3. Another thing I notice is that kiosks are not usable by blind and visually impaired people. Blind folks, especially Clayton and myself, have encountered places and casual eating establishments other than the McDonald’s somewhere or other, that have these awful kiosk thingies, and they aren’t usable. I’m this close to saying that we should ban all inaccessible tech including these kiosks, especially when it pertains to blindness. Blindness ought not to be a barrier to inclusion in society.
  4. Now, besides blindness, let’s get to ableist assumptions about autism. First off, cars drive too fast. Some autistics bolt, and they run off. That’s good if the place they go to is not the highway. So my late friend would put her daughter in a large carriage so she didn’t have to walk around not feeling safe. The mother needed peace of mind. I get it. Some autistics just get damn overwhelmed by the sensory overload that some places have. Now, here’s something that could help with this. Quiet rooms do help a bit, but there needs to be more of those.
  5. Autistics are said not to have “good” social skills. Who cares. Autistics have special subjects they enjoy. They have quirky by nature behaviors, but what are we doing? We are enabling killers to fix them by making them nonexistent. Case in point, the Disability Day of Mourning put on by a lot of people across the country. People hold vigils in honor of autistics who die of what’s called vilicide, and my buddy Arielle Silverman, author and blogger on Disability Wisdom, has covered this subject a lot. Dr. Silverman says that vilicide often gets different sympathetic responses but all for the killer, not the autistic victim. This is dangerous and lethal ableism. My friends with autism can understand.
  6. Ableism enables abuse. Every form of ableism here, trust me, will enable abuse. Abuses range from isolation from friends and family, isolation from the outside world in general, and limits on what you can wear, what you can do, and be. Imagine though if you were LGBTQIA+ and autistic. In specific categories, like transgender folks with autism, there are limits on healthcare now based on hateful assumptions and perverted thoughts about these people, but autistics with preferences other than the heteronormative ones are deemed unacceptable, and therefore abused, go back to the prior entry for talk of vilicide. In any case, if one is transgender, of color, and disabled, society doesn’t like that. Who cares.
  7. Ableism can also have a huge impact on education. Let’s take the learning of Braille for instance. Braille is literacy, I’m not gonna lie. IF not for Braille, I wouldn’t have won 13th in my county for spelling bees, don’e super well in spelling, grammar, and other things. My mother even relied on me to help her compose essays in e-prime methodology, where you don’t write the verbs and conjugal words for the words “to be”, the state of being is out so yeah. My mother was proud of me for having composed essays, and I compose regularly here on this blog. However, Braille enabled me to also understand paragraphs, sentence structure, and many other things. Braille is also a helpful labeling tool, organizing my CD catalogue being a good example. I had all kinds of labels on CD’s and my CD’s were labeled and alphabetized according to genre, artist, or group. Holy moly, I had thousands perhaps that amount of CD’s was a bit much, but you’re talking to a musical guru here.
  8. Ableism and education part 2. So if you don’t know Braille as a blind person, you can’t function as well. I’ve also wanted to point out that too many schools think Braille is inferior. Like what the hell is inferior about Braille? Nothing. Louis Braille, a French born blind schoolboy, invented this dot writing system so we blind folks wouldn’t have to depend so heavily on sighted assistance, but we still have a long way to go. Clayton and I have experienced countless forms of discrimination and nobody knows what to do with us because we say, well, as a good example, where is the Braille signage for bathrooms? Clayton and I don’t want to find each other in a woman’s restroom, but if we don’t have a way to read a sign that says “women” or “men”, someone will look Clayton in the face and say, “Get the hell out. This is the girls/women’s bathroom.” But I could give you a whole list of other uses of Braille people aren’t looking at. Example, Braille cards. If a group of blind people want to play, you get a bunch of Braille playing cards, right? Wrongo. It’s harder to do than you think. Uno is fun, but I haven’t played in a long while, but I do know how to do it. But I want to be able to participate in things. So the best thing a retailer can do is sell Braille playing cards. Imagine I had a poker night at my house. Clayton and Trenton join me at the table. Let’s imagine I said, “Let’s play five card stud.” I do that right away, and the cards tell you if it’s a queen of clubs, for example. Maybe if I had two more or no more than four, I’d play hearts. Someone has to play the two of clubs first, then you just do strategy based on the cards you have. IF you have to break hearts, hearts are broken when you put a 2 of hearts on the pile. The deck for this game is split in to four sections. See? Braille has lots of uses. But people aren’t getting that. While TVI’s and professional aids who work with blind students are getting less and less cool, let’s also do something I’ll highlight below.
  9. Blind people should be teaching each other. Ableism has allowed sighted supremacy to pervade the career market for teachers of visually impaired and special education. This is a dire thing, and dire needs are being known forever. For special education teachers, we need folks who are disabled themselves teaching others. Blind people have specific needs, including a Braille teacher, someone to show them tech, someone to teach them proper and good ways to cook and manage a place of their own, and much more, and I did get all that at a place that does hire blind folks. Colorado Center for the Blind, while under investigation for banning people for reporting perverts, is however bad it may seem, a good place to begin. I want to see empowerment on all sides for blind folks, especially in tech. See below.
  10. Blind people need a society that doesn’t put barriers in front of which technology they use because one piece of tech isn’t an option because it doesn’t talk. Examples, Android versus iPhone. I could go on and on and on. Android has come a long way, but when I first saw it, cheap it may have been, but accessible to the point it is now? No it wasn’t. I also have to worry about cooking appliances, healthcare devices, and other things not being usable for me, and some brands are simply better than others. IF I had diabetes, I would need an insulin pump as an option, but guess what? The only way I can ingest insulin now is with a needle, ewww. I don’t like needles, and they can hurt people if placed in the garbage. Insulin pumps, however, are inaccessible, and sighted assistance is often required to make the pump change doses and such. I do know of one thing called the freestyle Dexcon, which can sit on your arm and the app is fully usable, but that just tests your glucose, and that’s fine but no needles and pricking for me. Management of other healthcare needs can be a challenge for us too. My buddy Ray uses a feed tube to keep herself alive and sane. Her feed pump just beeps, and she frequently needs help with that and formula for her feeds needs to be placed in the right area. Every time I get a new piece of technology, I have to ask myself, how the fuck do I use it? Since manuals are written in print, not often Braille, I do the smart thing and look those things up online. I have to place my faith in humanity that the damn websites and manuals for peripherals and tech are readable by Voiceover which is my screen reading software of choice.
  11. Ableism messes with people who can’t walk or stand. Let’s picture if someone wanted to use the bathroom. What happens often is there’s just one damn handicapped/accessible bathroom suite. It’s huge, which works not only for wheelchair folks, but claustrophobic people. Universal accessibility of bathrooms isn’t the only thing. Housing and such has no idea how expensive it is to put a bar on a wall of a bathroom. Suppose someone got paralyzed by birth or in an accident, and required special care. If there were less barriers in housing, ableism being the top reason for this, caregivers wouldn’t necessarily be a need. Take my friends Patrick and Jessica. They’re wheelchair users, one with MD, muscular dystrophy and another with limbs that won’t straighten. Patrick Henry Hughes needs a big house with bars on the walls, and should be given the architecture and supports to do the stuff he loves. Same with his now beloved wife Jessica, who has the same if not differing needs. The two of them could choose a barrier free housing place, but that is expensive. Luckily, Patrick got support from a TV show, supportive family, and so much more. That doesn’t always happen for people with MD and CP and other conditions that require or sometimes necessitate the use of a chair. The chair can mean any number of conditions, but the main thing is architecture of buildings must meet disability friendly guidelines, and there is a pocket of society that doesn’t accept. How can we do better? First and foremost, well, we need to build access into everything from the ground up.

I’d like to dedicate this post to all my disabled buddies and congratulate the people who get married in my community. However, ableism has another awful sinister undertone. Marriage equality with benefits attached does not extend to disabled people. If Clayton marries me, he loses about half of what he earns in SSI benefits, may lose medicaid and many other things. I might get jacked as well. Clayton knows the system better than I do. IF a spouse makes more than a partner with a disability, all bets are off that the disabled people married here are so out of luck. Their check is cut, and they have no choice but to starve, dress in rags, or worse, fight the system and lose. I want ableism to go away in that regard because we shouldn’t have to choose love and lose money.

Thank you so much for reading, all. I will be flying out tomorrow and I can’t wait. I cannot wait so much, and Clayton is really excited too. HE’s a very excited and happy camper, and I can’t wait to join him on some adventurous travels. I guess it’s bon voyage to me.

Beth

My Vacation and the Rules for Reaching the Denver Queen

Dear readers,

For eight long and epic days, I will join Clayton on the front lines in Arizona, fighting with him, alongside him, and we will join forces for some real epic good days ahead. I will not be taking calls, but here’s the deal. I know sometimes money is short, sometimes it’s just awful. I want to take care of myself, Clayton, and Trenton and tonight, as I type this, we’re going on a little date to a bar so that I can support a buddy of mine on bass guitar in some country band. This guy’s better known for his steel guitar work, but hell, I wanna see him do some good work on whatever instrument he plays. Musicians are cool and such.

So here are the rules for the trip I swear y’all are gonna need to follow.

  1. No calls, unless you’re bleeding, dying, relative is bleeding or dying, or a mutual friend is bleeding or dying.
  2. No hate speech comments on any social media will be tolerated.
  3. Don’t make eyes at me, I’m not interested in anyone but Trenton or Clayton at this moment.
  4. IF you want Trenton to make you coffee and I’m not there, you may text me.
  5. Don’t text me if you are a weirdo who has previously had issues with me.
  6. Text me if you need to talk but my work is limited as I will focus my attention and resources on Clayton.
  7. Don’t try to interrupt a meal.
  8. Please if you’re gonna text me, don’t send pics.
  9. This applies to gents, don’t send dick pics at all. I don’t care if I know you from Adam, just don’t.
  10. I’m not going to sext any weirdos in my circle, so if you think you’re gonna mess with me that way, you can’t.

Those are the ten rules I will follow on the vacation. This is going to be pretty cool, honestly, and I hope to the universal God that I’m going to survive this.

I love you all and will continue to write my blog as I did years ago with Blake, but this time, I’m going to have a folding keyboard with me, so yeah. Y’all behave and I’ll be back in Denver in eight days.

Beth

My Blog on the Magic Keyboard for Mackintosh

Dear readers,

I’m using a wireless keyboard to type on my Mac today. I unplugged the windows keyboard, but yeah, I’ve got my whole mac and all the peripherals out here in this the fair living room of the Denver Queen. I’m sitting in my rolling chair, but if I were to do hands on teaching, piano that is, I probably would not be able to teach such because no piano bench proper. We could of course get the bench to my house or apartment when I get back from Arizona. Yes, you heard right. Going to Arizona to visit my dearly beloved Clayton, and my feelings are just running crazy. We have such deep conversations my brain goes ballistic, and my thinking is turned on, supercharged. I can’t imagine what kind of weirdness awaits me there in Arizona, but I hope it’s nothing serious. Clayton is a sweet and gentle person with a big golden heart who’s been through too damn much. Perhaps I deserved it after much fallout with guys like Jason, Joey, and Blake. It’s much deserved after all the homies there in Arizona and Georgia failed me so bad it wasn’t funny.

About the Arizona trip, though, I’m having fun figuring out what the hell to pack and what not to check in my suitcase. Damn, Southwest doesn’t allow self defense sprays in anything. Ugh. Like how are women supposed to protect themselves? Women are supposed to be able to protect and defend themselves from rape, but that’s a battle I can’t fight right now. What I’m seriously worried about is meeting Clayton for the first time in my whole life and I hope it goes the way he and I both need it to go. I hope he’s happy with me, happy as hell. He’s going to be super happy to see me, and maybe we’ll have a ball, maybe it’ll crumble like beef in a pot. But I don’t know, I will never know for sure but when it comes down to it, Clayton and Trenton both love me to death, and they both need something special to happen. Clay lived because he fought to live, and Trenton thinks he doesn’t deserve me, but I said, love doesn’t deserve anyone, but I’ve always known that love doesn’t care where you live, it finds you and pulls you to a person or people. I think I found my crew, both of them, and I have a really good connection with someone who’s happy to show me stuff. I want to one day make a mountain of cupcakes and such, arrange my home in a big way, and have some parties and such. Trenton and I want a house, but this baby right now is not a real baby human being. I’m here to also say I have a full piano once again, and I hope things go good between me and the piano. I want to lay out some tracks and such, and I’ll even go so far as to email or cloud space those things if there’s a collaborator on it. I want to record something, and maybe Clayton would do a feature on one of my own tracks. I do want to be able to connect my midi stuff to the Mac, do things on it, all that stuff. Now it’s possible because my new piano has midi capability, and it’s awesome. Just plain awesome. Everybody’s happy that I have this, and one of my good friends who’s helping me get this good job says that now I have new toys to play with. Ha ha, I say. Toys? I don’t quite know about that, but toys? Nothing in my apartment so far is a toy, but you wanna see real toys? Check out a Barbie collection of some girl, and you get real toys. What about Hot Wheels for you males and those who identify as the type who likes action and such? What about plushies for those who really like to cuddle and such? Those are good toys, and there’s the wild and weird kind, like dildos and such. I’m not saying I would never have toys, but I might play with one if that means total stimulation. Yeah, I’m a wild child, but I don’t care.

I’m very happy to say that this blog is going to be updated almost every day in Arizona, almost. I want to journal about this trip, and you all will hear different things about this trip. I hope it goes super well, and we click like we do online. Clayton has never indicated he intended to turn his back on me, not once. He knows I’ve been more loyal and fiercely protective of him because I care that much, we’ve both been through shit, we know what it is like. We know what it is to have nobody at your back, nobody having your support and nobody caring a bit about you. I’m serious. I have a big problem with people if they don’t realize that Clayton’s sweet and funny and smart and intelligent, if they continually violate his rights and responsibly tell him they aren’t interested in seeing his rights are acknowledged. His dealings with bad people are just as you’d expect from any human being. The big thing is that people need to quit threatening this guy, making his life hard, and violating his rights. They need to quit. Period. HE deserves freedom from being in the so called sighted world, and I’m ready to embrace anything to make sure my life is full and happy and that my kids’ lives are full and happy. Did I mention kids?

I want to start a family, and that in and of itself isn’t just an act of rebellion, it’s a damn act of revolution in my opinion. Kids with a blind mother and father is a total act of rebellion against years of abuse, neglect, isolation, threats, and other problems. My parents will never know their grandkids by me, but even Trenton’s mom is better than most for the role of grandmother, and she’d make an excellent black elder woman figure in my kids’ lives. She has a few things going, a good job, a good life, two fluffy kitty cats, and a good son. What else could she want? Kids? Grandkids? I figured this would happen, but because I’m helping Clay get the house he wants, I’m helping him with his tracks and albums, I’m helping him with stuff, maybe the whole relationship between us is not suspicious. It’s good, trust me, and Trenton is a good man, and he’ll have the opportunity provided he doesn’t snore too loudly and I think I activated the Snoring Loudly Beta too many times to count.

For those who wonder, Clayton is experienced and wise, strong and true and a loyal friend. What else could I ask for? With him and Trenton on my team, I couldn’t ask for better. Then there’s all my other goofball friends. I have friends who call me funny names, one calls me a goofball and laughs weird. But I’ll intro you guys to him with his consent. Well, okay, you heard him on the Throne Room with Beth Taurasi when he played the harmonica. My buddy Joseph played the harmonica because that’s what he does. He loves playing that instrument, and I’d have him play it for me sometime if he could please get a full on harmonica and not just one of them tiny bars.

Then there’s all my other friends who are just plain weird. I have friends who have terrible senses of humor. Well, not terrible, but dark and dry and wild. Take my buddy Jessie. He’s got this crazy sick sense of humor, and Trenton and Jessie put together in a room would be fatal. I mean fatal. They’d be in the room talking, and Jessie might utter a messy ass sexy joke or two, and Trenton would echo the same joke, and laugh his ass off. That’s how bad Jessie’s humor is, but it’s irresistible. Writing this blog couldn’t be more fun without Jessie to light things up.

So what am I grateful for today? Well, here are five things I am grateful for today:

  1. I’m grateful for the weather. As much as I despise talk of weather related subjects, the weather today was actually a lucky strike. Yes, not a cigarette, but a lucky strike in that the sun was shining and the air was cool and comfortable, and it felt awesome.
  2. I am grateful for my beloved guys. Both are funny, intelligent, and sweet, and present a good balance of strength and gentleness I cannot imagine life without.
  3. I’m also grateful for music, and the ability to play a weighted hammer piano. It’s amazing, and I can’t wait to record my whole life story on this thing.
  4. I’m grateful that I have been given the gift of life but moreover, this grateful thought is about the gift of song. And the gift of empathy. I’m grateful for the ability to see the things people need and to be able to meet those needs. Example, Clayton wants to lay down some tracks and have some serious fun. I hope we can eventually use Garage Band to do such.
  5. As much as I want to say I’m grateful for books, that’s what I’m grateful for. Books. I love books, and books give me joy and knowledge beyond what can be given elsewhere.

That’s all for now, folks. And if you want to, follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and other places. @throneroomdq on the metaverse, Twitter, and more, and soon you will hear the Throne Room talkspace on Saturdays, so join in.

Beth

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